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But I cared about those kids that spent most of their lives cowering in their beds.
Yeah, I cared alotfor them.
The string that bonded us together, from my siblings’ hearts to mine, was so forceful that it kept me bound to this house.
It kept me trapped.
“See, now, Marie?” Dad nodded in approval. “The young fella’s grand.”
“He’s not fine, Teddy,” Mam said in a pleading tone. “One look at his eyes, and you can tell that he’s not even here with us right now!”
“He’s sitting here, isn’t he?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“Can I go now?” I asked, glancing between the two of them.
“I don’t want you to go out,” Mam said, worrying her lip. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“For fuck’s sake, Marie,” Dad snapped. “He’s going out to celebrate his eighteenth. Don’t be such a pain in the hole.”
“But I just don’t think—"
“Then stop thinking,” Dad snapped. “It doesn’t suit ya.”
“Wait!” Mam called out when I stood and moved for the door. “There’s something else we wanted to tell you.”
Stiffening, I kept my back to them and waited to hear what I knew in my heart was about to come out of her mouth.
There was always a reason for my father being on the wagon and it usually resulted in the‘we have something to tell you’speech.
I closed my eyes and waited for my world to shatter around me.
“We’re going to have another baby,” Mam told me.
And there it was. The last ounce of hope left in my heart being snuffed out.
“Congratulations,” I reeled out numbly, as I moved for the door, knowing that even though I was getting out tonight, this baby only tightened the chains around my ankles.
I was completely fucking unravelling and I couldn’t stop it from happening.
Ithadhappened.
I had finally hit my limit.
I hadnothingleft in the tank.
Nothing left to give these people.
I was done.
Gone.
Dead inside.
BIRTHDAY BREAKDOWNS
DECEMBER 23RD 2004
