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But Galen wouldn’t have had those moments, not in the insular world of the palace, with a father who’d never seen him as a son and never treated him like one.
‘It’s not duty,’ she said. ‘I’m his mother and I can tell you I don’t feel it’s duty.’
‘Be that as it may, the bond between a child and parent is different.’ He seemed to be retreating from her, withdrawing into a distant kind of formality. ‘I’m not trying to be cruel, Solace, I hope you know that. I just... I’ve made so many mistakes with you.’ His eyes had darkened into the same midnight as his shirt. ‘I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have already.’
‘You think I’m not hurt now?’ Even two weeks ago, she’d never have admitted that. But things were different now and she wanted him to know that this mattered to her.
‘I’m sorry.’ There was a fine edge of pain in his voice. ‘But that’s why I had to tell you. Better you know going in exactly what you can expect from me.’
‘Which is nothing.’ It hurt. It hurt more than she thought possible. Because she hadn’t known what she’d wanted until now, not truly. Hadn’t known what she craved with every part of her, which was him.
Anguish glittered in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘I’m trying to do the right thing for you.’
‘What if the right thing for me is you loving me?’ She couldn’t help herself, the words came right out. ‘What if the right thing for me is us loving each other?’
‘Solace—’
‘Don’t we deserve that, Galen? We had no one growing up, no one who cared, but now we have each other. We want the same things so why can’t we have them? And why can’t we give them to our son?’
His eyes were almost black now, as if the shadows were consuming him whole. ‘You deserve it, silver girl. And so does Leo, that goes without question. But...it took me years to learn how to be a decent king and I’ve made so many mistakes. I’m still making them. And it will take me years to learn how to be a decent husband too, if that’s even possible. I’ll fail you, Solace. At some point I will, and I’ll fail Leo too, and I cannot... I just cannot bear that.’ He was holding himself so rigidly he looked as if he might shatter at the slightest touch.
She had been angry with him just before, but it had all gone now, leaving behind it an aching sorrow. All those years he’d spent trying to please the one man who should have loved him, who should have encouraged him to be the passionate, caring, protective man that he was. And who instead had hated him, setting him up for failure time and time again. Making him doubt himself and his kingship. Turning his caring nature against him so that he had to lie, so that he had to be someone he was never meant to be.
‘You haven’t failed, Galen,’ she said thickly, emotion clogging her throat. ‘I don’t know what it will take for you to believe that, but you haven’t. And you won’t. It was you who were failed. Your father—’
‘My father thought I wasn’t his son, Solace.’ His voice was bleak as midwinter. ‘He saw nothing in me to make him change his mind, nothing that made him want to at least try to be a decent father.’
‘That wasn’t your fault. That was all him.’
‘And what if it turns out that I am his son after all?’ His voice had become rougher. ‘What if my own father just hated me? Because there’s something...wrong in me.’
Pain welled up inside her. ‘No. There is nothing—nothing—wrong with you.’
‘How can you know that? There has to be a reason.’
She was aching to cross the distance between them, to put her hands on his broad chest and lean against him, soothe him, warm him, reassure him, but she didn’t know if he would welcome it, so she stood where she was. ‘I was never given a reason for Katherine to change her mind. And you told me she was wrong. You said, “Who wouldn’t want you?”’ She swallowed. ‘So, I’m telling you now, I don’t know why your father treated you the way he did, but he was wrong, Galen. He wassowrong. Because there’s nothing wrong with you. You are the most special man I know. You’re a wonderful father and an amazing king who feels so deeply about his country.’ Something slipped down her cheek, a tear she hadn’t quite managed to blink away. ‘Those aren’t failures. Those aren’t mistakes. They’re triumphs. And that’s who you are. You’re a triumph and you don’t have to be anyone else.’
He looked at her for one long, aching minute.
Then without a word he turned and walked out.
CHAPTER TEN
GALENWAITEDINthe small antechamber to the palace ballroom, listening to the music and buzz of conversations from the guests in the ballroom itself.
It was Solace’s presentation ball and he’d kept the guest list to a minimum—a mere five hundred people. But he’d put all his effort into making sure this ball was the most magnificent the palace had ever put on, filling the room full of flowers and delicate lights and music. There was a fountain in the middle and serving staff circulating with the best champagne and the finest food. The atmosphere was one of joy and happiness and excitement, and, since he’d been practising his smile for the past week, he was sure no one would know how hollow he felt inside.
He hadn’t seen Solace since that day at the house by the sea, where he’d confessed so many things he wished he hadn’t, all those terrible doubts spilling out of him. He’d said too much. And she’d only looked at him with that intense silver gaze and told him there was nothing wrong with him, told him everything he was... A triumph, she’d said.
But he didn’t recognise that man. It wasn’t him.
He’d had to leave in the end. He’d had to turn around and walk out of the door, because he couldn’t bear it. He wanted so badly to be all the things she’d told him he was, but he never would and one day she’d see it too.
All week he’d been waiting for word that she’d changed her mind and left Kalithera, and half of him had debated cancelling the ball in preparation. But he hadn’t heard a thing since he’d walked out on her, and so he had to assume that she still wanted the marriage to go ahead.
He couldn’t imagine why, not after what he’d told her.
He looked down at his watch. She was a little late. What if today was the day she changed her mind? What if she left him standing here? He hadn’t given her any reason to stay, and if she decided to take Leo and go back to London, well... He’d decided he wouldn’t stop her. It would be no less than he deserved.
