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She flashed a polite, professional smile and left me alone with my thoughts, which mostly consisted of trying to figure out how I could have this baby and take care of it without using anything.
It was foolish to think that I could do this on my own, but I just couldn’t even consider the other options. I couldn’t give my baby away, couldn’t just get rid of him or her like they were nothing. God or no God, this was my baby.
I had to find a way.
I wondered if I could get my job back if I explained to Fred what had happened. I wouldn’t have to tell him I was pregnant for a while, anyway.
“Knock, knock. Can I come in?” Maisie’s dark head popped inside the door, a wary smile on her face. “Bonnie! You’re up!” She kicked the door open and revealed an armload of bags and packages.
“Hey Maze. Come on in.” It was good to see her face again. She was so beautiful, so bright and lively. So happy. And this time, I just missed my friend. It didn’t hurt to see her so happy. Not anymore. “Come in and tell me what you’ve been up to.”
Maisie shook her head. “Oh no, sister. You’re talking first. Spill it.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to tell. I got in over my head and paid the price. I’d much rather talk about you. And Virgil.”
That brought on the expected smile and moon-eyed look. “God, that man. He’s so amazing! Don’t say anything, but I think he plans to propose soon.” There was a pang of envy but otherwise, just joy. “Isn’t that insane?”
“Is it? He’s crazy about you and you are, well I’ve never seen you this way over a man before. It’s sweet.”
“Sweet? Now I know you must’ve hit your head out in the desert because he’s anything but sweet.” Her laugh said otherwise, but I let it go with a shrug and a smile.
“My head was about the only thing I didn’t hurt. Then again, it wasn’t on all that straight before I got dumped like garbage.” A sigh escaped but I didn’t want her pity or anyone else’s. I didn’t deserve it. “I’m fine Maisie. The doctor said there should be no lingering physical problems.” And I would suppress the mental ones until there was room in my life to process them.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you, Bon, and I’m even sorrier that I didn’t realize how bad things were for you. I’m a shitty friend.”
“No, stop it. You have a life to live. We’re friends, but that doesn’t mean you have to look after me. I’ll figure things out.” Eventually.
“I’m still a shitty friend. Are they letting you out soon?”
I shook my head. “Nope. The doctor won’t let me go until I give her an address, even though I told her this place would bankrupt me.”
Maisie scoffed. “Jasper owns this place. You don’t owe anything. He’s taking care of you, Bonnie. Didn’t Cal or Sadie tell you?”
“No.” I didn’t tell her that I hadn’t seen Calvin. After I’d heard his voice in the corridor, he hadn’t been by once to see me. Not once in four, maybe five days. “No one said anything.”
“Probably because they didn’t want you to worry about doctor bills when you need to focus on healing.”
I let out a small laugh. “I’m stuck in a room all day. What else is there to focus on?” Besides worrying about a future starting just below zero, which hadn’t produced anything worth mentioning. With each passing day, I wondered if I should explore my options. Do what was best for my baby. Whatever that was.
Maisie sighed and took my hands in hers. “Want to pray? I’ll pray with you.”
A bitter laugh escaped, and I shook my head. “No thanks. I haven’t been able to pray for months now, and I’ve given up.” I told her about praying in the desert for my suffering to end. “Even then, He didn’t come through, Maisie. He didn’t help save Father Eric either, so what’s the point?”
“You always said praying gave you peace, made you feel connected.”
“Yeah, well that was when I thought it mattered, being a good person, a kind person. I tried to be that person my entire life, and still I ended up here, broken and beaten, used and discarded. So thanks for the offer, but I don’t pray. Not anymore.”
Maisie sighed and nodded but seemed disappointed to hear I had turned on my religion. That hurt my heart deeply, but what was one more person disappointed in me, in the grand scheme of things?
“I’m here, Bonnie, whatever you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
That wasn’t true, but I knew she thought it was. Eventually, she’d be engaged and then married with a family of her own, and I’d be some junkie she used to know. “I know,” I said to smooth over the moment.
