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“Mam,” I placated in as gentle tone as I could muster. “It’s me. Joey. I’m not going to hurt you. You know this.”
“I know exactly who you are,” she whispered, trembling.
“What does that mean?” I ran a hand through my hair, feeling my whole body vibrate with a fucked-up mixture of desperation and resentment. “Look,” I said, trying to soothe her. “I know I’m not as diplomatic as Darren was, okay. I know he was the one you could talk to about shit like that, and I’m sorry for throwing him leaving in your face, but I’m—”
“Don’t,” she choked out, tears falling freely down her cheeks. “Don’t talk about Darren. You arenothinglike Darren!”
“Because I’m stillhere?” I hissed, feeling my resentment overtake my despair. “Newsflash, your precious fucking Darren is gone. The saint himself walked away. He left us. But I’m still here, Mam. I’m right fuckinghere.”
“I know you’re here,” she cried. “Shouting and ordering and laying down the law just like—” Clamping her mouth shut, she shook her head. “Never mind.”
“Just like what?” I pressed in confusion, watching as she slowly walked towards the kitchen door. “I’m just like what, Mam?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Tell me what you meant. I’m just like what, Mam?” Shaking from head to toe, I strangled out, “Him? Is that what you were going to say? I remind you of him?”
Please say no.
Please say no.
Please say no.
“Yes,” she confirmed with a pained expression on her face. “You remind me of your father.” Shuddering, she clenched her eyes shut as a tear fell from her cheek. “I know it’s not your fault, I know, okay, but you just remind me so much of him. More and more each day.”
“In what way?” I choked out, chest heaving. “In looks? Because if it’s in looks then that’s not my fault. I can’t help who I look like, but I am nothing like that man in any other way.”
“You are,” she said before leaving the room. “In every way.”
And with those words, my mother cut me deeper and more viciously than my father ever had.
Ever could.
And it was right there in that moment, that I knew deep in my bones, was the beginning of the end for me.
The switch I had been so desperate not to flip these past few years had finally tripped.
And I felt nothing.
With a trembling hand, I reached into the pocket of my sweats, and retrieved my phone.
Dialing the familiar number, the one I’d been trying to avoid, I pressed the call button and held the phone to my ear.
He answered on the third ring. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite little kid.”
“I’m not a kid,” I bit out, chest heaving. “I need something.”
Shane chuckled down the line. “I thought you were on the straight and narrow these days, kid. Isn’t that what you told me after the last time?”
Clenching my eyes shut, I ran a hand through my hand and exhaled. “Yeah, well, there’s been a change of plans.”
“Meet me at the green over at Casement Avenue in half an hour.”
I sagged in relief. “I’ll be there.”
“And kid?” he added in a warning tone. “No more freebies.”
NOW YOU KNOW WHY
