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“Jamie, I’m serious. I only need you. I love our life. And I love being poly with you. But I’m happy with what I have.” I sighed heavily, wanting him to hear me; wanting this conversation to be over. I just didn’t have the energy.
“I hear you, Sadie. I truly do. But I also hope you know it doesn’thaveto be that way. Opening yourself up to not just be with another person sexually, but to open your heart to them, is hands down one of the scariest things a person can do. You open yourself up to hurt and regret and loss.”
“I know that. I watched you go through it with Aaron,” I said gently, my hand finding his and our fingers interlocking.
“Oh, Sadie love.” His hand dropped mine, his arms wrapping around me as he pulled me close, his cheek resting on the top of my head. He wasn’t much taller than me, but it was enough. “You only saw one part of that. Yes, I felt loss and hurt when Aaron and I ended things, but you’re forgetting about all the good things.”
“What good is there in breaking up? In losing someone?” I said with a short scoff. My arms wrapped around his waist, nuzzling into his neck and taking the comfort he offered.
“You’re forgetting the three years of love, companionship, and fulfillment I had before the break. And Aaron and I didn’t break up on bad terms. He moved. And not just a short distance. He moved to fucking Australia. That just isn’t feasible, and we wanted happiness for each other. It was sad, yes, but it wasn’t bad. But the point here is that even if it were bad, it doesn’t negate all the good that also comes with it. Love is a risk. And it’s a risk worth taking.” Jamie’s gentle and profound words settled over me heavily.
“I hear you, Jamie. I do. But can we drop this for tonight? I love my life, and I just want to love you right now.” My words were an unmistakable plea. I could feel his smile against the top of my head as he nodded.
“Yes. Why don’t you go take a long, hot shower, and we can spend some time together, just the two of us? And I promise, there will be no more talks of new romantic partners, and no more talk of Septus. Seriously cool name, though, I have to admit.”
I rolled my eyes and headed off towards our bedroom. A night of peace and quiet with Jamie was just what I needed. No nosy best friends, no role to fill, and, most importantly, no smarmy submissive men who I couldn’t seem to get my mind off of.
I showered slowly, languidly, as the heat of the water seeped into my muscles and relaxed at least some of the tension I was carrying. Jamie’s words came back to me, crashing into me unbidden and making tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I didn’t know what it was about this man, this new neighbor, but he had my head all out of sorts, questioning everything. And for what? For no reason at all. We hadn’t spoken nearly a single kind word to one another, hadn’t planned a scene, or a date, or anything. So why was he turning my stomach into knots? It was as baffling as it was infuriating.
This was not how my life worked. Separate boxes. That’s how things had to be, for this very reason. When those boxes weren’t kept orderly and separate, shit hit the fan. Every time. Without exception. I shook the thoughts and feelings away from me, literally shaking my arms at my sides before turning the water off. I opened the shower door to see Jamie standing there, a smile on his handsome face and a towel outstretched in his hands, open for me to step into.
“Oh, it’s warm!” I sighed contently as he wrapped the fluffy terry cloth around my body.
“I thought you deserved a little pampering, sweetheart.” Without another word, he dried me off, taking special care with his diligence. He placed soft kisses over my skin, making me smile with contentment. It wasn’t a sexual thing. It rarely was with Jamie. But it was something deeper, something more true than I had ever known with another person in this world. With him, I didn’t have to perform. I didn’t have to live up to expectations. I could just be with him, with no assumptions. Our love was not transactional. It never had been, even in the early days.
“Come, love,” he said gently, taking my bathrobe from the hook on the wall and helping me into the soft silk. I tied the sash around my waist, and we made our way back into the bedroom. Jamie had bought me a beautiful vintage vanity years ago, and it had become a part of our ritual. I sat on the pedestal stool and looked at my reflection in the mirror.
He brushed my hair gently, combing through every tangle in my long tresses with a skilled and practiced ease born of years of ritual between the two of us. I simply watched in the mirror’s reflection, taking in the breathtaking sight of him as he focused on his work, a look of love etched over his features.
When he finished, he turned me in my seat, taking the jar of face cream that sat in a beautiful crystal jar on the vanity top. He smoothed the cream over my face, pampering me just as he had said he would do. Just as he had done most nights for the last several years.
He pulled a blow dryer from the bottom drawer, plugging it in as he set to work on my hair. It didn’t do well to go to sleep with wet hair. It was a long process, with my hair falling most of the way down my back, but he was tireless in these acts. This was intimacy for us. It went beyond sex, beyond companionship. It was love in its purest form. And that was why I didn’t wish to seek other real romantic relationships. Why would I, when I had Jamie?
Once my hair was only barely damp, he pulled the basket of rollers to the edge of the vanity top and began setting my curls. It was a tedious process to do on one’s own, but Jamie enjoyed giving care in this way, and I was happy to let him. With the large curlers placed, he stretched the silk bonnet over my head and helped me to my feet.
“This is what I love about us,” he said with a deeply contented sigh, laying back against the pillows in our bed. I curled into his side, nuzzling my head against his chest until I could hear the rhythmic pound of his heartbeat. It soothed me, putting me at peace in a way very few things did.
“Can I have arm tickles?” I asked quietly. This was a space I didn’t have to be in charge of. It was a space in which I could relax and let my guard down, taking off all the hats I wore in my day-to-day life, both as Sadie and as Lady Luxe.
As his fingers gently ran up and down the length of my arm, I felt the tears from earlier prick at my eyes once more. I was emotional, and letting go in Jamie’s arms was a surefire way to get me to crumble in the best of ways.
“Are you upset at my words, or is this a delayed Dom drop?” he asked sincerely, pausing only for a moment in his circular rotation of swirl patterns on my arm.
“Probably a little of both, but also neither. All at the same time,” I whispered. My hand clenched at the fabric of his pajamas, wanting to anchor myself in his love, in his presence, in his utter acceptance of me as I was.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, sweetheart,” he whispered against the top of my head.
“I know you didn’t. I am just happy with the way things are. Why change them?” It was a noncommittal response, at best.
“I just hope that you aren’t settling for a simply happy life, if it means you’re closing yourself off to the chance at an epic, ecstatic one.”
“I tell you what. I’ll do my best to make peace with Septus, and I’ll keep myself open to the opportunity for a new play partner. How’s that?”
“It’s a start. Please, just promise me you’ll keep yourself open to the opportunity for more than just a play partner. I want to see you happy. I want to see you love to your fullest capacity.”
“Okay, Jamie. I hear you. I’ll keep myself open,” I answered with a sigh. “Now let’s put all of that aside and watch an episode of some stupid tv drama. I need to clear my head.”
“That sounds perfect, my love. Absolutely perfect.”
