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“I’m surprised you got up on time,” she said.
“Well…I was hoping to talk to you.” Glancing toward the dining area to make sure our parents couldn’t hear, I lowered my voice. “Things got weird last night.”
She nodded. “Yes, they did. And I need to apologize.”
“No. You—”
“Yes, I do.” She looked over her shoulder. “I know you just came in from a run, but can we take a walk?”
“Sure.”
She set her coffee mug down before we stepped outside. We went just far enough that we were no longer within earshot of the house. Then we stopped and faced each other on the side of the road.
Noelle looked down at her feet and zipped her hoodie all the way up. “I’m embarrassed about what I said to you.”
I placed my hand under her chin and brought her face to meet my eyes. “Be real with me, Noelle. Was it the alcohol talking? Or was that something you’d thought about when you weren’t drunk, too?”
She hesitated. “I’d thought about it…but I never would’ve mentioned it without the liquid courage.”
“I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I feel really protective of you, and ironically, I also feel like I’m at the top of the list of people you need to be wary of. You know my track record. I don’t fucking trust myself with you, even when you’re not asking me to have sex.”
Her breathing quickened. “I guess… I’m just confused. I obviously value your friendship and care for you deeply. But I’ve never had a guy friend like you—someone I’m also…attracted to.” She shook her head. “I don’t want you to think I was trying to exploit you by asking you to have sex with me.”
Closing the space between us, I said, “I don’t think that.”
“But the lines have a tendency to get blurred,” she continued. “When we’re hanging out, sometimes I notice you staring at me, and I can’t tell if you’re lost in thought or if it’s something more. So I thought maybe…”
I swallowed. Busted.
She sighed. “I often think about what it would be like…to be with you. I have no clue whether you’re even attracted to me. I know you don’t do relationships, so I wasn’t trying to insinuate anything more than just...” Noelle looked down at her feet.
She was being so honest right now. I owed her the same. “Noelle, I think you’re beautiful. Truly. My reaction last night had nothing to do with a lack of attraction. Your face, your body have definitely been in my mental spank bank multiple times this summer. I never would’ve admitted that before last night. But I feel more comfortable being open about it now, since you put it all on the table. I still think it would be a bad idea, though—if we went there.”
She nodded almost frantically, trying to zip her hoodie up again, though it wouldn’t go any farther. “Totally. Like I said, I’d thought about it but would never have suggested it if I weren’t drunk.”
“You’re not drunk right now, though. Be honest. What if I’d said yes last night? Would you still want to go through with it today, now that you’re sober?”
Her face reddened as the seconds passed without a response. “Yeah. I would.”
“Fuck,” I muttered. “Okay. I was kind of hoping you’d say no.”
“Why? It’s not gonna change anything anyway. You said it would never happen. So now I have to work on making things not awkward between us again. That will probably take years.”
“Why would you want to waste your first time on me?”
She looked out toward the ocean. “Because I trust you—not necessarily with my heart or as a boyfriend, but as a friend I trust you. And I feel like I could…”
“What?”
“Learn from you—without feeling stupid for my lack of experience. I feel like you’d have my back, if that makes sense. I wouldn’t feel unsafe having sex with you as a learning experience.”
I let out a shaky breath. “You want me to teach you how to have sex?”
“No,” she muttered. “I mean…not if you don’t want to.”
I should’ve put a stop to this conversation. But instead, I was listening. I was aroused. My body was here for it, even if my conscience wasn’t. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to do that for you, Noelle. But this is about what’s truly best for you. Messing with me? Complicating our relationship? It’s not a good idea.”
“You’re right. It’s a very bad idea. But you asked me to be honest about what I would want, and I answered. Sometimes what we want is a bad idea.”
My eyes fell to her lips, and suddenly all I wanted was to devour them. But my brain still tried to resist it. “Okay.” I let out a long breath as I placed my hands on my hips. “Then it’s settled. It’s a bad idea. And we’ll just forget about it.” I looked into her eyes. “Okay?”
