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That’s okay though. I’m eager to soak up everything she wants to tell me. I’ll sit here for hours.
“Mommy said you live far away.”
“I do. I live in California.”
Her small eyebrows crinkle for a second, her lips pursing. She’s so cute when she’s thinking.
“Do you live by the ocean? I’ve never seen the ocean. Mommy has.” She bites her sandwich, her eyes wide as she waits for my answer.
I nod while chewing. “My backyard is the ocean. Right behind my house.”
The grilled cheese drops out of her hand onto her plate and her mouth hangs open. “Like that would be the ocean?” She points out the back door of the house, where Lilah has a small porch with a table and four chairs.
I chuckle. “Yeah.”
“Whoa. You swim with dolphins whenever you want?” She shakes her head as though it’s the best thing ever.
I laugh again. “Well, no. The dolphins don’t come that close to shore and technically…” I let my words trail off because she doesn’t need me to teach her about where dolphins migrate. “Maybe you can come see it some time?”
“Yah, yah. I wanna see it!” Her eyes bulge into two saucers.
My heart warms knowing that someday she'll get to see my house. If I have my way, it will become her second home.
Silence falls over the table for about thirty seconds. “Mommy said you’re in movies.”
“That’s right.” I’m cursing my fame because of how difficult it’ll make Monica’s life in the long run.
“How come I haven’t seen you in a movie then?” She eats a big bite of her lunch.
“Well, the movies I’m in aren’t for kids. They’re adult movies, so maybe when you get older, you’ll watch one.” I wink.
She smiles. She grips her plastic cup with both hands and brings it to her mouth to take a sip. She sets it down, almost tipping it over, and looks at me, the corners of her lips falling. “If you’re Mommy’s friend, how come she’s sad when she sees pictures of you?”
My chest squeezes. Never do I want to put Monica in a position to ask that question ever again. What Lilah did is unforgivable, but I have to find a way to forgive her. My daughter will not know the pain and anguish I felt growing up. She won’t have to worry about an abusive parent or why she’s so hungry all the time, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to put her in the middle of parental bullshit. The two of us need to get everything out into the open once and for all then leave the past behind for good.
“Have you ever asked her that?”
Monica shakes her head and her bottom lip pushes out. “No. I try to make her smile then.”
I take her hand in mine and squeeze. She doesn’t pull away, and it’s like a small victory.
“I can’t speak for your mom, but if I had to guess, I would say that it was probably because we hadn’t seen each other for so long. We used to be really good friends, then we had an argument and we didn’t talk for a long time. But just because you don’t talk to someone doesn’t mean you don’t miss them.”
Just because you hate them doesn’t mean you don’t love them. I keep that part to myself, thinking of the mix of emotions that suffocated me after Lilah left my life.
Her little forehead creases. “Why were you mad at each other?”
“Adult stuff. The point is that we’re not anymore.”
Not exactly the truth, on my end at least, but what else can I say? "I’m pissed off at your mom because you’re my little girl. She failed to tell me, so I have to pretend to be a friend."
“My teacher says cows have more than one stomach. Do you think so?”
I press my fist to my mouth, trying to contain my laughter. One thing I’ve learned about five-year-olds is they change topics faster than a politician changes their mind.
Chapter Fifty-eight
LILAH
