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John looked at the paper and took the pen from her, silently scribbling out his own additions to the list, before turning it back to her and sipping on his coffee.
She didn’t look up at him, but rather looked at his scrawled words and the sheer fact that he’d drawn a line right through her single ‘con’ that she had on the list, effectively crossing it out.
The paper blurred before her eyes in understanding.
His list that he added was almost as short as her own – and just as telling.
Pros:
Emily’s mine
Never alone
An incredible love
Married to my best friend
Cons:
She’ll get sick of me someday
A child that grows up messed up like me
That I hurt Emily’s gentle heart
Tearfully she looked up at him, feeling a small finger of hope touch her heart as she met his gentle eyes.
“It’s not that I don’t want to be married to you, Emily…” John whispered openly, his voice tender. “I’m scared that I’m going to let you down or that we’ll end up hurting our child someday. That’s why I was panicking, looking for a condom… not because I’d just gotten out of bed with you or that we were married.”
“It’s not the idea of being married… to me?” she whispered fearfully.
“Never…” he admitted. “I think you are incredible. I’m scared to be married, because I don’t want to let you down or disappoint you.”
“You’re not going to let me down, John, but if we do this,” she whispered, trying to talk her mind through this mess they seemed to be in the middle of, “… Then you are mine – and I would be yours. We would be a couple.”
“Wearea couple and I keep telling you that. I like the idea of you being mine,” John confessed. “I’ve felt like you were my girlfriend from the very moment that we agreed to go to dinner during the reception.”
“You don’t want children?”
“Maybe someday, but not right now,” he admitted, his voice painfully low. “My mom’s ex-husbands were cruel while they were married. I’ve been beat up, knocked around, locked out of the house, starved, and told I was worthless… and when it comes from multiple adults, you start to wonder about yourself.”
“But John,” she protested softly, with sudden understanding of what he was saying and had gone through, feeling so badly for the beautiful man before her that was always smiling. “If we chose later to have a baby someday… then it would be a symbol of our commitment to each other. Not every childhood is like that. What happens if…?””
“No, I know,” he replied, looking away from her. “I’m just not ready to be a dad, and I think that is what has me panicked most right now.”
She got to her feet and moved to hug him, feeling his arms slip around her as they stood there.
“No more drinks in Vegas,” she whispered openly – and heard his soft laugh as he kissed the top of her head.
“No kidding…” he chuckled openly. “I can’t believe I got a tattoo.”
“That must have hurt.”
“I have no clue if it did or not…”
“I wish we had pictures of us getting married… wait…” she whispered, looking up at him in alarm. “Where’s our phones?”
“I don’t know…”
