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Julia’s eyes flickered.
“I just couldn’t believe he abandoned you like that,” Anna continued, speaking a little too quickly. “It was like he forgot everything we stood for as a family. I’d thought we were strong. That we cared about each other.”
Julia nodded very slowly. After a very long pause, she finally spoke. “Your father was never the love of my life, Anna. And maybe it was insincere of me to marry him in the first place.”
Anna’s lips parted with surprise. Her mother had never said this. “Why did you?”
“I was so young. Gosh, it’s like I was a different person.” Julia pulled her dark hair into a ponytail. “But by the time we were married, we’d already had you, and we were pregnant with Henry, and it seemed like our lives were running out in front of us without our permission. I figured we should just run forward instead of looking behind. And that worked for a very long time.” Julia paused for a moment, then added, “And I don’t regret anything that’s happened. Because it all led me here— to this restaurant where I’m sitting with you, my pregnant daughter. And just a few streets away, my high school sweetheart is working in his workshop, and our love is stronger than ever.”
Anna nodded. “I’m so glad you’ve found this life for yourself, Mom.”
Julia wrapped her hand around Anna’s. “Nothing that’s happened to you is fair, honey. But in everything, I hope you go with your gut feeling. It can’t lead you astray.”
ChapterTwenty-Three
Anna hadn’t been to New York City in many years. Later that week, when she arrived on the bus and stumbled out into the chaos of Manhattan, she paused for a moment, gasping for breath, astonished at the weight of the dank air and the sounds of the car horns and the penetrating blue sky just above the very tall buildings. Seattle had nothing on New York City, and now that she was an islander, every city seemed to pulse with far too much life and far too much noise. She realized, with a funny jump in her stomach, that city life was behind her now. She was on the path to something else.
Anna checked into a cheap hotel room north of Central Park, where she took a shower to get the bus stink off of her, then dressed in a navy-blue dress and a pair of flats. In the mirror, she gave herself a pep talk as, on her phone, an email from her editor dinged through. They wanted her to go on another trip soon to write about Bar Harbor, Maine.Was she up for it?Anna wrote back quickly to say she was and that, given her proximity to anything on the east coast, she was up for a vibrant schedule of travel writing events that summer.
At six-thirty, Anna took the subway to Greenwich Village. There, she walked along gorgeous streets, past townhouses that told her stories of New York eras past, and fell into the daydream of this city’s vibrant life.
And then, before she knew what had hit her, she found herself in front of the restaurant where she’d agreed to meet Jackson Crawford. She adjusted her dress in the reflection of the door, then walked through, her heart in her throat.
Already, her father was at the back corner table, wearing a suit and tie, his hair styled with gel. He looked younger and hipper than he had when they’d lived in the suburbs of Chicago, and Anna reminded herself that, although her father would always be her father, he was allowed to build whatever life he pleased. He was a rather young man, still. There was a lot of time left for him to become whatever it was he needed to become.
“Hi, Dad.” Anna felt nervous enough to faint. She smiled at him from the other side of the table, then winced as her father sprung to his feet and gathered her in an awkward hug. Anna allowed it to happen, unsure how not to. And after a few moments in his embrace, Anna was cast into memories long past, when she’d just been a girl who’d loved her daddy.
“Anna. Anna, Anna.” Her father seemed overwhelmed. Very soon after, he stepped back and sat in the chair, then began to babble about the restaurant, about how he’d always wanted to take her there because they had great dumplings, and how grateful he was that she’d decided to come into the city to see him.
“Thanks for taking time off work,” Anna said, feeling herself smile.
“It’s not a big deal,” Jackson said. “I’m happy to take off work whenever you want to come into the city.” He paused, then added, “Maybe sometime you, Henry, and Rachel can all come at the same time. You can even stay at my apartment if you want.”
Jackson stalled, realizing he’d pushed it too far. “Anyway. What are you drinking?”
Anna ordered a Diet Coke from the server, and her father ordered a glass of white wine. He then told her how exquisite the wine selection was and that she should really try it, but Anna just shrugged and said, “I don’t feel like drinking tonight.” This shut her father up immediately.
After they ordered several tapas, including dumplings and crab rangoon and spring rolls, Dean sipped his wine and caught her eye.
“I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am about what happened to Dean.”
Anna dropped his gaze, as it was too intense, like looking at the sun. “Thank you for saying that.”
“Really, honey. I know you two had plans. And what happened is uniquely unfair.”
“Bad things happen all the time,” Anna said, wanting to shove away her father’s kindness. But instead, she rebounded and said, “Thank you for saying that, though. It means a lot.”
“I wish I could have met him,” Jackson said. After a long pause, he added, “Would you mind telling me about him?”
This was something nobody had asked Anna, not since Dean’s death. She swallowed the lump in her throat and brought the memory of Dean’s face back to her mind. Oh, gosh. She loved that face. She loved him so much.
“He was so funny,” Anna heard herself say. “We used to laugh and laugh until we couldn’t laugh anymore. And he was adventurous, too. He always wanted to try a new restaurant or see a new band in concert or travel somewhere spontaneously. When he asked me to marry him, I thought— wow. My life is going to be so exciting because he’ll always be around.”
Jackson continued to study Anna with dark eyes, hanging on her every word.
“When he died, I was pretty sure that I was just going to die, too,” Anna confessed, her voice breaking. “But now…”
Should she tell him?It was such a huge intimate secret, and yet, a strange part of her needed her father to know.
