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“Come on, Joe,” Ollie groaned. “Make a wish and blow out the cangles. I want some cake.”
Tadhg sighed. “It’s candles, not cangles.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Jesus, don’t start this shit already.” Leaning in, I quickly blew out the candles before looking to my sister and saying, “You didn’t have to do this for me.”
“I would do so much more if I could,” she replied, leaning in for a half-hug, while she batted several small hands away from the cake. “I love you, Joe.”
“O-ee,” Seany crooned, clutching my leg. “O-ee.”
“We all do,” Tadhg begrudgingly agreed. “Love you, that is.”
“Uh-huh,” Ollie added. “So much.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a pained breath and took stock of the small humans circling me. “Right back at ye.”
I was officially eighteen years old.
I could walk right out the front door, and nobody could stop me.
I could leave.
I could befree.
But the four small faces staring expectantly up at me were so defenseless, so utterly dependent on my ability to provide for and protect them, that I knew in my heart that I would never leave this house until I could take them with me.
Whether it was love or duty that kept me shackled here, the lines were too blurred to differentiate, but one thing I was sure of was that I would never become to them what Darren had become to me.
I would never abandon them.
If I could do nothing else, then I would spare themthatpain.
THE AFTERMATH
DECEMBER 27TH 2004
AOIFE
The radio was blastingin the kitchen downstairs, tormenting me with the sound of Mary Black’sOnly a Woman’s Heartas her voicedrifted up the staircase.
Her melancholy lyrics wrapped around my already breaking heart.
Numb, I curled up on my bed in the smallest ball I could, with my knees pressed to my chest, and fought to calm the hysteria drowning me.
Pain encompassed every inch of my body, both internally and externally.
I felt like I was hemorrhaging tears.
They wouldn’t stop falling.
How I managed to survive Christmas dinner with my family without falling apart at the table, I would never know.
I could only assume that it had a lot to do with the shock and adrenalin that had been thrashing through my veins, but that had long since deserted me.
