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“I can’t even imagine.” She puts her head on my shoulder. “I’m still stuck on a mother leaving a two-year-old child.”
The chuckle I let escape is harsh. “I used to hate Maggie so much, especially on nights like this when Caleb was sick and I had to leave work, or had to find someone to help me take care of him. Or those school events where the ‘Room Mom’ is supposed to make sure there’s cupcakes for all the kids. So many times I was embarrassed, not only because I sucked at that shit, but I was so young. I felt like I embarrassed him too, ya know? I wasn’t perfect, and my cupcakes looked awful.” I laugh again. “But the one thing I fuckin’ hated her for more than anything, were the two years of deployments I had. One when he was five, and another when he was seven. He didn’t know me when I came home. Back then there really wasn’t internet, or things like that. I mean there were, but it’s not the type of infrastructure there is today. He didn’t even really know what I looked like. I remember breaking off from my line of guys and running up to him. I was so excited to see him. He’d just turned six, and he didn’t even recognize me. Cried when I picked him up, because I’d had to grow a full beard over there. They put me in with the locals. Hardest damn time of my life.” I clear my throat. “There are a lot of things I’ve forgiven that bitch for, but that? That’s never gonna be one of them.”
She’s quiet as I stroke the back of her neck, the motion calming me as I think back to those hard first years of Caleb’s life. We survived, because we had no other choice, but it wasn’t thanks to anybody other than ourselves, a few friends, and a handful of family members.
“Is that why you left the Army?” she asks softly.
“The second deployment literally made me sick to my stomach. He started acting out, my mom couldn’t handle him, he was in trouble at school, and no one knew what to do with him. By some miracle I was sent home a few weeks early and no one knew it. I watched him for two days, just sat back and watched, before I even told him I was home. He was a kid who was hurting, and I couldn’t hurt him anymore. It would have been real easy for me to be career military, probably would have benefited us in ways I don’t even know now, but it wasn’t what was best for him. And since she didn’t care, I had to.” My mouth twists at the distaste of what I just said. “No, that’s the wrong phrase. I didn’t do it because I had to; I did it because I wanted to. But she also left me no option, ya know?”
“Do you know what ever happened to her?”
“Huh.” I run my hand through my hair. “I’ve seen her twice since she left us. Both times she’s wanted to come back, to see Caleb, just to make sure he’s okay. I’ve never let her do it, and she never pushed me on it when he was a kid. Always figured if it meant that much to her, she’d take me to court, assert her rights, and if she was serious about it, that’s what she would have done. But she never did. I get the feeling every time she showed up, it was because she had nowhere else to go and she thought I was hard up for her.”
She turns in my arms, circling her arms around my neck. “Were you? Hard up for her? I mean-,” she shrugs, “-the two of you had a child together, there must be some feelings there.”
“There were, like eighteen years ago.” I chuckle. “There’s way too much water under that bridge. No lying to you though, the first time she showed back up, we fucked. But it felt awful. I told myself I’d never do it again, and I haven’t. At this point it’s been about seven years since I’ve seen her.”
“One day she’ll wake up and regret everything she’s done, all the time she’s lost and the relationship she doesn’t have.” Rina leans in, giving me a soft kiss on the lips.
Putting my arms around her waist, I pull her closer. “When she does, we aren’t going to be here and there will be zero place for her in our lives.”
“I shouldn’t be happy about that.” She gives me a smile. “But I am. I’m coming to think of the two of you as mine.”
Those words echo my sentiment toward how I think of us too. She’s got Caleb and me hook, line, and sinker.
“We’re completely and totally yours, babe.”
“Good, I don’t want it to be any other way. How about we go check on Caleb and I can make you some dinner. I think I blew Caleb’s mind with the mother of all grilled cheeses.” She winks.
“You made him a grilled cheese?” God I love grilled cheese, but I always burn them. They’re basically the bane of my existence.
“Sure did. You want one?”
“Two.” I lean down, kissing her. “Definitely two. Be right back.”
Making my way down the hallway to Caleb’s room, I let myself believe this could be my future. This could be our future, if we just open ourselves up to it. There’s been a lot of loneliness in our lives, with just the two of us, but if there’s anyone we can welcome into our family, it’s definitely Rina. Opening Caleb’s door, I tiptoe in, and have a seat on the bed.
In sleep, he still reminds me of a little kid, only with some scruff on his face. When his features are relaxed, he’s so innocent looking I almost forget about some of the shit he’s done. Reaching over, I grab the thermometer, and then slightly shake him awake.
“Caleb, it’s time to check that temp.”
“Dad?” His eyes are glassy, and I have a feeling the temp is still gonna be there. He’s shivering and burrowing deeper into his covers.
“Yeah, it’s me. Just got home from work.”
“Is Kari still here?”
“Kari?” My eyebrows pull together in confusion.
“Yeah, Ms. Holland said I had to figure out something to call her besides Ms. Holland when we aren’t at school, and Rina’s already taken.” He gives me a pointed stare. “So I came up with Kari.” He shrugs.
“Yeah.” I shake my head, amazed he can even be thinking of this when he’s so sick. “She’s here. If I have anything to say about it, she’ll stay tonight.”
He closes his mouth around the tip of the thermometer I hold out while we wait for it to register. When it does, I whistle. Still almost a hundred and two.
“She was a lifesaver today, Dad. I don’t know if she told you everything she did, but if it wasn’t for her, I don’t know what would have happened. She just took it upon herself to do the shit she thought was right.”
“That’s kinda her.”
