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Chapter Twenty-Six
Andy
I walkfrom the team psychologist's office, not feeling any lighter than I did when I went in there. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world around with me. Yesterday, we won our semi-final, so we progress to the final. But for once in my life, I don't even care. I don't even know how Luna and I showed up at the game yesterday, let alone played, but we did.
After the game, Luna and Jasmine went to the hospital to check up on Darcy during visiting hours. I wanted to go as well, but she doesn't want me there. She hates me—well, at least that's what it feels like to me. Jasmine says it's normal for her to need someone to blame. I don't know what's normal in this situation, but I tell you what, it's not very fair that her blame falls on me.
I keep trying to think back over the last six months to work out if I led her to believe that there was something more between us. But other than that night we shared, I can't think of a thing other than normal friendship. That night we shared wasn't even either of our ideas, it sort of happened because the guy Darcy had brought home that night said he didn't think we were the type. I think he was egging us on so he could watch or something, but he had way too much to drink and passed out, so we proved him wrong. Nothing like setting me a challenge. I wouldn't have done it if I had known things would turn out like this.
I wish we could all just go back to the way things were. But that's never going to happen now.
I jump in Brad's car, and he smiles over at me. "How did it go?"
I shrug, not sure what I'm supposed to say. "I told her what happened. We have another session booked for Tuesday."
He takes my hand, kissing the back of it. He has been acting so strange with me since it all happened. I think he doesn't know what to do. "Okay, it'll help, I'm sure. Beth is very good at what she does." He offers me a reassuring smile.
I stare out the window as he starts the car. I know Brad is just trying to help in the best way he can, but right now, nothing is going to help. I feel sick to my stomach with guilt. I just want to see Darcy, talk to her, then maybe we could work this all out. It's not fair that she is blocking me out. I still keep seeing her standing there, face pale, blood dripping from her wrists. I don't even want to close my eyes, because every time I do, that's what I see. I think if I could talk to her now, see that she is still actually alive, that vision might go away.
Beth said the same thing as Jasmine. With time, it will fade. I don't believe either of them. It feels permanently etched into my eyes.
Brad's dashboard lights up with an incoming call and he presses the button to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's Jasmine. Is Andy with you?"
"You're on speaker."
"Oh great, thanks. Andy, Darcy wants to see you." Jasmine sounds a little more upbeat than she has been. Maybe they had a good chat with her today and she's looking a lot better. I can only hope.
"Really? Okay, when can we go?"
"It's visiting hours now if you can come straight away. Otherwise, not until tomorrow at ten."
I look at Brad. "We're on our way there now, Jasmine," he says for me.
"Thanks, Jas."
"Good luck. Remember to be gentle with her. She's not well."
What the fuck does she think I'm going to do? I know that. "Okay. Bye."
Twenty minutes later we pull up at the hospital. Brad's hand strokes my thigh, and I realize I must have been staring out the front of the car again. I'm trying to work out what on earth to say to her.
"Do you want me to come in with you?"
I glance up at him. He's trying so hard to be supportive. "Thank you. Probably not the best idea, though."
"Yeah, you're right. I'll wait just outside for you."
We walk in quietly, and just as I get to the doors, he kisses my cheek. "I'll see you soon." He looks nervous about letting me go in by myself, and I guess I can't say I blame him after everything that has happened. He knows how she feels about me and what we did together. He doesn't want to leave me alone with her.
I offer him a small smile, take a deep breath, and slip inside her room. She's in bed facing the other wall, and for a moment I think she might be asleep, but then she rolls over to face me and I stay stuck in the doorway, frozen.
She looks terrible. Not as bad as when I left her here, but her skin is pale, and she looks like she hasn't slept in days, with black circles framing her eyes.
"Andy, you came." She sits herself up in bed.
