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I knew my parents were worried about me. Aside from leaving the house to fulfil my shift at work this morning, I had spent the past forty-eight hours holed up in my room, which was a huge red flag. Considering the previous night was the biggest night out of the year – and Inevermissed a St. Stephen’s night out on the tiles.
Hell, even Kev had come knocking on my bedroom door, but I couldn’t talk to him about it.
If I talked about it, if I verbalized it out loud, then it would be real.
And I was desperately clinging to the hope that I would somehow wake up from my nightmare and have everything go back to the way it was before.
My breath was coming in short, achy gasps that clawed at my throat in protest because my heart didn’t want me to breathe.
My heart wanted me to slip into the deepest sleep of my life and wake up when it was over.
The thought only made me cry harder.
Because itwasover.
It was over and I wasn’t ready for it to be.
I wasn’t ready for him to leave me.
But he had.
All of my calls had gone unanswered, while my texts went unsent because I couldn’t stop my hands from trembling long enough to type out a message.
Breaking up with me had been a knife to the back and ignoring me was just another cruel twist of the blade.
I had spent the bones of four years in a relationship with Paul, and never once in that entire space of time, had he provoked such conflicted turmoil inside of my heart like Joey had.
Like he continued to do.
I didn’t want to think of what Joey was doing now that we were over. I hoped he was as miserable as I was, but I wasn’t going to hold my breath.
He had been quick enough to run out and shit on our relationship, so what was to say he wouldn’t drown this version of his sorrows inside another girl.
Bullshit,a voice in my head hissed,that’s your hurt talking, and you know it.
Yeah, I knew that.
I also knew that he loved me.
It wasn’t a matter of there being someone else in this instance.
The only person getting in between us wasJoey.
Depression had its claws latched deep inside of me.
My throat felt like sawdust, and my heart felt like it had been crushed to pieces. It was disintegrating in my chest, and I couldn’t handle the sensation a second longer.
Get up,my pride demanded,don’t you dare lie down like this.
Forcing myself to unlock my rigid muscles, I slowly clambered off the bed and stood up on shaky legs, surprised that my body could balance itself after the knockout blow I'd taken.
My heart sure as hell felt like it had been KO'd.
My eyelashes felt thick and heavy from the sheer height of crying, and it took a few moments for the blurriness to recede and my vision to clear.
That’s it,the voice in my head coaxed,now stay up.
Breathing hard and ragged, I moved on autopilot, walking out of my room and into the bathroom.
