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“Pointless?” I breathed.
“So, I would think that I needed you, but that I couldn’t be with you, and then I’d feel like, no matter what I did, I’d be unhappy, and… so, I’d just want to shut that up, and I couldn’t shut it up, so I’d get drunk.” He shrugged. “It’s stupid.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I regarded him. “But you said you’re not drinking anymore, though, so… is it better now?”
He tilted his head. “You know, it is.” He rubbed his chin, considering. “I think it’s the baby.”
I put my hand to the curve of my belly. “The baby makes you feel as though things are less meaningless?”
“Yeah, something important to do,” he said. “Make sure I’m worthy of her, make sure I can be what she needs. It’s… focusing.”
I moved my hand to his shaggy forearm. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you.”
He looked deep into my eyes. “Maybe we’re just not those kinds of people, shei.”
“The kinds of people that love is enough for, you mean?” I said.
He nodded, looking away.
I put my hand back on my belly.
TWENTY-ONE
holston
The appointment was insane. I was awed by the sight of the holoprojection of my daughter growing inside Cypra. She was definitely half-donen. She had little itty bitty hooves and she was… wasbeautiful.
It made me feel somehow really small and really big all at the same time? Like I made that? She was half of me? Wow.
But also… how had Imadethat? How could I be afather?I wasn’t even remotely deserving of this tiny, perfect little being and I didn’t know if I could handle the responsibility of protecting her.
They gave me a holorecording of it, so I could pull it up on my bracelet and look at her. I could show her to other people.That’s my baby, right there.It was unbelievable.
I looked up from the holoprojection at one point, to look at Cypra, and she was looking at me, instead of at the baby. Our eyes met, and she held my gaze and gave me this silly sort of grin, and it… all the feelings I’d ever had for her rushed into me as if I was being engulfed in an avalanche from behind, and I had never loved anything the way I loved in that moment.
I loved her.
I loved the baby.
I loved all of us together.
And then—
Pain.
Right on the heels of that because of the situation.
So, when the appointment was over, I tried to get away, but Cypra got a message from the resistance person who was supposed to be her ride that they were having issues getting airborne and were stuck on another planet in the system.
She told me to go, saying that she’d be fine.
“How long do you think you’re going to be stuck here?” I said.
She shrugged. “Not sure. But if it becomes an issue, I can get a ticket on a public ship or something.”
“Well, where are you trying to get to?”
“Same place,” she said.
