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“I was hiding it from you because I didn’t know how you would react. What was I supposed to do? You had literally been in prison the day you came to my apartment. Dropping the news of a baby on you seemed like the wrong thing to do, and quite honestly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted you in the baby’s life,” she confesses.
I cross my arms, trying not to grill her too much while also extracting the truth from her.
“Why didn’t you want me in my baby’s life? And how can you be positive that it’s mine?”
She seems insulted at my second question, which is reasonable. “Because you’re in the fucking mafia, Matteo. That’s no life for a kid to be exposed to, you said it yourself. Your own father raised you like this and you said it was terrifying growing up. How was I supposed to be enthusiastic about bringing a child into this?”
I wait for the second question to be answered before responding.
“... and I know the baby is yours because I haven’t been with anyone else since you. I haven’t wanted to. I missed you too much, and moving on felt painful. I wasn’t ready, and it was even harder seeing you in the news all the fucking time.”
There it is.
It takes me a minute to gather my thoughts. This all came on so rapidly, and I don’t want to fuck myself by saying the wrong thing.
If she really hasn’t fucked other men and the baby is truly mine, then I have no reason to be upset with her other than for lying. And to be honest, I can see her point of view with concealing the baby from me. The day a man gets out of prison isn’t a great time to learn that he’s got an unplanned child on the way.
“Listen, the only reason I was such a dick when I left your place was because I thought you had been with someone else, and I felt betrayed. I didn’t know how to bring it up and I wasn’t ready to forgive you if it was true,” I confess. “I was scared that I had already lost you so easily, like you were never mine to begin with.”
Now the anger has dissolved from her face, and all I see is the deep empathy that I’ve always known she has in her.
“I really wish you would have just said something to me. I wasn’t ready for the conversation either, which is why I didn’t tell you. But I would rather have had an awkward talk than have it come to this,” she replies, stepping away from her car and coming closer to me.
“I mean, it didn’t have to come to this,” I interject.
“If I hadn’t come here to have this conversation with you, we wouldn’t be making up like this. You were going to go on with your life believing that I was pregnant with someone else’s kid, and I was going to live life as a single mom,” she replies.
I think to myself for a moment, trying my best to tread carefully along this topic without hurting her further or saying the wrong thing. I want this to work out. My life has been so empty without Iris. I didn’t realize that there was such a huge void in my life until she filled it, then left it again.
“Iris, listen to me. You’re right, the way I was raised was awful, but it’s because my father was a bad person. He was willing to fuck over anyone who he could make a quick buck off of, and his lack of empathy bled into his parenting a lot. He wasn’t present in my life unless he was mocking me or beating me,” I reply, feeling knots forming in my stomach as I start to become vulnerable.
She’s changed from enraged to irritated to nurturing now. She wants to take care of me, to help heal the wounds of my past. I’m not sure if she can, but she seems like she might be up for the task.
“Matteo... I had no idea it was like that. I knew it was hard, but I didn’t know that he was that abusive. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I take a deep breath, knowing that she’ll start to blame herself if I don’t explain. “Because I don’t open up about anything to anyone, especially not women. I’ve only ever had my secrets used against me when I chose to be vulnerable. Why would I change that about myself?”
“I mean, I thought you could trust me,” she replies, slightly wounded.
Damn it.
“Iris, this has nothing to do with whether or not I trust you. It’s a mechanism I’ve developed to protect myself from pain throughout my life. Talking about my feelings and experiences isn’t something I’m very practiced at,” I reply, wondering if I should try to embrace her to comfort her.
She breathes in deep, shuddering a bit as she holds back tears. “I just wanted to feel close to you.”
I decide to lean in and hold her close. “I know you did. It’s just something that will take time. I need you to be patient with me if this is something you want to work through.”
She looks up from my chest, eyes and cheeks red from crying. “I want to work this out with you. You’re the father of my child. If you’ll fight for me, I’ll fight for you.”
I hold her close to me again, feeling my heart beating against her ear as she rests her head on my chest. I don’t think she and I have ever been this intimate without sex involved, and it feels foreign to me. However, I’m going to hold onto it as long as I can.
But I have work to do.
“Iris, I know this is really bad timing, but I have to go now,” I say, hoping she won’t ask why and knowing that she will.
She pulls herself away from me again, feeling insecure suddenly. “Why? Where are you going?”
This is going to be an issue.
