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“Do you like Lily?”
“Fuck no.” The denial was immediate. I didn’t want to discuss what had been going through my head the last few weeks. He’d try to convince me to give it a try, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to shut this conversation down.
But something on Ryan’s face had me turning around to see Lily’s face. She looked hurt. Fuck. She must have heard me. I was an asshole. This was why I couldn’t be with someone like her. I fucked everything up. I’d crush her like a flower in my fist.
“You want to see Berta?” I asked her over the burning sensation in my throat.
She swallowed hard and nodded.
I touched her elbow and guided her to the van. When we were outside, I let go of her and asked, “Did you overhear Ryan and me talking about you?”
Lily nodded, not meeting my gaze.
I ran a hand over my face. “I didn’t mean for you to hear.”
She looked away. “It’s not a big deal.”
I rocked on my heels, not sure if I would make things worse by trying to explain what was going on in my head. “But it’s not true.”
Her brow furrowed as she turned to face me. “So, it’s not true that you don’t like me?”
I nodded.
“Then why did you say what you did?” she asked, nothing but genuine curiosity in her face.
“I didn’t want to talk about it with Ryan. He’d try to convince me of things that aren’t possible.”
Her forehead wrinkled. “What’s not possible?”
I stepped closer to her, allowing myself to brush a strand of hair that had fallen out of her braid to the side. “You and me. We don’t make sense.”
She sucked in a breath. “How so?”
“We’re too different. You’re light and sunshine, and I’m heavy and dark.” That’s how I’d always felt growing up in Nana’s house.
“I’ve told myself the same thing.”
“You have?”
“I have a history of dating guys like you.” Her face flushed.
That was interesting. “Guys like me?”
“You know, guys who give off this bad-boy vibe.” Her face flushed a deep pink, as if she were embarrassed to admit that.
I let out a laugh. “Is that how you see me?”
“Obviously, I’m generalizing. I don’t know anything about you, but I sense that there’s something going on. Something holding you back from your potential. That you don’t see yourself like others do.”
We barely knew each other, yet she’d read me accurately.
“Am I right?”
“Close.” I wasn’t ready to tell her about my history, although she might have already heard about my past from Hailey or their friends. Hailey’s memory of our mother was different from mine. I was six years older, forced to grow up and care for my sister, even when we lived with my mother. I made sure Hailey ate, went to school, and did her homework.
“I’m attracted to you, and clearly, you feel the same, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. Not that that’s what you want either,” she finished in a rush, clearly flustered.
“I am attracted to you. But you’re right. I’m not interested in a relationship.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever want something serious, and she deserved more. She’d given me an easy out, and I’d taken it.
