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But…
I don’t know.
It had been gradual, us drifting apart. We’d been all over each other and then we’d slowly stopped touching. The slowness had made it easier. Also, I had begun to feel really responsible for him, and I didn’t like seeing him so miserable away from his forests, and anyway, I was preoccupied with the changes in my body, which made me not all that interested in sex, so what did it matter?
Finally, I had to take a pregnancy test.
I glared at it, annoyed, even though I had known it was going to be positive.
What was I going to do?
Obviously, the intelligent thing to do was to terminate. It was the only thing that made sense.
I went and made a proper appointment to get a test and have some scans done, and they told me if I wanted to terminate, they could do it there, and it would be painless and quick and like it had never happened.
The resistance was partly built on the right of women to terminate pregnancies, because it was something the Toth had taken away. When all their women were dead and their species was dying out, the last thing the Toth wanted any pregnant woman to do was terminate.
The resistance had stepped in then, and many of the connections and avenues we used today were built on giving women the ability to end unwanted pregnancies, many of which had been forced upon them by Toth violence.
So.
I could do it.
To me, it wasn’t really a question about whether or not it was life growing inside me. I believed it was. But I also believed that there was a balance. I was important to the entire galaxy doing my work here for the resistance. I had the chance to save lives, many lives, people who were suffering. I had the chance to make theentire galaxya better place.
And if I sacrificed this tiny unformed life within me for that, well…?
Which was the better thing to do?
Which was more selfless?
Which was more moral?
I was keeping the baby, however.
I was choosing the baby over the whole galaxy.
I wanted it.
It didn’t make sense. The resistance was the most important thing to me, after all. But maybe… maybe it was the reason I’d allowed myself to believe that things could work with Holston in the first place.
They obviously couldn’t have. He and I had tried, but in the end, we were too different and we wanted different things. He had to go back to his planet, and I had to stay here.
But I guessed that I did want more. I wanted the baby. It wasn’t going to be easy juggling my job and a child, but I was going to do it.
And I wasn’t going to tell Holston.
Really, if I’d wanted him to know, I probably would have said something before he left.
I knew that wasn’t right. He deserved to know. It was not right to hide that from him, and I knew it.
But… he left.
He wanted to go back to Ohkk. He wanted to be a hunter and to be out in the wild again with the trees and the sky. He didn’t want the responsibility.
It was wrong to hide it from him.
Maybe I didn’t care.
