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He didn't answer, seeming unsure.
"Me. The problem wasn't the alcohol or this stick that has a bunch of pretty chemicals in it to help me ignore the problems in my life. The real issue was how I perceived the world around me. I used cigarettes to determine if I was happy or frightened. I used vodka to help me forget that my family didn't love me and that my boyfriend loved my body more than he loved the person inside. I used a substance to define my happiness. My downfall was not pointing to the main culprit...which was me."
I took a final puff and reached out to the little ashtray that was built into the pillar of the balcony.
"Every balcony has one of these built in here. It doesn't matter where you go in Nokamato. There's always one because so many people here smoke. Whether it's to fit in or as a way to help solve our problems. An addiction we need to help us get by, even if most of us know how dangerous it is for our bodies. Alcohol is the same. And there are some people who use sex to help them cope. Others use money to fill the loneliness in their hearts."
I sighed and looked out at the nighttime view of Homatomashi beyond the palace walls.
"Your worst enemy is yourself and until you acknowledge that, you'll be stuck in a cascade of uncertainty, fearing you'll skip and return to the person you once were. Now that I’ve smoked again, am I afraid I'll go back to being the lonely human girl who begged for love and a place to belong? A little bit," I confessed, blinking my eyes.
"But the bigger part of me, the stronger part of me, knows I won't. Even when times are hard or I doubt myself, I know that an object does not define me."
I moved forward till we were face to face, lifting my hand to brush against his tear-stained cheek. "I didn't know you then, but I want you to know that you shouldn't be ashamed of your past. It's what's crafted you into the strong and kind-hearted person you are, right to this very moment. Even though it may not feel that way to you, that's what I see. A strong, compassionate man who wants to protect the people he loves but is afraid he won't be enough. You are enough, Quillian Reid. You're enough for me...for the guys...for this country," I declared, allowing a tear to roll down my cheek.
"What Storm did was wrong. I'm sorry that you began to question your strength because of her. I know I wasn’t in control, but that doesn't mean I'm not contributing to such reactions you’re experiencing. Thank you...for fighting for me. Even though it hurt and rekindled dark memories," I whispered.
I let out a nervous laugh and lowered my hand.
"I'd kiss you, but I don't want to remind you of those days. Let me go wa-"
He reached out and slid an arm around my waist, pulling me into him and claiming my lips with his. My eyes grew wide as our eyes locked.
I watched in amazement as his shifted from blue to dark pink, with hints of gold and purple.
I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist while my tails unhooked themselves and began to move from side to side.
We kissed and kissed, each moment feeling more amazing than the last, until we were both breathless.
"Quillian," I spoke quietly, unsure what else to say.
He smiled at me and breathed deeply.
"I used cigarettes and alcohol to help me forget my failures. Whether it was failing Storm on a mission, or simply feeling like I wasn't good enough in comparison to the others. It was also a way to calm my anger, or so I thought. It kinda did the opposite, but I didn't realize it until I punched Malachi in the face for pointing out exactly what you just said."
"He woke me up and told me a bit of what happened while I was asleep," I admitted.
He grinned and nodded.
"Ya. Malachi's the type who acts like he doesn't see everything that goes on when he really does. He uses humor, and people don't take him seriously because of it. But that's his way to see exactly what the problem is, whether in an individual or the group dynamic. I hated his guts for it, but when Storm died...I...tried to drink my sorrow away and got so drunk that I could barely move. I had just enough strength to light a cigarette but knocked some whiskey over onto the table. He found me right before the cigarette in my mouth fell into the pool of whiskey. Well, I guess you can say I avoided getting some serious burns to my face thanks to him."
Quillian pulled me into a hug and rested his chin on my shoulder.
"I'm not upset with either of you. I'm upset with myself and about how Storm's essence still thinks she has control over me and the others. I...I vowed to never disobey her. To always help her achieve her goals for the sake of peace."
He rubbed my back soothingly and took a few calming breaths before continuing.
"So when I'm in a situation where I have to decline her, I freeze up. Not because of her essence. Not because of Storm herself, because I know she's dead. I know she's gone from this land. No, it’s because I hear it coming from you, Crimson. I opened my heart to try again...to try and love once more. It's just so difficult when I hear your voice...that pleading tone and those beautiful turquoise eyes staring into me, and I have to deny you because it's not really you. It's someone else who we now realize will do anything to get her way, without caring that such a thing would hurt all of us."
"I'm sorry. I make it difficult," I whispered.
"No, Crimson. You can't apologize for something you can't control. Any time you become weakened, she takes advantage of the opportunity. We just have to be smarter. Malachi told her to vanish and she pulled back, but maybe we should get you a temporary talisman. That should help," he suggested.
"Where would we get something like that?" I asked.
"We're going to the east village, the ones on the hillsides of Homatomashi. It's one of the places that has reported a decline in the human population, so I wanted to check it out and see what's going on. They should sell talismans there."
"Can I come?'
