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If John buys Jane a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, and Jane doesn’t appear to like it, no matter how gorgeous and expensive and hard-earned the mansion is, John—if he’s a people pleaser—will feel like he presented Jane with a cardboard box on Skid Row instead. He’ll feel like he was the one who messed up, didn’t get the right gift, and even worry he offended her with his “bad decision.”
My goal with this little sub is to take all the guesswork out of it, teach her everything I like and inform her of everything I don’t. And with that knowledge, those guidelines, she can use that wild imagination of hers to no doubt please me in ways I’ve never even thought about. I have a feeling she’d come up with all sorts of little surprises, thoughtful gifts or tasks completed just for me, just to make me happy, and she’d succeed beyond all expectations. The praise she’d earn from me would be 100 percent genuine, brought forth from being truly impressed and made to feel cared about… and even loved.
Above all things, that’s what I crave.
Yes, all the sexual acts and power plays are not too far behind, but the number-one reason, the psychological reason I choose to be an active Dominant, is because I have a need to feel important to someone, loved to a point I’m damn-near worshipped.
My disorder allowed me at a younger age than most men to cut the bullshit and denial to realize this stemmed from “Mommy Issues.” I didn’t go through much of time period trying to figure out why I had these desires, this craving to feel like I was the center of someone’s universe. I don’t have the same ego as a man who isn’t neurodiverse, so it was always very clear to me, made perfect sense, that it was because my mom—to put it lightly—wasn’t the nurturing kind. In fact, she seemed to make it her mission to make me feel as much like a burden as humanly possible.
But with my personality and the way my not-so-typical mind worked, while it did hurt my feelings and cause obvious emotional damage, I also saw our relationship and my upbringing as just another obstacle to overcome by myself. I signed myself up for the gifted and talented program at school. I figured out ways to bring extra food and necessities into the house, when all she would do is complain that we kids ate too much and that’s why we didn’t have enough to make the groceries last. It had nothing to do with the fact that there were five of us siblings, including growing, teenage boys.
I could go on and on for hours about how being born to that woman and growing up with her as my “caregiver” is the sole basis for the particular needs I have in a D/s relationship. Hell, in any romantic relationship, really. Doc said it was odd but not unpleasant, during my sessions for club membership, to speak to someone so level-headed and self-aware when it comes to where their desires stem from.
I’ve allowed my mind to wander this long so the little sub between my legs could decide on her own what she’ll do next. If I were to focus on how she’s now tightened her grip on my cock as she looms over the tip, so close I can fill the little puffs of her breath along the crown, the need to take control would rise up, when I need it to take a back seat. I exerted too much of my dominance on her a few minutes ago, wanting her knees open for me, and damn near ruined a reward she rightly earned. I refuse to do that.
So in order to not push her, not hurry her along so she can do exactly as she pleases at her pace, I try to keep my own breathing steady and think back to John and Joan and their Hollywood Hills mansion. But only because I want to allow her the chance to get acquainted with a part of me I hope she becomes very attached to, both physically and emotionally.
A lot of people would say that Jane is an ungrateful bitch. They’d place all the blame on her for not liking the mansion John bought her. But this is actually one of those societal norms that’s been shoved down everyone’s throat since the first person on earth ever tried to give the second person a gift they ended up not liking. It’s one of the social cues I had to learn when I was very little. Otherwise, I was accused of being extremely rude, when actually I was being politely honest.
A girlfriend once got me Cane’s chicken tenders for lunch.
I don’t eat Cane’s.
Most men, even if they don’t like a certain food, will choke it down just so they don’t hurt their girlfriend’s feelings. In this case, it’s not that I don’t like Cane’s; it’s that their breading makes my stomach extremely upset. In fact, I had to have my gallbladder removed and I can’t eat certain things or I will be so sick I won’t be able to do my job.
