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From me.
CHRISTMAS MORNING
DECEMBER 25TH 2004
AOIFE
It was Christmas morning.
It was also Joey’s eighteenth birthday.
But instead of celebrating either, I found myself welded to his chest, holding onto his body with all of my strength, because I had a horrible feeling that once he left my bed, he wouldn’t come back.
The physical abuse Joey had been subjected to, the emotional neglect, psychological scarring, and sheer pressure he endured from a lifetime of holding the fort and raising children that didn’t belong to him, had finally broken something pivotal inside of his mind.
He’d given up on himself, I could see it in his eyes last night. The same look was there when he woke up this morning, and it scared me to death.
He was sick, he was so damn unwell, and I was out of my depth trying to help him out of something I didn’t understand.
I wanted to rescue him, to shield him from the horrors he had been born into. I wanted to be his armor when he couldn’t fight back.
I wanted to wade into battle for him, protect his beautiful soul.
But I'd been so determined to save him that I hadn’t noticed I’d lost myself in the process.
Our love was toxic.
“This is toxic,” Joey strangled out, voicing my thoughts aloud, as he held me in his arms, squeezing my body just as tightly as I was squeezing his. “I’mtoxicfor you.”
“I don’t care,” I cried, delirious from a horrible concoction of love and heartache. “I still want you.”
“That’s the point,” he croaked out, voice cracking, as he gently dissembled our joined bodies and climbed out of my bed. “I’m fuckingtoxicto you.”
“What are you doing?” I asked shakily, watching as he quickly reached for his disheveled clothes that were thrown in a pile, along with mine, on my bedroom floor. “Joey? What are you doing?”
“Please don’t make it any harder. We both know that I need to go.” Blowing out a shaky breath, he refused to look at me while he dressed, his movements clumsy because of the severe tremor running through his body. “This needs to end and you need to let me do this for you, okay?”
“What? No!” Panic seared me. “No, this doesn’t have to end. I don’t believe that and neither do you!”
“Molloy.” Hollow green eyes, paired with circles so dark they could’ve been mistaken for bruises, locked on mine. Hell, knowing my boyfriend like I did, those probablywerebruises under his eyes. “Ihaveto leave,” he choked out. “All of the pain? All of the dumb, fucked-up shit I’ve put you through—"His voice cracked, and I watched as he dragged in a pained breath, clearly suffering as much in the moment as I was. “I should have ended this a long time ago.”
“No!” Springing off the mattress, I quickly closed the space between us, needing him to stay right here with me. “Don’t.” Wrapping my arms around him, I buried my face in his neck, holding onto his body for all I was worth. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m fine. We’re fine! Don’t talk like that. God!”
Instantaneously, Joey's arms came around my body, making me feel so fucking safe it hurt.
It didn’t make sense how he could do that to me; make me feel like nothing could hurt me when I was in his arms, when the truth was very different.
Silence settled between us then, with so many unspoken words dancing on the tips of our tongues, while we just held each other.
I could feel it all in this moment, every hurt word that had been echoed throughout the course of our fucked-up relationship. Every kiss, every touch, every fight, every scream, every midnight flash of madness that had led us to this moment in time.
"Listen, I want you to know something,” he said quietly, clenching my hip with his hand. “I want you to know that you’ve been the best part of my dayeveryday since I was twelve years old."
“Don’t Joe.” Voice breaking, my heart hammered violently, as tears spilled down my cheeks. “I don’t want to hear this.”
Not when I knew where it would lead.
"It’s true." Tipping my chin up with his free hand, he forced me to look at him. "My life has been a shitstorm from day dot, Molloy, and the whole goddamn town knows it. I've never had calm. But you?” His tear-filled eyes implored me tohearhim. “You were like an island. Somewhere for me to go and escape. Somewhere safe. Someone to anchor me, if that even makes sense. And I took advantage of that when I had no right to. I was selfish when I dragged you into my world. Now, I need to put you first.”
