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That summer would color my lenses for what I saw down the line for my life. I wouldn’t know for years to come how I should have, perhaps, slowed down for a moment, and given myself more time to develop and allow Tobias to as well. I could never forget the day he came to my grandmother’s house, broken and regretful. We’d just met a few months before, practically falling into a deep connection, when he learned he was going to be a father soon. Hurt, I broke things off with him. It was easy to: my grandmother and others from the church family voted against me being with him. I chose against him.
I was wrong.
Sauntering out of the en suite bathroom to my suitcase on the sofa, I rubbed the towel over my wet hair. Tobias was kind enough to go back out, using my rental car, of course, to drive to the localCVS. I needed shampoo and a good conditioner to wrestle with my tangled hair after what couldn’t be tucked beneath the helmet got soaked from the rain. I was able to find my brush inside a toiletry bag when I realized I didn’t have a blow dryer.
“Shit!” Dramatically, I closed my eyes to a squeeze. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”
I was used to airdrying it, especially when in a rush or uninspired to style it. But it was nighttime in New Jersey. There would be no fresh-air drying. I had to leave early in the morning to get to the airport on time. Certainly, my hair wouldn’t be completely dry by then. But I wouldn’t ask Tobias to go back out in that wet mess. I had other plans for him as my eyes brushed against the box of condoms I purchased after dropping off Scott on Wednesday. My fingers grazed the box as a wave of anxiousness lanced my belly. I’d been considering this.
For a while—years, actually—I’d wondered what Tobias was like as a mature lover, and if it resembled who he was, now, as a friend. As my friend, he was sensitive, patient, caring, anticipating, and enduring. Too many days in my wondering head, and nights in my cold bed, I fantasized about being beneaththisTobias. I’d be leaving tomorrow and had no idea when I’d see him again. It could be months. I wanted this. I wanted Tobias. With shaky fingers, I put the large box of condoms into the pocket of my housecoat.
On foot, back into the bathroom, I told myself there was still time to talk myself out of it. In the meantime, I needed to get this wild mane of mine under control. I went right into sectioning it off, beginning at the back, to detangle. It took a little more than twenty minutes, but I’d successfully, smoothly brushed it to the nape of my neck. The leave-in conditioner was another great call. As I gathered and secured it into a bun, my phone pinged of an alert. A specific alert. The sound was distinct, causing my stomach to churn. I clasped my bun with a hair claw then slowly reached for my phone.
The notification was from one of my credit card companies. Apparently, the authorized user had met its limit, and a purchase attempt was unsuccessful due to insufficient funds. Saliva thickened and soured in my mouth, both familiar responses to this recklessness. I fell into the vanity, feeling my pulse race.
“You couldn’t finish the program for once, Kelvin?” I whispered, scrubbing my face with my palm.
When I realized my breathing had turned deep and slow, I fell to my haunches. No. I wouldn’t allow this to happen. This was my escape, my refuge, my timeout.
One foot in front of the other…
Hang on till the next moment…
Soon, this will be a faded memory…
You won’t break…
You’re built to survive even this…
I was okay. Really, I was. Why I allowed something so small and common to affect me had to be because I’d done a good job of “leaving my cares behind.” Emotionally, I’d moved closer to my goal of putting myself first. But this uninvited reminder threatened the well-crafted bubble I’d put myself into this week.
Then my brain jumpstarted, and I brought my phone up to power it off. Otherwise, a barrage of calls would commence, and the ringing or vibrating wouldn’t end. As I pressed the button into the side of the phone, I heard hard steps. Within seconds, a hefty, bearded frame filled the bathroom doorjamb.
His thick brows were knitted, eyes ablaze with concern. “What’s going on?”
Without thinking, I vocally fumbled, “Had to detangle my hair. Burnout.”
With his head cocked to the side as Tobias closely examined me, he spat, “Bullshit. The fuck, Lennox?”
I jumped to my feet too fast. My bun shook, and housecoat lurched. Thanks to the weighted pocket, it opened at the front, exposing my naked cleavage and pubic bed. My eyes rolled from my body up to Tobias’ angry expression. Quietly, he sauntered into the bathroom. My pulse raced again, loud this time. He reached for my pocket and pulled out the box. After studying it, his eyes roved over to me.
“You trippin’ over this?”
No!
I mean…
Confused, and now, embarrassed, I tore my gaze away.
He croaked, voice thick, and somewhat standoffish, “I lit the fire in the den. Figured we could talk out there.” Tobias turned to leave. On his way out of the door, he mumbled, “I see now, I gotta keep you off of me.”
Curled into a ball, I struggled to breathe, laughing so hard.
“Word, yo! And she used to go in!” Tobias continued his recollection. “Oh, oh, oh, precious God!And may he have a good life by a good woman. Cover his body so he can fill Your earth with healthy, beautiful, babies, oh, God!” His head swayed left to right as he sing-songed under the glow created by the crackling flames. “Because remember, Pastor Williams could sing her fine ass off!” He snapped his fingers. “And what was the other fox’s name?”
“Deaconess Wright with the gray wig.”
We lay on a mountain of plush blankets Tobias had compiled. There were fluffy pillows around as we allowed our chatter to fill the air. Two mugs, once filled with steamy green, mint tea, were within arm’s reach of us both. The captured space was nice, intimate. It was like a cove carved for just the two of us.
