Page 82 of Heartful


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I climb to my feet and pull my pre-checked piece of paper with my name on it. I stare down at the thick check mark I put next to the yes, and I try to keep my face neutral. Once I slip it into the hole on top of the box, I make my way back to my spot on the couch. The girls have already placed their votes, and since I was the last guy, the segment we’ve all been waiting for is now here.

“After six weeks of watching these threecouples learn about each other, how to live together, and the many facets of relationships, we now get to see the ending. These couples have had ups and downs, like any usual couple does, but were their ups enough to outweigh their downs? Were they able to overcome relationship woes to find the love of their lives? It’s time to find out.” She smiles into the camera as we all wait behind her.

I know they are zooming in on each of us, and I wonder if there is a thin layer of sweat on my forehead. It’s really hot in here, and I’m ready to get out of this suit.

“To make it fair, I’ll be picking an answer from the women’s box and then from the men’s box, back and forth until we are done.”

I glance at Alice again. I want her answer to be pulled first so that I can start to breathe easier. I know that she’s going to say yes; it’s been all over her from the beginning. I just need to hear it.

“The first answer is from …” She pauses, drawing the anticipation out. “Fiona!”

I fight the urge to groan. This is unbearable.

“She marked … yes,” she says, smiling at Fiona, whose face is turning red.

I don’t really know her. I didn’t even really get to know the guys much over this whole experience. We had a few joint filming days, but other than trading niceties and general getting to know you type of questions, I stuck to myself.

“Now, for the men. Our first answer is from … Simon.” She holds up the paper, waving it back and forth at the camera. I think she might have even winked. “Let’s see what he has to say about the lovely Alice.” She pauses, and I start to feel a little violent about all the theatrics. I get they make good television, but I’ll never get back this moment in my life. “He marked yes.”

I look at Alice, a smile prepped on my face, but I pause when I see her own face has gone pale. Maybe no one else would notice underneath the copious amounts of stage makeup she has on, but I can tell. Something isn’t right.

I rub my palms on my pants, but it doesn’t help. They stay clammy. I’m known for having steady hands, ones that don’t fail me when it comes to intricate surgeries, but you wouldn’t know it now, the way they seem to have a mind of their own as they shake.

She won’t meet my eyes, instead watching the announcer as she reaches into the women’s box.

“Oh, look, Alice’s answer,” she says, turning in a circle to show the in-house audience, who all lightly clap and lean in. “She marked …”

We all wait as she opens the paper, looking at it for a moment and then back up at everyone.

“No.”

The audience gasps. My heart drops. Alice jerks up to her feet, looking wildly around before one of the girls pulls her back down onto the couch. The show continues around us, but I feel like my ears are ringing, tuning everything out, except the sound of my heartbeat to keep me company.

I don’t look at Alice. I don’t know if she looks at me. Part of me wants to know what she’s thinking, and the other part of me is berating myself for even caring.

I knew this whole thing was a bad idea.

Didn’t I tell myself that in the beginning? Wasn’t that why I had safeguards in place to protect my heart? Now, it’s been decimated all over again, and this time, I don’t think there’s any coming back from it.

I’m done. Finished.

The rest of the show passes quickly—or so it seems, as I’m lost in thought the entire time. Suddenly, I’m shaking hands with others while looks of pity are being tossed my way, and I can’t stand it. All of the couples, except for us, ended up together.

Isn’t that what I wanted? Isn’t that what I pushed for this entire process—a clean break?

I look around, unable to locate Alice.

“She ran toward the dressing rooms, I believe,” Boris says, appearing at my shoulder with a shit-eating grin on his face.

He’s a shifty, shitty person, and I dislike him more than I did when this whole thing started. Thank goodness this is the end, and good riddance.

I stride in that direction without saying anything to him, but I can feel his beady little eyes boring into my back.

Everyone else is still in the main room, celebrating, so I know we have this back area to ourselves. If she’s still here. I knock against the women’s dressing room door, and it’s slightly open. I push it in with the force of my fist, and I peek inside.

“Alice?” I say softly, my eyes darting until I find her, curled up in a chair, streaks of mascara running down her face. “Can I come in?”

She sniffles and looks up, meeting my gaze. I can’t stand to see her like this, no matter if she just embarrassed me on TV. Maybe I deserved it. I watch her wipe underneath both eyes, smearing the black makeup along the apples of her cheeks. She nods, and I step inside. I slip my hands into my pockets for lack of something better to do with them. I want to pull her into my arms, have her tell me it was all a mistake.

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