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“So, what’s this all about?” he asked, looking back and forth between Jamie and me. I sat down next to my husband, taking his hand, needing the support. Silence filled the room as I struggled to find the words to answer his simple question.
“Well, I want to talk. I want to say yes to you, to this.” I gestured between us. “But in order to do that, I need to explain some things.”
“Okay. I’m listening.” His shoulders released by the slightest amount. I took a deep, shuddering breath, wishing my stomach wasn’t twisted into knots.
“This isn’t easy for Sadie to talk about. Is it alright with you if I stay?” Jamie added gently.
“I mean, if that’s what Sadie needs.” Thatcher shrugged noncommittally.
“You have a say here, too.” Jamie reminded him.
“I’m okay with it, really.” Thatcher replied.
“Okay. Thatcher… I want this with you. I want you. As my submissive and as a partner, if you are still interested, and I know that’s a big if.”
“You said you needed to explain things for that to be possible?”
“Yes. Jamie and I have been polyamorous for a long time. But I’ve not once crossed the line into another romantic relationship. Not once.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve only actually been in a relationship with two people in my entire life. Romantically, that is. I’ve had submissives, and it’s been wonderful. It has fulfilled a part of me I need. Romantically, I just have never been able to do it.”
“You mentioned before that you opened yourself up to that once before, that you learned a lesson.” Thatcher leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs, and his chin resting on his interlaced fingers.
“That’s right. I had one relationship before Jamie. One that ended badly,” I explained.
“Badly is an understatement.” Jamie scoffed derisively. I shot him a look, though he wasn’t wrong.
“I swore, in the aftermath of that trauma, that I would never trust anyone that way again. Then I met Jamie. He was different.”
“Different how? Not to put you on the spot, Jamie,” Thatcher added.
“No, it’s fine. I’m ace. I didn’t know it when Sadie and I got together towards the end of college, but love looks different to me. We grew together in a way that was easy and right for me, and it was safe for Sadie.” I was grateful for Jamie’s input, speaking truth to the experience that I couldn’t seem to articulate well.
“I had no idea,” Thatcher said.
“Most people don’t, and I’m okay with that. Sadie and I are happy, but crossing the line into a romantic relationship has brought up trauma for Sadie. Trauma she hasn’t really processed.” I shot him another look, but he only shrugged. “Sadie, we both know that’s true.”
“And that trauma is what led you to behave the way you did?” Thatcher asked.
“Yes. But I don’t want to let it rule me any longer. Idowant this, Thatcher. But to do that means I need to be real about what happened to me. And if you’re willing, I’d like to tell you.”
“Are you sure you are okay to do that?” Thatcher’s brows furrowed together, concern written on his face.
“Yes, I’m sure. It’s not easy. But trauma never is.”
“Okay. Then I’m here to listen. And, Sadie? I’m here for you. I mean that.” He gave me a small smile of reassurance that I didn’t deserve. Not after my behavior.
“Are you sure? After how horrible I’ve been?” I chewed on my lower lip nervously, my hands picking at the skirt of my dress until Jamie took them in his to still my movements.
“Beyond sure.”
“Okay. Here goes nothing.” I sighed heavily.
“You’ve got this, love,” Jamie said reassuringly, squeezing my hands in his.
“I grew up in Ohio, in a suburb of a larger city that doesn’t matter. My parents had nothing. Nothing but their addictions, their toxic love for one another, and their mutual hatred of me. The child they were saddled with but never wanted.” I began my story, hands shaking and voice small.
