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“They sound awful,” Thatcher said.
“They are.” Jamie readily agreed.
“I focused hard in school, wanting education to be my ticket out. And I was doing well. Until I met Jake. He was everything. Popular, a jock, and so handsome. I couldn’t believe he was interested in someone like me. We started dating freshman year, and I was just head over heels for him. Even though he was popular from the second we entered high school, I never joined his ranks, even when we started dating.”
I stopped, taking a moment to catch my breath as the memories flooded to the surface. Jamie handed me his glass of bourbon, which I took gratefully, taking a long sip and reveling in the burn that matched the sting of memories long left buried.
“Everything was perfect. We dated for three years, until partway through my senior year. Then it ended.” I took another deep breath.
“And it didn’t end well, I take it,” Thatcher said.
“No. It did not end well. Part way through my senior year, I discovered I was pregnant.” I felt my chest tighten, the painful thumping of my beating heart threatening to break ribs, cracking my sternum as the truth forced its way out without reticence.
“I thought you couldn’t have children,” Thatcher questioned. I understood his confusion, but the pain inside of me felt near crippling as the words refused to leave my lips.
“She can’t have children now,” Jamie answered for me. I squeezed his hands, steeling myself.
“When I told Jake about my pregnancy, he didn’t take it well. He blamed me for not taking enough care, for being a stupid, careless slut. Then he refused to take accountability, claiming it had to be someone else’s. He pushed me away without remorse. Over three years together, and he had me completely fooled. He accused me, first, of lying to him, of using it as a ploy to keep him from joining the ranks of the NFL. He was already being scouted by the draft at that point. When I showed him the pregnancy test, he accused me of sleeping around him. A few days later, he was gone.”
“Gone?”
“Gone. He and his parents left, allowing him to focus on training while he got his GED instead of finishing high school.” I scoffed disparagingly. “Not that it served him any good. He injured himself during the draft and never played again, to my knowledge.”
“I’m so sorry, Sadie.” Thatcher reached out a hand, but I pulled away.
“I’m not finished.” His hand pulled away, his fingers clasping once again. “After Jake vanished, I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. So, I came clean to my parents.”
My eyes focused on my hands in my lap, wrapped in Jamie’s firm grasp. Even that didn’t help. Not now. Not with this.
“I told my parents about my pregnancy and… to say they took it badly would be an understatement.” I pulled my hands away from Jamie, moving away from him on the couch. I needed space. The air in the room became thin as panic settled in. But I was determined to speak this truth. The truth I had only said aloud once — to Jamie — all those years ago.
“They were furious. They scolded me, screamed at me, and took their rage out on me violently.”
“What do you mean, violently?” Thatcher’s voice turned deep and dark, anger filling his words at the very thought of such a thing.
“Just what you think I mean. My parents were never good with words. They preferred to communicate with their fists. Or belts. Or anything within reach, really.”
“Sadie.” The pity in his voice threatened to break me right at the seams.
“They hit me, beat me, took their rage out on me for my stupidity. In the end, I needed help. I lay battered and beaten on the floor, pregnant, with nowhere to turn. As I lay there, ears ringing from the hits to my head, they discussed what to do with me, with mysituation. They couldn’t take me to a doctor for help. They had no insurance, and even if they did, how could they take me anywhere? I was bruised up and bloodied. They’d be turned in. So, they did what they felt they had to do.” My voice broke with a sob I couldn’t hold back. I gasped for air as the corners of my vision turned blurry. I was no longer sitting there in the safety of my home with Jamie. I was right back there, on that dirty linoleum floor covered in crumbs, dust, dirt, and debris, blood dripping from me as I struggled to hear my parents’ words.
“Baby, I’m here.” Jamie’s voice pulled through the ringing of past voices, his arms pulling me into his embrace, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Not until this was all out.
“No, Jamie. Let me finish. I have to finish.” I gasped out the words, pushing him away. My hands fisted so tightly my nails dug into the softness of my palms. The pain helped. It helped. I clenched tighter until that pain turned from burning to biting.
“Okay, love. Okay.” I knew he wanted to go to me, to wrap me up and protect me from my own demons, but that wasn’t his job. It was my job to save myself. And I was only just realizing that.
“They had been burdened by one child they did not want. They weren’t about to be saddled with my baby. So… they removed the issue themselves.” My face screwed up as bile burned my throat, turning my voice hoarse.
“They removed the — Jesus fucking Christ.” Thatcher sounded like he was going to be sick, or perhaps like he was going to hit something himself. I couldn’t tell. But it didn’t matter. The story was flowing from my lips and I could not stop now.
“As I lay there, half dazed and completely broken, they took the last of myself from me. They used a metal coat hanger from the closet and — took care of it.” I swallowed down the bile and forced myself to keep going. My nails dug into my hands to the point that skin broke. Every part of my body was stiff and tense with the force it took to utter the last of the deepest secret of my life, the darkest moment of my past. “They left me there after that. I don’t know how much time passed, but the next thing I remembered was the neighbor coming over to check on me. Something she did from time to time. I remember her scream as she saw me there on the kitchen floor. Blood covered the floor. I remember that much. I was cold, but I remember the sticky feel of it around my legs.”
“Jesus, Sadie.” Thatcher’s voice choked on a sob of his own, but it barely pierced my consciousness as the story unfolded, playing over in my mind like a movie.
“She called an ambulance, and I was transported to the hospital. I had lost a lot of blood, and was rushed into surgery. I don’t remember much after that, to be honest. Vague whisperings of being unable to reach my parents, and talk of the botched abortion, resulting in me losing so much at such a young age. It was a few days before I was alert enough to really hear what they were saying. The damage had been severe. They had to perform a hysterectomy. Even then, they barely stopped the hemorrhaging. I didn’t find out until after that my parents had come back sometime after the ordeal and, while I was unconscious, had packed their bags and fled. It didn’t matter in the end. I was eighteen, and an adult.”
“You were achild, Sadie. Still in high school.” I looked up to see Thatcher’s eyes filled with tears, tracks of them streaked down his cheeks, as his shoulders nearly vibrated with sobs he only just held back.
