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“Yeah, you guys are poly, after all. So, what’s the problem?”
“It’s not that simple.” My eyes held Jamie’s for a moment before understanding washed over his face.
“Danielle, I think this is where we should call it a night. It’s been a long day,” Jamie stated, standing and leading my best friend to the back door.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay Sadie Lady?” Danielle’s kind and supportive tone soothed me, if only for a moment.
“Sounds good.” She left quietly, leaving just Jamie and me there in the dining room in a moment of silence.
“Are you going to open up about this, or do I need to pry it out of you?” he asked quietly.
“Why do we need to talk about it? There’s nothing to say.”
“There are so many things to say, my love. I know I’ve said it before, but please hear me this time: you cannot keep hiding from your trauma. Please think about talking to someone. Me, or Pam, or maybe a therapist? Or just… just someone. I love you, and I hate to see you in this kind of pain. You deserve healing, and you deserve happiness.”
“Can we please not do this right now? I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.” I knew I was shutting him down, but couldn’t find the energy to have this conversation right now. And I certainly didn’t have the energy to face all of…that.
“That’s fine, Sadie, but about Thatcher; we both know what happens when feelings are kept locked up.” This time, his tonewasjudgmental.
“What do you want me to say, Jamie? The man is attractive. But I don’t have time for all that.” I leaned my forehead against my hand, toying with the rim of the gin cocktail absentmindedly.
“Time for all of what, exactly? A new submissive? Or a relationship? What about both?”
“Who saidanythingabout a relationship?” I said with a huffed, sarcastic laugh.
“And why would a relationship be so bad?”
“I just met the man. Why would I even entertain the idea of a relationship?”
“Maybe because you never have.” His words were firm as he sat back down beside me.
“That’s not true. I have three wonderful submissives.” I gave him a slightly patronizing smile, which he only took in stride. That was Jamie’s way. Selfless and caring to a fault, letting nothing rattle him, even my sharp tongue.
“You have three submissives, and you are in a relationship with exactly none of them.” His correction was true, but I didn’t care.
“I don’t need a relationship. I have you,” I said, reaching for his hand across the bit of table that separated us.
“Yes, and you will always have me, sweetheart. But we are polyamorous for a reason. We both decided it was best for us.”
“And I still feel that way.”
“Then why not go for it?” He smiled at me, but I didn’t want to hear his words. “Listen, I’m not telling you to fall into a deep and committed relationship with him. I’m saying just loosen up a little. You have the time, and we both know it. Just let go a little, and see what might come of it. You never know, it could surprise you. It sure did for me.”
“Jamie, you aren’t with anyone other than me. So why should this be any different?” My words came out harsher than I had intended, but nevertheless, they were there, spoken aloud and unable to take back.
“Aaron and I only broke up a few months ago, Sadie. We were together for three years before that. I’m not quite ready to get back into the dating scene. You, on the other hand, never even dipped a toe in.”
“Yes, I did. I have had several submissives over the years and that is just as fulfilling,” I said, countering his argument.
“If that’s how you truly feel, then I accept that. But, Sadie, I don’t think it is true. I think you want more, but you’re afraid to go for it.” Jamie’s comment hit me like a Mack truck, but instead of doing the right thing and talking it out, I chose the path of least resistance: anger.
“You’re not in my head, Jamie. I don’t need more than what I already have,” I said, pushing back from my chair and stalking past him on the way to our room. I only made it a few steps when he stopped me, grabbing my upper arm gently and forcing me to look at him.
“But you do, Sadie. You’re just afraid.”
“I’m afraid of nothing,” I said with narrowed eyes.
“You’re afraid of so much, Sadie, and it’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid, and it’s okay to want more. I will not leave. You know I’m not like those other men. I feel like I’ve proven that over the years.” Jamie pleaded with me, his eyes filled only with compassion and care, even in the face of my angry display of attitude.
