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She crossed her arms and nodded. “It’s Holden, isn’t it?”
Shocked by her perceptiveness, I blinked. “How did you know?”
“The last time you guys were at our apartment, I got a vibe. The way he jumped to leave with you, the way you guys danced at our wedding. Don’t think I didn’t catch that. There’s a vibe for sure.” She raised her brow. “It’s not exactly new, though, is it?”
I looked away. “Holden and I have a connection that goes way back. We used to have these conversations when no one else was around—that Ryan didn’t even know about. It was all very innocent then, though. Whatever is happening now…doesn’t feel so innocent.”
“What are we talking about here, Lala? I need you to be upfront with me. No bullshit.” She sighed. “If all this is just flirting, I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it. I mean—”
“We had phone sex,” I blurted before sucking down the remnants of my basically empty glass.
Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.
Billie’s eyes widened, and she lifted her hand to the waitress. “She’s gonna need another drink.”
I blew out a long, shaky breath. “Not so innocent, huh?”
“Okay. Back up. How did that happen?”
I proceeded to tell Billie everything that’d happened in the month since I’d arrived in New York, from going to Holden’s shows, to the hotel-room stay, to the phone sex. She listened intently with a look of complete nonjudgment, which I appreciated more than she could know.
“Okay…” she said. “So while not innocent by any means, when you originally said you had phone sex, I assumed it had been a little more interactive. No offense, but I couldn’t even picture you doing that, for some reason.” She laughed. “Not that the one-sided stuff you participated in was right. But you literally just listened to something and got off. Sort of like porn. So, it’s not as bad as it could be.”
“It was bad enough.”
“Let me ask you something, though. Is this attraction to Holden more than just sexual?”
The woman came by to take our order, which gave me a minute to think about Billie’s question. I chose the beef tacos while Billie ordered taquitos.
After the waitress left, I returned to Billie’s question. “So…like I said before, he and I have always had a connection. I don’t think these feelings would be messing me up so much if they were purely sexual. Holden is not what anyone in their right mind would consider boyfriend material, but he does have some really good qualities. He’s incredibly down-to-earth, wears his heart on his sleeve, and would do just about anything for anyone. I never feel judged by him. I feel like I could tell him anything.”
Billie leaned in. “I’m gonna be straight with you, Lala. I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand, I know Holden’s reputation and history would seem to make him a bad partner. On the other hand, I’m a believer that everyone has to grow up sometime. Maybe he does have the capacity to change. I mean, my husband was apparently just as big a playboy as Holden at one time. He’s not anymore—otherwise he’d be dead.” She chuckled. “I guess what I’m saying is, if you have true feelings for Holden, maybe you need to consider pausing your plans with Warren.”
I swallowed. “Cancel the wedding, you mean?”
“I hate to say it, but yeah. I’m not saying break up with him, even. But for fuck’s sake, sort this shit out before you end up marrying the man.”
“Not sure how I end our engagement and keep the relationship alive, though. It’s either break up or don’t.”
“Do you love him?”
“Who?”
Billie’s mouth slowly opened. “Oh my God…you had to think about who I was referring to? Think about that, Lala.” She shook her head. “I was talking about Warren. But in your mind, you were also considering whether you loved Holden.”
Jesus. I rubbed my eyes. “I do love Warren. But I don’t know what that means anymore. I care about him deeply. Is that really enough? I think the scariest part is that I don’t know whether all of this is a phase. My biggest fear is letting go of someone who will truly make a great partner because of a fire inside of me that could eventually burn out. Or worse, it destroys me. What happens then?”
“You might be alone. That’s the truth. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. But life is about taking chances, Lala. The safe route isn’t always the best. What if you missed out on something mind-blowing because you weren’t willing to risk losing everything? I get that Warren is safe and you love him on some level. But as someone watching from the outside? It’s clear to me that you’re looking for more.”
The room felt like it was swaying. “Yeah,” I muttered.
“Whether that more comes from Holden or not, I can’t be sure. I also don’t want to put all of my faith in him because I don’t know that I can do that, either. I would love to believe he could change, though.” She smacked the table. “Do me a favor. Don’t waste any more time beating yourself up over what already happened. Just vow to do better. Make wise decisions that won’t put you further into a state of guilt. That doesn’t mean taking the safe way out, either, Lala.” She leaned in and whispered, “If you want to fuck Holden, do it. But handle things with Warren first. Tell him you need space to sort things out. Make a clear decision one way or the other. Because it’s this in-between shit that’s driving you mad.”
