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* * *
I waitin the living room, in front of the open fire, for Clare. I give Bishop that, he really did do well with designing these houses. I wouldnevertell the asshole that though. The whole lower level of my house has majority windows instead of walls. I like that because I don’t feel enclosed. Since my time in Russia, I hate being closed in, so knowing I can see out wherever I look has my anxiety easing. I have only discovered this week that I have PTSD and anxiety, which shouldn’t shock me but it does. Opal says that over time I will learn how to manage it. I drop onto the brown leather sofa and kick my feet up on the coffee table in front of me. I gaze out the window in front of me and smile, the night sky is lit up by stars.
I pull my phone from my pocket and scroll through my contacts until I find Vin’s number. I hit call and wait for him to answer.
“Rook?” he answers on the third ring.
“Yeah.” Silence ensues as we both sit here awkwardly waiting for the other to speak. I don’t know him really, so me calling him out of the blue must be as weird for him as it is for me.
“Is everything… okay?” A whoosh of air escapes me before I launch into asking him for a favor. He doesn’t hesitate to agree to help me and for that I am beyond fucking grateful. He and Car live in the house opposite mine, King is to their left and Gage to their right. Knight’s house is on my right and the house on my left is empty. It was supposed to go to Luka but I put my foot down and said no. Bishop agreed without argument. Luka can eat a bag of assholes for all I care. I don’t know what his deal is, but leaving Clare high and dry like he has, it’s really pissed me off. I end the call with Vin just as Clare saunters into the room. I like seeing her in the new clothes I bought her. She threw a fit about me spending money on her and that she isn’t a charity case but the truth is, she busts her ass daily at her job and doesn’t make enough to cover shit. I just wanted to do something nice for her. Once she cooled off, she thanked me and admitted that she hadn’t had new clothes in years. That pissed me off. I also just learned that she was her father’s primary caregiver while herbrotherwas here playing happy families with mine.
“You wanted to see me?” she asks as she drops down next to me. Mere days ago I would have launched away from her being this close but now, I crave her nearness. I love feeling her skin against mine and if the shivers that roll through her when I brush up against her are any signs to go by, she loves me touching her as well. I gaze down at her and hate that I can see blind trust in her gaze. She has no idea that I want to watch the life drain from her eyes while making sure no harm ever comes to her.
“Why did you do it?” I whisper. She doesn’t pretend to not know what I am asking. Her shoulders hunch forward and she drops her chin to her chest as she starts to fiddle with her fingers in her lap. “Answer me,” I push. She slowly turns her face to look up at me and I see tears brimming her eyes.
“I didn’t have a choice,” she says so low that I would have missed it if I wasn’t paying such close attention. Anger rushes through me at her answer. I stand and glare down my nose at her. She looks so tiny and broken sitting there but I don’t give a shit! I need to hear her reasoning behind why she ran and killed my fucking kid!
“That isn’t a fucking answer!” I shout. She flinches but I’m past the point of caring now. We have danced around the elephant in the room since she moved in, and it is high fucking time we addressed this issue! “Why the hell did you run from me and kill my fucking kid? You said you wanted the baby withme. I was ready to give you everything instead you broke my fucking heart!” I scream the last bit. Tears flow freely down her cheeks as she grips the hem of her shirt in a vice like grip. She climbs to her feet and yanks her shirt over her head, I glare at the little witch. “Trying to seduce me isn’t going to work. I’m fucking damaged, remember?” She pins me with a look that would have a lesser man trembling and backing down.
Clare
I stand here in front of the boy who I have loved since I was fifteen and hate that I see hatred in his gaze, when all I feel for him is love. If I tell him the truth about what happened to our baby, it is going to rock him to the core. I haven’t said anything out of fear of pushing him further into the dark abyss he has been hiding in. We may talk every day but never about him and what he went through at the hands of his brother’s enemy. I’ll admit I am green with envy that he sees and speaks to Opal every day. I know that is petty and such schoolgirl bullshit, but it’s how I feel.
“Put your fucking clothes on and stop acting like a hussy!” His words brand me with anger.
“The only person I have ever been ahussyfor is you! Unlike you, I didn’t get butt hurt and fuck my way through the cheer squad at my nice private school.”
“Nah, you just run away and murder babies.” Anger like I have never felt before courses through my veins. I don’t care if I trigger him, so I shove him backward and relish at the shocked look on his face. I pop the button on my jeans and peel the left side down so he can see the scar that his father left behind.
“You see that?” I don’t give him a chance to answer as I push on. “Your daddy found out about ourbastardas he put it and Tony-fucking-Murdoch made sure that I never had an option of ifmyfucking baby lived! For years you have sat atop your high horse and looked down your nose at me. The truth is your father hunted me down like a dog and stabbed me, then he and another one of his men took turns beating my ass to make sure the baby was well and truly dead. There you go, baby Murdoch, that’s the truth.” Rook is pale and looks like he has seen a ghost but I don’t care. I fight past the lump in my throat and brush away the tears as I continue. “The next time you stand there and say I killedmybaby, I will gut you like a fucking pig! I ran from you because Tony said he wouldn’t kill me but he would kill you if I stayed!” I don’t wait around for his reply, I run from the living room and race up the stairs to the safety of my room.
