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Hoping my thoughts could fuel my anger and my anger could help me flip the switch andnotcare anymore.
Because caring was killing me, and I honestly didn’t think I could hold on much longer.
“What do you want from me, Mam?” I heard myself ask, tone hoarse, heart cut to shreds.
Her blue eyes widened. “Wh-what do you mean?”
“I mean what do you want?” I snapped, running a hand through my hair. “You call me out of bed to fight him off you? I did. To barricade the door? I’ve done that, too. What do you want from me now, Mam? What do you want me to do?”
“He’s gone this time,” she whispered. “He won’t be back. I p-promise.”
“You don’t believe that any more than I do,” I replied, too weary to fight with her. It had taken everything in me to go toe-to-toe with her asshole husband earlier. I had nothing left in the tank, not even my hatred to chug on. “He’ll be back, and he’ll be worse the next time.”
“Joey…”
“He’s going tokillyou, Mam,” I choked out. “Don’t you get that? Can’t you hear me? You’re going to die in this house. If you don’t get away from him, you’re going to die here. I can feel it in my bones…“ my voice cracked, and I choked back a sob, unwilling to shed tears. “Don’t you love yourself? Don’t you love me?”
“Of course I do,” she sobbed softly, reaching across the table to place her small hand on my torn knuckles. “I love my children so much.”
‘I love my children’, not ‘I love you, Joey’.
Typical.
She might think that she loved all of her children, but she certainly didn’t, or couldn’t, love me.
Darren was her firstborn and favorite, Ollie was her sweet and affectionate baby, Tadhg was her mischievous rogue, and Shannon was her only daughter.
That left me.
The spare.
Blinking back the wet in my eyes, I glared at her small hand as she attempted to comfort me with minimal contact. "Why?"
"Why what?"
Why don’t you love me?
Inclining my head, I nodded towards the wedding band on the fourth finger on her left hand, and asked instead, "Why do you keep wearing that thing?"
Jerking her hand back, Mam cradled it to her chest and whispered, "Because that's what I'm supposed to do."
Temper rising, I glowered back at her. “And he’s supposed tonotkick the living shit out you, or did ye not have that particular promise in your wedding vows?”
“Don’t, Joey.”
“Don’t what?” I sneered. “Tell you the truth?”
“I’m too tired to fight with you.”
“And I’m too tired to clean up any more of your messes,” I hissed. “You keep us here in this fucking house of pain. It’s your choice, and you choosehimevery single time. Darren was right to get the fuck out of this place.”
Flinching as if I had struck her, Mam slowly rose from the table, looking like she was seconds away from collapsing.
Against my will, I felt myself rise, feet moving straight for her. “Here,” I said, gently reaching around her back. “I’ll help you upstairs…”
“Don’t!” Jerking away from my touch like it had burned her, she dragged in several shaky breaths. “Please d-don’t.”
Bewildered, I stood there with my palms up, unsure of what the fuck I had done to cause this kind of a reaction from my own mother.
