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I laughed wryly. Everyone referred to that period as old. And maybe it was to them, because life kept going. For Tobias and me, it had hiccupped. We’d never aired it out.
“It may have been a long time ago, but it’s not old. I swear, I don’t harbor ill-will for Grandmother, but I do get frustrated that she’s still here, yet I can’t confront her about this. I feel like she owes me an apology. Something!”
My father shook his head. “Nah, baby girl. That lady don’t owe you or me shit. She looked out when it was time. She raised you from four-years-old to college. She looked out for me. She ain’t the one that owes you. It’s me. I owe you. If I’da been around after ya Earth passed, raising you right, you’da seen that weak-ass nigga coming a mile away, too.” His nostrils spread and I lost his eyes as he wiped the sides of his mouth. His small frame rocked a bit as he stared at the floor. “It ain’t easy for me to say all the shit I need to, but…” He exhaled, switching the weight on his hips. “Just put it like this: you inviting me to come chill over here’s gonna give me the opportunities I’mma need to keep apologizing. I’m your daddy. I failed you. I failed ya Earth—may Darlene rest in peace.” He whispered. “Then I fucked up with you. Let my moms stay where she at. She can’t defend herself. I’mma do my best to help you let that shit go. A’ight?”
Fighting back burgeoning tears, with pouted lips, I nodded. He’d never expressed that juxtaposition to me—any at all, in fact. The only time I’d ever felt a connection to him was when he descended on Kelvin years back in North Carolina. That was the one time I felt like a daughter to anyone.
“So, what’s up with the house in Raleigh?”
I shrugged, feeling momentarily, emotionally defeated. “I’ve been considering renting the place out again.”
“Word? Why?”
A wry smile pushed onto my face. “Because if there’s been anything I’ve learned from you, it’s been to create options for myself. Selling the house may give me a nice payout, but renting it can provide security down the line.” I winked.
Expressionless, my father nodded.
“Sara?” I asked into the screen where I was on aFaceTimecall with Raj. “Sara Peterson?”
“Yeah, man. Sara fuckin’ Peterson. She was a sweetheart. Her parents are cool people’s, too.”
“They live…what? Twenty minutes down the road from your estate?”
“Ten,” he corrected me.
“Damn,” I whispered.
When the phone rang with aFaceTimefrom Raj, I almost didn’t answer. He knew I’d been inKarsyn Cove, cutting tracks with Dale. But my gut told me to see what he had to say. The last thing I was expecting to hear about was death. Raj had an older brother with special needs named Arnie. Arnie was high-functioning, but needed supervision, to a degree. So, Raj built him a ranch on the back of his palatial estate. Arnie had a friend, Sara, who was developmentally delayed, too. She was a nice and high-energy Caucasian woman who crushed on my guy, Arnie, so bad over the years. Raj allowed her to come by and utilize Arnie’s farm, too. I liked Sara a lot. One year, when working on one of Raj’s albums, we found ourselves back at the ranch. Sara asked me to “make her a singer.” Within a few hours, we had a song. Sara’s parents met us on the ranch, and we watched Sara perform her new track, “Farm Girl.” It was fun and funny as hell. Sara was a star, truly.
Raj said her parents found her non-responsive in her bed this morning.
“And they don’t know what happened?”
With a twisted mouth, Raj shook his head. “It’s fucked up.”
“It is. How’s Arnie taking it?”
“Wynter wants to wait to hear back about the cause before we tell him. You know Arnie’s gonna wanna know every detail.”
“Yeah.” That’s how my guy’s brain worked.
“You know what this reminds me to do?”
I scratched my beard, sitting back from the sound board. “What’s that?”
“To love as hard as you possibly can. If love makes you happy, then love, my nigga. Sara was full of love.”
I nodded. “She damn sure was.”
“You are, too, Tobe.” That gave me pause. “Word. Remember what I said to you Thanksgiving morning about Lennox?” I nodded, running my palm down the top of my head, not wanting to go there. “Although, it was out of love, I’m thinking this Sara shit just broadened my view of you. You’re love, too. You speak it, you teach it, you give it. Shit, man, you probably ‘fuck it,’ too!” I chuckled at that as Raj laughed, clowning me.
“If taking care of people is how God created you, as your brother, I can’t criticize you for that,” he continued. “After seeing you two together that night, I realized I didn’t trust you to be you. You’re fuckin’ Tobias Elliott, the love doctor, musically. Of course, you live that shit. So, I guess what I’m saying, my guy, is continue to be love. Love your fuckin’ heart out. I need it. The world needs it.”
I scoffed, not feeling love at all. Thanksgiving Day was a dream. The morning after, the fairytale ended, and a fucking hocus-pocus spell hit my world. Did I believe Lennox was regretful? Yeah, I did. But regret wouldn’t erase what her actions uncovered. She couldn’t love my baby. I would never ask Lennox to parent Elia. She already had two. Nonetheless, Lennox’s acceptance couldn’t be negotiated. Yeah, I’d fucked up when getting a girl pregnant back then. Elia was my consequence, but she wasn’t a punishment.
My head rolled back, and eyes closed as I groaned. Raj’s message was appreciated, but the timing was fucked. “A’ight, man. Much appreciated.”
“Love.”
