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“Yeah, well, maybe this time when I fucked up, it cost me more than I was willing to lose.”
“What does that mean?”
“You know what it means,” he replied, running a hand through his hair.
“Say it,” I demanded, as we stood less than two feet apart, with him towering over me. “Give me the words.”
His green eyes blazed with heat when he came right out and said, “it cost me you.”
“Me?”
“You.”
“No.” His words knocked me for six, and I shook my head. “Don’t say that.”
“You asked,” he bit out. “I answered.”
“But you…” Shaking my head, I glared up at him, feeling hopeful and hopeless all in one conflicted breath. “Youdid this, Joey.”
“I know.”
“No, no, no.” I held up a shaky hand, as I mentally batted away the pitiful hope rising up inside of me. “Youbroke up withme.”
“I know, Molloy.” His eyes blazed with heat when he growled, “Iknow.”
“Then don’t feed me anymore bullshit,” I hissed, unable to get a handle on my frazzled emotions. “You were more than willing to lose me when you walked out on me.” Tears burned my eyes as I stared up at him. “I was there, remember? I watched youleave.”
“Because I was trying to do the right thing,” he snarled, losing his cool right back with me. “Fuck!”
“For who?” I screamed, throwing my hands up.
“For you!” he roared back, chest heaving, as he mirrored my actions, throwing his hands up wildly. “For you, Molloy. For fucking you. Always you!” Frustrated, he clenched his hands at his sides and spat, “I was willing to walk away because I knew that it was the best thing that I could doforyou, not because I don’t love you!”
“Loveme?” I choked out a pained, humorless laugh. “Sonowyou give me the word? When it’s over?” I shook my head, incredulous, as devastation ricocheted through me. “That’s just fucking priceless.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m giving you the truth.”
“You know about my parents’ relationship,” I accused, delirious with grief, and desperate for him to hear my pain. For him to know just how deep the knife he put in my back had cut me. It was wedged in the bone, and I was slowly dying inside. “You know why I have issues with trusting men.”
He had the good grace to clamp his mouth shut and nod.
“I never trusted Paul, not once in four years, and Ineverallowed myself to love him, either, because I knew what would happen if I did,” I strangled out, breath coming in short audible puffs. “I knew that in the end, he would let me down and break my heart – if I gave him the power to. So, I didn’t. I kept that power and my heart to myself.” Sniffling, I shook my head and forced myself to look at him, when I said, “But I never stood a chance against you, did I?”
He stared at me for the longest time before blowing out a pained breath. “Aoife. I was trying to protect you.”
“Well, it didn’t work,” I heard myself cry, body growing limp as the adrenalin that had been coursing through me quickly deflated. “Because I’m not okay.”
He flinched. “I know.”
“I’m not okay,” I repeated, needing him to hear me, to see me, to fucking help me. “You asked me earlier if I was okay, and I’m telling you that I’mnotokay.”
“I never meant to…“ His voice broke off and he scrubbed his face with his hand before strangling out, “Iknow, okay? I know. It’s the same for me.”
“You made me fall,” I forced myself to tell him, as every inch of me trembled. “You made me fall, and trust, and believe, and then you took it all away.”
Pain encompassed his features. “I know.”
“I’m in love with you.” I didn’t care how weak or pathetic I sounded in that moment, as I continued to let my truth spill from my lips, as I bled open in front of him. “And I’m afraid for you, and I’m completely fucked up in the head because of you.“ My throat hitched, and I exhaled a broken sob before forcing out, “And I have felt all of these things for you since I was twelve year’s old.”
