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“You’ll do just fine on your own,” Liz said with a nod. “Bram or no Bram, you’ll do just fine.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said with a small smile.
“Hell, Mike didn’t help with our boys until they were about ten, and we didn’t even deal with the baby stage. All our boys were older when they came to us,” Ellie grumbled, making us all laugh.
“Dan was pretty good,” Liz murmured, her lips tipping up.
“Shane didn’t help at all until Iris came along,” Katie scoffed. “I mean, I’m not sure how much he helped Rachel, but I don’t think it was much.”
Rachel was Shane’s first wife, and when she died in a car accident a couple years before, Kate had stepped in to help with the kiddos, and the rest was history. They were crazy about each other.
“I’m a little nervous about going to work,” I said, leaning back in my seat.
“I’ll keep him or her,” Liz said immediately. “I mean, if you want me to.”
“Really?”
“Of course! I’m not doing anything but crafting and going places with Ellie. I can take the baby with me.”
“God, what a relief. I wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do.”
“Well, you wouldn’t have had to worry about it for a while yet—you’ll be on maternity leave for at least six weeks.”
“What?” I asked, sitting straight back up.
“Mike and Dan decided already,” Ellie warned, turning to look at me over the seat. “You’ll get the six weeks—paid. If you want more than that, you’ll have to discuss it with them.”
“Just because you’re not carrying the baby doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the six weeks, Ani,” Katie said with a roll of her eyes. “Just wait. You’re going to be exhausted. You’ll be up all night and tired all day, and you’ll have this little person begging for attention all the time.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face. I couldn’t freaking wait.
* * *
The next two weeks went by in a blur.
Katie, Shane, Henry, and all the kids went back home to California.
The guys finished up the baby’s bedroom, and it looked incredible.
Alex went back to Missouri.
I worked like crazy to get ahead of the game before I took time off.
Life was going pretty well, and there seemed to be this thick layer of anticipation in the air, but when I’d crawl into bed at night, my entire body ached.
I missed Bram more than I’d ever thought possible.
We saw each other at work, of course, and at family dinners, but we barely spoke. Not even to argue. It was as if he’d completely forgotten I existed. I told myself that we were being adults about the whole thing. That this was how adults dealt with their breakups.
It sounded like bullshit every time I said it in my head.
I couldn’t understand what happened. No, that wasn’t true. I understood it. Bram didn’t want kids. He’d never wanted kids.
And now that I was about to have one, he no longer wanted me.
I was a mess of emotions every single minute of every day. I was angry, then sad, then determined, then sad again. I wondered if I was doing the right thing—if I should have told Bram about the baby before I’d announced it to everyone. If it would have even mattered when I told him.
I missed Bram so badly that it made me nauseous.
But I refused to cry about it. Instead, I stomped down the anger and hurt until it festered like a sickness in my stomach.
Having a family was my dream for as long as I could remember. It was something that would be distinctly mine. A family that I could mold and lead in the exact opposite way my mother had. When I’d agreed to the hysterectomy, that dream seemed dead but I hadn’t let myself mourn it. I’d pushed it deep down into the recesses of my mind and carried on. Just like I did with everything else that I’d lost. Just like I was doing with Bram.
Growing up in the system meant that I rarely had anything that belonged to me alone. Sure, I had a backpack full of stuff that I’d managed to take from home to home until I’d aged out, but the bedrooms I’d lived in were never decorated especially for me. I’d never had my own bike. My clothes had always been hand-me-downs, and my coats almost always came from the coat drives that a mattress store in Portland had every year.
When I grew up, I knew that I would never live like that again. That’s why I’d bought a house instead of renting one. Why I’d paid for my car in cash once I’d saved up enough money. Why I didn’t shop at thrift stores or vintage shops.
I shook my head as I climbed out of my Toyota, stretching my arms up high. I’d been working long hours to make sure everything was ready for the temp to come in, and I was tired as hell. I’d been talking to Bethy almost every day, and it seemed like she’d be having the baby soon, which meant that I slept so light waiting for a phone call that, when I woke up in the morning, I didn’t even feel rested.