* * *
I’ve been curledup on my bed for over an hour crying with Bob clutched against my chest. Bob has been licking my tears and trying his best to comfort me. Unfortunately for him, the one person who I want to comfort me right now is the person who put me in this state. I never wanted to explode at him the way I did but the truth is, it was like a veil came over me and an ugly monster took control. I bury my face in the pillow to try to muffle the sounds of my sobs. I’ve heard him come upstairs a couple times and pace outside my room before retreating back down the stairs. I hate that I don’t work tomorrow and will be stuck at home with him all day. That’s fine though, I plan on staying in my room all day and avoiding him like he is Covid-19!
I’m roused awake by the feeling of the bed dipping. I slowly blink my eyes open and swallow back the scream that wants to break free when I see a figure on the side of my bed. I know without even having to see him that it’s Rook. It’s crazy, but it’s like my body always knows when he is near. I want to fake that I’m still asleep but I also know that him coming in here must have taken a lot of effort on his part. So, I shuffle back and rest against the headboard, trying not to disturb Bob who sleeps soundly on the other side of the bed. I reach for the bedside lamp but his words stop me.
“Leave it… please.” I only listen because he saidplease. I can make out the outline of him in the darkness and even when I’m so angry with him, I hate that my heart still aches with the need to wipe away his worries and fears. “The night I took Koby to the docks…” the air lodges in my lungs, he’s about to tell me his story! “It was only to scare her. I just wanted her to admit that she was a plant and playing my brother. Knight and I may be identical but we are polar opposites. He hid in the shadows while I danced in the limelight and buried my pain beneath humor and jokes. Knight was coming out of the darkness and I hated that it was because of a girl and not…me.”
I remain silent not wanting to ask why in case he stops talking. I want–no—need to hear his story. “I pretended to be Knight when I picked her up. No one can tell us apart, aside from our family and now the girls. She knocked me on my ass when she figured it out quicker than I thought she would. As soon as I pulled up to the docks, I knew something wasn’t right. I could just feel it, ya know?” I nod my head agreeing with him, not sure if he can even see my reaction. “We got pinned down when the Russian’s spotted us. It was in that moment when they fired round after round at us that I knew Koby was telling the truth.” He begins to clam up so I take a risk and reach out to grab one of his hands and hold it in mine, offering my support.
“If this is too much, you don’t have to tell me, Rook.” He squeezes my hand and I see him shake his head in the darkness.
“I need to tell…you. Opal knows some of it but not all. I can’t go to my brothers or the girls with any of this so, please, just—”
“I’ll listen to everything you have to say but just know, no matter what you tell me, I’ll still be here and not look at you any different, I swear.” My words seem to reassure him enough for him to continue.
“I didn’t hesitate when Ivan called out to Koby. I knew it would kill Knight if something happened to her, so I took the shots for her. I expected to die that night on the docks and sometimes I wish I did.” I gasp hating that he feels this way. “I don’t remember what happened after the explosion went off. All I recall is waking up in some room, strapped to a bed with IV lines poking out of me and hearing a constant beeping sound. The Russian’s saved me but they didn’t do it because they cared. Ivan made sure I had the best surgeons but I was never given any pain relief after the surgery. The pain was excruciating. My dumb ass thought that would be the worst of it, how fucking wrong was I.”
I can hear the bitterness that coats his words but I can also hear the hatred in his tone. It just shocks the hell out of me when I realize the hatred is directed at himself and not the monster that hurt him!
“While I was strapped to the bed, writhing in pain, Ivan started his… game. He saidI don’t want you to get bored, so, I’m here to keep youhappy! I wish I never found out what his version of happiness was.” The anguish in his voice spears me right in the heart. I can feel myself growing tense as I wait for the worst of the story. “I couldn’t move—my hands, feet, torso and thighs were strapped to a make-shift hospital bed. It started out with him just running his hands along my arms and legs then… t-then he moved onto stroking me. I hated myself so fucking much.”
“Why?” I ask when he doesn’t continue for a minute. I know what he is about to say but I know he needs to be the one to say it.
“Because I got hard.” He spits the words out like they burn his tongue. “I fucking came in his hand and there wasn’t a fucking thing that I could do about it!” He yanks his hand from mine and stands. He paces the room muttering beneath his breath, so low I can’t make out the words. Bob stirs beside me and I quickly pat him so he’ll fall back asleep or else he will pee in my room if I don’t take him right away to the bathroom. “I got hard when he sucked me off as well and like the bitch that I am, I fucking came down his throat hating myself even fucking more for being so weak.”
“You’re not weak! Anyone in your position would have done the same thing, you were a prisoner–”
