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I let her continue to stroke my hair like she did when we were little and felt poorly in bed.
Since being back here, it’s become a stark realisation that I’ve pushed everyone I love away and kept them at a distance, for better or worse, believing that I’d be weak for opening myself up to vulnerability or hurt in the future. But as my failed marriage has proven, there’s more than one way to be hurt.
“Thank you, Mum.” I pat her hand, tapping out of the hug and comfort, and brush my tears away. The chair scrapes over the floor as I stand, jarring the quiet moment between us. “Mum?” I stop before leaving. “I’m sorry I make it hard to love me sometimes. I don’t mean to. It’s just-”
“I know, Zennor. You deal with things in your own way. You isolate. But we’re here for you.”
“Thank you. I love you.” I push past the emotion and realise that despite how I might feel right now, I’ve got plenty to be grateful for.
I’ve cried more since being back here than I have in the last twenty years, and my instinct is to run away from what’s causing the tears rather than embrace them, and this time is no different.
I leave the kitchen, the coffee barely touched, and bolt for the front door to get some fresh air.
Avoiding the surf shop, I take the long way round to the beach and stride out along the sands. The spring weather is kind today, and the sun has already warmed up to the day. It feels like a lifetime ago that I walked the beach the day after returning. Bitterness consumed me then. But even though it was a risk to be back here, I still came.
The thought lingers as I catch up to the water still retreating for low tide. My steps follow the push and pull of the waves as they roll in, keeping to the wet sand. There are too many big things to take up my thoughts if I let them, and this simple game is a pleasant distraction, even if I know I’m only buying myself time.
When I reach the other side of the beach, I stand and look back at Tregethworth.
People are dotted over the beach, going about their business, enjoying the sun.
Multi-coloured windbreaks and the occasional tent scatter the view as people make camp.
Could I live here? Could I make this a home and be happy? Truly happy?
That was the question I was afraid of because I didn’t know the answer. And so far, being back has only brought me pain, but that’s out now, unlocked and shared with the person I aimed all of my hate at.
I look at Molly’s on the edge of the beach and think back to the words she shared with me. Maybe now is a time to heal and close the wounds I’ve carried all this time once and for all?
The question drags my mood down, so I beat a quick pace towards Molly’s. The least I can do is have a proper cup of coffee to help me through my little heart-to-heart.
The one day I don’t want to see Molly, she’s the one standing behind the counter.
“Hey. A large cup of your finest, please,” I order and take in the busy mid-morning crowd.
“To go?” Molly gives me a pointed look.
“Please.”
“You look like you have the weight of the world on your back.”
“Well, in a way, I do. The weight of my world, at least. Caffeine is my saviour.”
She nods and works the machine that produces the best coffee in town.
“Anything else?”
“Actually, can you make it two coffees?”
“Girl, your problems aren’t that big.” She turns around to scold.
“I have someone I think would appreciate the gesture. And I want to test a theory.”
I’ve been fighting Jayce ever since he walked into the pub and blindsided me. He didn’t see my plan right away, and even despite my horrid behaviour, he’s not given up on me.
Maybe it was time for us to re-do the conversations we’ve had without my focus being on hurting him. Now everything is out in the open, it’s worth a try. Seeing the pain I caused him shifted something inside of me. Maybe it unlocked that little part of my heart that still belonged to him, despite my every effort to move on.
And if I can have a civil conversation with him without wanting to scream and fight, maybe I can build on that and find a way to stay here and make a go of things. The thought of moving and starting from scratch in a different city feels overwhelming. More so than the fear of being stuck in a place I thought I hated.
