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We talk about Wyatt, and I admit my nerves over taking on Zoe’s care and how important it is to me that I don’t fuck it up. They offer me some encouragement, and then Ryan asks about any recent developments in my brother’s case. I end up telling them everything, including what’s going on with Bianca. They sit with it for a long time before Kieran tells me how sorry he is that this is happening.
After that, there seems to be a lingering silence, and we’re all fucking tired, so we decide to call it a night. But before we do, Kieran hangs back as I turn off the lights and lock up the house. He tells me he’d like to crash here for a while with me if I’m okay with it, and I don’t know if it’s for his benefit or mine. But either way, I’m glad he’s here.
Chapter 76
Madden
—PAST—
“Dude, wake the fuck up.” Something jabs me in the side, and I open my bleary eyes to Kieran’s face glaring down at mine. His eyes cut to Lilith where she passed out on the couch, and he doesn’t try to hide his irritation.
We’re three and a half months into our second tour, and he made it known he was sick of my shit by week one. When Lilith’s first album had less than stellar sales, the label decided not to extend her contract. She’s been following us around like a bad rash ever since, telling everyone including the media that she’s my girlfriend. Nothing could be further from the truth. I still haven’t touched her, despite her throwing herself at me at every opportunity. I let her hang around because she keeps me in a steady supply of the mind-numbing poison I need just to exist. It also doesn’t hurt that she pisses Bianca the fuck off, and as long as she’s between us, I can pretend I don’t give a shit anymore.
But while Bianca might buy the bullshit I’m selling, the band is a different story. The schedule has been grueling, and everyone is exhausted and on edge. We’ve all been at each other’s throats, but Kieran’s been on my ass overtime lately. He wants Lilith gone, and I’m over fighting with him every goddamned day.
“What’s with this shit?” He grabs the unmarked bottle of pills from the nightstand. “I thought you said you were handling it.”
“I am.” I sit up and rub my eyes. “Why are you always on my case?”
“Because you’re spiraling. Do you even know what time it is? What day it is? Fuck, I’ll be gracious and just ask you the month. Tell me that much.”
“I always show up, don’t I?” I toss the covers aside and walk to the sink at the wet bar, splashing cold water on my face.
“You show up because I come wake your ass up and throw you on stage to perform at half of your capacity.”
“I don’t see any complaints.” I walk back to the coffee table where I left my phone last night and pull up the latest posts on our fan page, scrolling through them to prove my point. “Fucking legendary. A god on stage. Vocals to die for. Funny, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one bitching about my act. I’m the trained monkey, doing exactly what I’m told. We have the world’s approval. The crowd is chanting our name. They’re salivating for more tours. More albums. What else do you want from me?”
Kieran sighs. “I thought this was what you wanted.”
“It is.” I grab my tee shirt and yank it over my head.
“Then why the fuck are you trying to throw it away?”
I collapse onto a chair and lean into my elbows, shaking my head. I can’t bring myself to admit that he’s right. I’ve been on a warpath with myself since we exploded into the industry. I know I’m supposed to be amped. I’m supposed to be fucking happy, but I’m just not. I never am. It doesn’t matter how many pills I take, or how much booze I drown myself with. I’m numb, and I’m fucked up at the same time, and at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I even deserve to be here.
Kieran comes to sit beside me. “I know the pressure is a lot. It’s intense. I get it. But if this isn’t what you want, tell me now.”
“It is,” I insist, but it sounds like a lie even to myself. “It’s just different singing to a sold-out stadium every night, day after fucking day. I’m tired. I’m irritated. And sometimes I just think it was easier when it was the three of us at the hospital doing it because it was something to pass the time.”
Kieran lets those thoughts settle, and then he reaches out to touch my shoulder. “I’m worried about you, Madden. If you can’t do this sober, then let’s not do it at all. It’s not worth your life.”
