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I start when I feel him near me, his movements soundless on the carpet. Strong fingers grasp my chin and turn my gaze toward him. “I expect you to look at me when I’m speaking to you.”
I look into his eyes. I swallow, abashed. I can’t hide this from him any longer. I clear my throat.
“You keep acting like I’m yours,” I whisper. “You keep telling me what to do. But it isn’t true. I’m not yours. This is only a game. It’s only a role I’m playing because it’s the way you think will keep me safe. But I…” My voice trails off because I’m not sure how to say what’s on my mind. I haven’t had time to organize my thoughts, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.
“Ahhh,” he says softly. Do I notice a twinkle in his eye? Thayer’s eyes don’t twinkle. “I know what the problem is.”
“What?” I snap.
Shaking his head, he sinks into one of the plush chairs and points to his lap. “Come here, Savannah.”
“Why?” I ask, shaking my head. “I’m not yours. I’m only—”
His voice cuts like a whip. “Because I said so.”
I remember the threat of his closet, but we aren’t there now. I remember the threat of torturing me by not letting me come, but I can’t imagine he’d do that here.
“And you’ll punish me if I don’t,” I supply with mounting frustration. “Even though I’m not yours. Even though this isn’t—”
The snap of his fingers makes me start. “Now.”
I blink back tears as I walk over to him. I want to break through the wall that holds us apart. I want truth and honesty.
I want to be made vulnerable again. To know I’m safe.
I make my way over to him with more than a little hesitation. I don’t want to blindly obey him. I want to know what’s holding us back, and why.
So when I slide myself onto his lap, I cup his face in my hands. He might be the dominant, but that doesn’t mean that I have no power.
“Why, Thayer?” I whisper. “Why do you hold yourself back? You’re not afraid of Fabien. What are you afraid of?”
He looks intently into my eyes. He doesn’t push me away.
“Are you jealous?” he asks curiously.
I won’t lie to him. I nod. “Riddled with jealousy,” I whisper. “I hated hearing them call you sir. I hated listening to them serve you. I’m not a violent person, and I wanted to poke their eyes out.” I draw in a shuddering breath before I release it. “I know what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. And watching women like that audition for you didn’t help my cause.”
His hands cover mine. He slowly drags them from his face before he kisses each palm and places them on my lap.
I don’t expect him to open up the way he does.
“My father died in a fire,” he says.
I blink in surprise. I didn’t expect him to respond to my question, and definitely not with something like this. While he talks, he strokes his thumb over the top of my hand.
“Many would say my father was not a good man. But he was loyal to his family and good to my mother and he raised me and my brothers to be fearless and resilient. He taught us that the measure of a man is not the rules he plays by but his adherence to the rules. He taught us to be hardworking, loyal, and fearless.”
I listen, giving him space to tell me what he needs to.
“We were in a warehouse. I tried to get to him. I broke the windows with my bare hands and couldn’t reach him. I watched as the roof collapsed, knowing he was gone.”
“Thayer—”
He puts a finger to my lips. I kiss it and listen.
Oh, God. A lump rises in my throat and I swallow it down. This isn’t my tragedy but his.
“I don’t do commitments, Savannah. I don’t do relationships.”
It all makes sense. Why he owns a club where he’s in charge but only dabbles in whatever it is he craves. Why he doesn’t have a long-term relationship and likely never has. Why he pushes me away, only to draw me back to him.
He fears that if he loves someone, he will lose them.
My heart squeezes, as I feel my own fears begin to dissipate.
“It’s not that I don’t want this with you,” he says, holding each of my hands in his.
It’s that he wants it so badly and fears losing me.
I matter that much to him.
He’s pushed me away from day one, but I know why now.
Some might say that admitting fear makes him weak. That he’s less of a man. I don’t see it that way, though, not at all. Thayer is honest and transparent. He demands the same from me and has the integrity to hold himself to even higher standards.
