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He stared into my eyes, slowing each thrust so that they were deeper, more intense than anything else.
“You feel that?”
I nodded.
“This is us. You’re mine. You know that?”
Did I? Yes. I did. There was no question. I nodded once more. “Yes.”
He thrusted again and again.
“You’re mine now. And I’m yours.”
I shook my head to clear it of the memory and felt the shame wash over me. I left him. After what we shared, I left him, without an explanation, without another word. He might have been mean today, but I knew it came from a place of pain. And I was the one who caused it.
I wasn’t sure if he’d even give me a chance to apologize properly, or even speak to me again. But I was here in Moon Harbor for a while, so I refused to give up just yet. The least I could do was give him time and try again. He didn’t have to forgive me. He certainly didn’t have to want to be with me. But I wanted him to at least hear me say “I’m sorry,” and understand the real reason I left.
After the incident on the street, Alex insisted I go over to her house for dinner. She said she didn’t want me to be alone. It was a sweet gesture, but alone was exactly what I wanted to be right now. And as much as I loved my new friend, being around her would only remind me of her brother, which would only remind me of how much I screwed everything up.
I went back into the kitchen to survey my supplies. Alex mentioned she had stocked it with some essentials. I knew from my last stay that she was overly generous on what she defined as “essential,” but I’d still planned on going to the market to get some fresh produce and meat while we were in town.
That obviously hadn’t happened, so I’d just have to make do with what was here for the night. I opened the white cabinet I remembered held the canned goods and found a hearty chicken and dumpling soup.
“Works for me,” I said with a shrug of my shoulder. I heated it up in a small saucepan and scrolled through my phone while I ate it at the round wooden table. Photos of old high school friends, now settling down with husbands and babies hit me one after the other. Everyone looked so happy.
I thought of my own life, how I wanted more for myself. Was it all a mistake? Should I be content with finding a steady man and settling down? I thought of the few boring and uneventful relationships I’d had in the past. I’d never had butterflies like they talk about in the movies. And I’d certainly never had an orgasm during the very vanilla lovemaking I’d experienced.
Even with Charles, the evil ex I’d dated right before I met Drew, the one who kicked this whole journey off, had never shown me anything more than passing affection. I thought that was just how things were.
But meeting Drew changed all of that. I thought of how his touch lit up my blood like fire in my veins. The way his dirty words and harsh movements gave me more excitement and arousal than I’d felt in my entire life—combined. Was it only him who could make me feel that way? And if he never forgave me, would I be destined for a life alone?
Half-way through the bowl of soup, I’d lost my appetite. My life was at a strange crossroads and it seemed like nothing was the way it should be. And I had no idea how to change it. Mostly because I had no control over any of it.
With an over-dramatic moan, I shut my phone off and got up to put the bowl in the sink to deal with later. Right now, I felt the big bathtub upstairs calling my name.
* * *
The hot water poured from the tap, filling the oversized white tub to the brim. A driftwood shelf on the left wall held glass jars with bath bombs and salts. After removing my sweater and jeans, I chose a red cherry and almond scented bomb and dropped it into the water with a satisfying plop. It sank to the bottom, then rose and began to fizz, sending little red and pink bubbles scattered along the surface of the water.
I slipped off my bra and panties, then lowered myself into the scalding water. Steam rose up around me as my cool skin submerged. In only a few moments, my body relaxed, the tension from my muscles easing and all thoughts of the long day cast aside.
My tendency to overanalyze everything would return, but for a little while at least, I could rest and luxuriate in the tub.
“Siri, play something relaxing.”
My music app started up and a song I didn’t recognize, but liked the sound of, started playing from my phone speaker. I settled lower in the water and closed my eyes. The tears came before I knew what hit me. I’d always been optimistic, always had a bright outlook on everything. But as my body relaxed, my mind felt safe enough to let my deepest emotions out.
I thought of my ex, the lies and deceit. Of all the steps I took to get into this mess of a situation. I thought of all the hard work and the long nights and how hard it was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I thought of my family and how they didn’t believe in me. And then I thought of Drew. How he was the first person to make me feel truly alive. The only person. And I just might have ruined it all.
six
I’d beena real dick and I knew it. It normally never bothered me knowing I’d pissed someone off or even hurt their feelings a little. People knew I was an asshole and I never pretended to not be. It’s not like I went out of my way to hurt them, I just didn’t have time to placate or smooth things over with nice words. That wasn’t me.
But fuck. Seeing Mia’s face fall when I basically told her to fuck off was maybe the worst thing I’d ever experienced.
I’d been wanting to see her. Wanting to go find her and beg her to tell me what I did wrong. But I was caught off guard seeing her here in Moon Harbor. It was the absolute last thing I expected to encounter on my way to the pub.
But there she was. Beautiful and sweet as pie, just like I’d remembered, and right in front of me. Every emotion I could think of fought with themselves to get to the surface. And anger had won out.
