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“You were just a shortcut, nothing more. Fuck you and your daddy’s money, I’ll make it on my own, which is more than you can say for yourself, you silver spooned shit head!”
Robbie kicked his suitcase, taking nothing but my phone as he flipped me off. He couldn’t even respond. My words were too heavy for his small frame.
As soon as Robbie left, I locked the door, squeezing it tight as if it would help. The house was silent, and I rested for a moment, placing my hand on the knob to catch my breath. I never felt so exhausted yet so relieved. My future was uncertain, but it was certainly free of Robbie. I relished in the thought, using what little strength I had to walk back up. My room was a mess, scattered with clothes. I couldn’t bring myself to go inside; instead, I walked into the dark room beside it, Mom’s old office. I shut the door behind me, allowing only the collapsing moon to light my path. Mom would know what to say, how to help. Her photo sat on a table. I couldn’t help but grab it along my way, falling into the small daybed beneath the window. I had her eyes, her smile. She looked so happy, yet I was so sad. I didn’t know what to do, other than hold her closely as I laid in the dark.
The thought of a new life was scary, but I imagined the possibilities as I stared at the ceiling. Homeless in a big city or back in this tiny town with Dad. Both thoughts frightening, both motivating me to accomplish more. I couldn’t help but rest my eyes, avoiding the issues that I was eager to tackle. The clanging rattle of my little heater shot on, a victory cry of its own after the beating it received from Robbie. I could hear its hum in the next room, muted and soothing. We were both busted, but we were both winners in our own right. I held onto this thought as tiredness overtook me, falling asleep with Mom in my arms.
21
Nathan
Iwas far enough away, the music from the charity event reemerged once again, but softly in the distance now, as I made my way along the dark road. Buzzing traffic flew right past me, the wind impacted my stumbling walk in and out of the sidewalk free zone. Careless, I knew. I ran the risk of getting hit. I just couldn’t care enough to stop. I only felt stuck, unable to pass the thought of Julia. I felt crazy. It had been so long since I felt this, since Emma. I just wanted to be a part of her life, a part of her family.
Even as scary as the chief could be, I still cared for him. His words hung heavy in my mind, much like those from a disappointed father. The truth was he was like a dad, especially since I lost my parents so long ago. He stuck up for me, he took me when others wouldn’t. I wished I could be back, to prove myself to him and Julia once more.
But how did you stop a spiral, when it felt like you were sliding down, unable to cling onto the chances that life gave? So much was lost in Chicago, now so much was lost tonight.
I checked my phone. Its light was my saving grace in the cricket-filled abyss where I stood. I felt the phantom buzz of a call, but nothing there. I ordered an Uber and laid on the side of the road. I wanted to close my eyes, but instead, I scrolled through my messages, pulling up Julia’s.
Julia: you’re in charge baby, I’m all yours for the taking.
Her last message before our secret outing. I read it, over and over. The words taunting me, their context renewed for my own selfish need. I had to see her, I had to make things right. I called, but it didn’t even ring. Her voicemail kicked on, but I hung up and called again. Voicemail. In a panic, I called Willie, unsure of what to do. It rang once, followed by the muffled sounds of an entangled exchange.
“Nathan!” It was Eve, almost shouting into the phone, “How could you ruin a good thing?” I could ask her the same, though I had felt the rush to move.
“I need to find Julia, where is she?”
“Gone!” She shouted." She went home with Hedge Fund Hitler.” I could hear Willie shouting my name in the background, but I didn’t know why.
“Give me her address! I’m going there now.” I heard nothing, only the silence of a disconnected line. I was going to call back, but instead my phone vibrated, illuminating my face with a text from Willie’s number. In my hand was her address, along with the message.
Willie: Take care of our girl - Eve
Our girl, my girl. I wished it were so. Though, I didn’t want her to be mine, I wanted to be hers. I would never want to own her, I merely wanted to exist in her story, forever. Even if it cost me everything, I needed to try one last time, to plead my case, my desire to love her truly. My phone went dim, as the beaming lights of my approaching ride rolled down the street.
Fourteen minutes left. The timer on my phone counted down, as the map of our car moved along the way to the new drop off point. Soon I would be at her doorstep, and the anticipation started to sink in. How could I run into burning buildings yet be scared of this? Surely Robbie would be there too, and I felt uncertain of how it would go.
Life out here was so different than Chicago. I never cared for it, but it allowed me to be a firefighter, or at least it once did. Everything was so dark, and the flat land was blotted with thick forests throughout. So strange, yet peaceful. If only I had known the gift that this state would bring.
In a strange way, all the bullshit, the hurt and trouble I caused, led me to meeting Julia. I would be grateful for that, had it not also sabotaged my newfound purpose. I worried about this, if she could forgive me for who I was.
Three minutes to go. We were driving in the middle of nowhere, an unnerving solitude that accompanied rural living. God forbid anything ever happen, who knows how long it would take to get help.
“That doesn’t look good up ahead,” the driver announced, no concern in his voice. “You did say 223 East Maple Avenue, right?”
“Yeah,” I glanced past his seat, witnessing the hot glow of a raging fire. It sat in the distance, defiant to the dark, its own rising sun.
Sheer panic raced in my heart, the pulsing dot of my drop off flickered on my phone, signaling the burning house before us. I gripped the shoulder of his seat, shouting in his ear.
“Go, go, go!” My impatient voice alerted his reaction, “Faster now!” I shouted. He said no words but accelerated quickly as my body fell back into the seat. The trees whipped past us, cutting in and out from our frame of focus. I wanted to scream, our speed was increasing but not fast enough. It was hell.
The car bounced up the curb, the rocks crackled beneath its tires. I didn’t wait for it to stop, instead, I shot out the door as it continued to move.
“Call 9-1-1.” I yelled at the driver, sprinting as hard as I could, my lungs burning with cold air. My feet defied the ground, covering great lengths with each powerful step. I ripped off my jacket, feeling my medal of valor tumble to the floor. I lost sight of my surroundings, the tunnel vision of my determination focused on the porch.
Without thought, I kicked the front door, my foot planting deeply into its belly. The heavy wood frame collapsed, shooting shards of mahogany into the scorching house.
“Julia!” I shouted, my heaving chest busted from the confines of my buttoned shirt, incapable of concealing my movements any longer.
