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He does his little laugh to himself thing that makes me feel more than I want. “Soooo, we had really good sex?”
Of course he focuses on that part. “Well, I thought we did.”
His face gets serious. “We did.” The corner of his mouth turns up in a slight smile, and his eyes wander as if stuck in a memory for a moment. “I like your sex, Maci. I like you.”
I choose to temporarily ignore the fact he used the present tense. Not knowing what to say next, I shove the rest of my taco in my mouth.
“I want to be honest with you.” I freeze mid chew. Uhhh more than he already has been? Is the person across from me the same Dean who left a year ago?
I finish chewing and swallow my bite. “You don’t have to explain yourself. It’s not like we were in a relationship or anything.”
“I want to though. There’s a reason you showed up here, and maybe this is it. I’ve felt bad about it, even before I left.”
I had started to raise my beer to my lips but set it down slowly, as if choosing not to multitask would help me hear him more clearly. I stare back, patiently waiting for him to continue.
“I made the official decision to come here last minute. It was right before that first party you came to at my house, remember? I wanted to see you so badly. But the second you got there, I panicked. I felt guilty we were hanging out so much, and I could tell–well, I had a feeling–you were starting to have feelings for me too, even though Itriedto keep it casual.”
Of course I remember that party. It was the first time he told me he missed me and called me “babe.” It was the first time I had real hope he might want toreallybe with me before I found out how misguided that was.
I can't help but look away, repositioning my gaze to my fingers, which are fidgeting on top of the table. He reaches out, resting one hand on top of mine to still them, but I can’t will myself to look at him when I speak. “I knew you didn’t feel the same. It’s okay, Dean. Sometimes it just works out that way–how it’s meant to.”
“Maci.” He puts pressure on my hands until I stop talking. “You’re misunderstanding me. I felt the same way. It wasn’t that at all. I couldn’t stay away from you. It’s why I begged you to come back, but it scared me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry?” I’m confused about what he’s trying to tell me.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying either,” his brown eyes glisten from the twinkle lights above us as he laughs to himself. “That wasn’t the reason I left. I left because I needed to do this for me.” He pauses for a moment. “You know I graduated early, before you, before my friends. I felt like I should have more of an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, but nothing felt right. I had this feeling something was missing, and I needed to go find it. It had nothing to do with you. If anything, you were the only thing that made me want to stay.”
Oh. This is the most upfront Dean has ever been, and I never expected to understand him or his choices after he left. I don’t know what to say. Confusion over one thing was just replaced with another. Seriously, what am I supposed to do with this information? He picks up on my uneasiness.
“Wow, I do not know who possessed my body right now, you’re probably wondering what the fuck just happened. I’m not sure I know,” he chuckles while shifting in his seat. He seems embarrassed.
“Yeaaah, I might need time to process that.” Honest words flow out of me this time. I’m tempted to tell him how much his leaving impacted me, but it doesn’t matter at this point. I’ll be gone in a few days, and I’d rather leave that heartbreak in the past where it belongs.
He leans back in his seat, pulling his beer to his lips but not allowing his eyes to leave mine.
I jolt up in my seat, with a sudden realization. “Shit. I was going to find a hotel in town, but the day got away from me. I spaced.” I pull out my phone to see if I have any service.
His hand reaches back out, this time covering my phone screen. “Chill, Maci, you can stay with me. My place is super small, but it's right over there. We can walk to it.”
“I’ve “stayed” with you before, Dean,” using air quotes for the full effect. “I’m not trying to make assumptions here, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be a great idea.”
“Why do you think that?” He chews on his toothpick as he eyes me.
“Dean,” I plead, hoping the tone in my voice is enough explanation. I’m not here for him. And eventually I’m going home to Mack.
“Okay, okay, I will sleep on the floor, PG sleepover, I promise.” He winks.
Standing, he holds out his hand until I take it. He keeps them linked together, guiding me through the moonlit night as we walk across the wet sand to his place. When we get to his front door, he unlocks it, reaching only his hand inside to flip on the light. Before leading me in, he turns back. “For the record, I didn’t mean for it to feel like I was kicking you out of my truck that day. I just didn’t…” he pauses, his eyes begging me not to make him finish his thought. I nod and nudge him inside.
“Do you need anything?” He sets my backpack on the bed that's in the center of the back wall, held up by a small wood frame. When he said small, he meant it. There’s a little kitchenette and a two person table off to the right and a door I’m assuming leads to the bathroom on the left, and that’s about it. It’s perfect.
“I’m good, I’ve been living out of this backpack for two months, so I don’t need much these days. Thank you, though.” Pulling my pajamas out of my bag, I make a beeline for the bathroom, which is only four steps away. My shorts and bikini are folded in my hand when I walk out to Dean on his knees, laying a blanket on the floor.
“Dean.” One hand flies to my hip as I stare at the back of his head until he turns around.
“Maci.” He acts like he has no idea what I’m about to say.
“Don’t be ridiculous, we can sleep together without sleeping together. We’ve done it before.”
