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Her hands came to rest over his, her eyes shimmering with tears. ‘It’s silly to feel so much about a stupid bed. But to this day I don’t know why she changed her mind about the adoption. Whether it was something I did or said... All I remember is that I didn’t get the bed.’
It wasn’t only about the bed, he could see that. Solace had been promised a mother, being part of a family, and then this Katherine had changed her mind. There must have been some reason for it, and hopefully a good reason, but right now Galen didn’t care what that reason was. Whatever it had been, it had hurt her.
‘It would not have been something you did.’ He let the conviction ring in his voice the way it had rung in hers a week ago. ‘I can guarantee you that right now. Because who wouldn’t want you, silver girl?’
A tremulous smile turned her mouth. ‘Some people might not.’
‘Those people are fools. Also, you don’t need Katherine. I’ll get you a princess bed. I’ll get you as many princess beds as you desire.’
The pain in her eyes faded, to be replaced by something else, something much warmer, the smile losing its tremulousness and deepening. ‘I don’t need a princess bed, Galen. I don’t even need a crown. You make me feel like a queen already.’
His breath caught at that smile, at the look in her eyes, making him feel as if someone had punched him in the stomach.
She feels something for you.
The thought crossed his mind like a comet, trailing flames and sparks, and it shocked him. Because somehow it had never occurred to him that emotions might factor into any of this. His own, certainly not. But hers? He’d had no idea.
It changed things. It changed things completely.
This marriage wasn’t based on emotion, but necessity. He hadn’t thought about feelings.
Except you feel something for her too, you can’t deny it.
Galen let her go and turned away abruptly, unable to bear her gaze. He took a couple of steps towards the door, then stopped. His heart was beating faster than it should and he had the strangest urge to stride back to her, pull her into his arms and keep her there, never let her go.
No, he didn’t feel anything for her. Or at least nothing beyond friendship, but her... She felt something for him, and what it was, he wasn’t sure, but one thing he did know: he didn’t want her to feel it. Because while he could give her a crown and a home, create a safe and stable space for her and their son, if it was love she wanted, he couldn’t give her that.
How could he? When he didn’t even know what love was? His mother had died having him and his father had hated him from birth. No one had ever shown him, no one had ever taught him.
Perhaps there’s a reason for that. And it’s not because you were potentially another man’s child, but because you’re someone no one can love.
Cold seeped through him. All his life, his father’s hatred had never wavered and maybe the reason was him. A wrongness in himself, that he’d been born with, that made him impossible to care for.
He’d tried over the years to compensate for it, to learn how to be a decent king, He’d made mistakes—he was even continuing to make them—and perhaps he could even learn to be a decent husband and father. But he had to face the fact that he’d never be able to compensate for that wrongness, that lack of whatever it was that would have made his father love him.
He had no examples to follow, no rules or guidelines to keep him on the right track. And he couldn’t afford mistakes, not with Solace and not with his son. He had to be perfect for both of them, because they both deserved perfection.
Except he wasn’t perfect. And he’d fail, the way he’d failed with Alexandros. He’d make mistakes and he’d hurt them.
Then she’d finally see that wrongness in you, and then she’ll end up hating you too.
The cold turned to ice. He couldn’t allow that. He couldn’t allow their marriage to turn toxic because of him. It was better she felt nothing for him, because it would turn to hate in the end, and that would hurt not only Solace, but Leo too.
‘Galen?’ Her voice came from behind him, soft and puzzled-sounding. ‘Is there something wrong?’
Unfair of you to bring her into this mess you created and give her such a heavy burden of responsibility to carry. Especially considering you cannot give her what she so desperately needs.
The ice spread through him, freezing him solid. Because regardless of how she felt about him, Solace herself needed to be loved. No one in her life ever had, and the closest she’d got to having it had been Katherine, who’d changed her mind.
Another impossible situation.
And yes, it was impossible. He’d never been loved himself, he had no idea what it felt like, so how could he give it to her? He ‘d be condemning her to a loveless marriage, because how could he change his mind and not marry her? Do to her what Katherine had done to her?
He took a breath but it felt as if he couldn’t get enough air. It made his chest hurt, as if someone had wrapped barbed wire around it. He didn’t want to turn around and meet those sharp grey eyes of hers, the ones that looked deep into his soul. She’d be able to see what was there, or rather the lack of what was there. She’d know. He could pretend with everyone else, but he couldn’t pretend with her. That would be one lie too many.
He’d promised he’d marry her, and he couldn’t break that promise, not when he’d given his word. He couldn’t break that trust. But she had to know that was all she’d ever have from him. Their marriage would be based on mutual respect and the bond they shared as parents, but that bond didn’t include love. Maybe it never would.
Galen turned.
