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“Don’t have one.”
“So you’re just going to ignore it and hope it goes away?”
“Yup.” I grab another bale and heave it onto the growing stack. “Just like you with Juny.” I smile.
“Shit, she’s a kid with a crush. This is your childhood best friend’s widow and one of your closest friends. Not the same at all.” I ignore his comment, continuing to work. “Seriously, Range, can’t we just have real talk here for a second? Why not just be honest with her and stop running your mouth and ruining any chance you might have? We both know you like her, so there’s no point in pretending you don’t.”
“I’m not pretending I don’t.” I pull off my glove, wiping at the sheen of sweat that’s developed on my brow. “This isn’t some woman I don’t know that well or someone I could easily get over if things went south. This is Dolly, for crying out loud. I’d never forgive myself if I ever broke her heart.”
“Then don’t break her heart.” He smiles like it’s so simple.
“Gee, thanks. Noted. It’s more than that, though. Part of me wonders if she’s just hanging on to me because I’m her last tie to Dean. He has no remaining family, and the two of them lost their child, so I’m the one relic from that time period that reminds her of the happiness she once had with him.”
“Shit, man.” Deck rests his hands on his knees. “I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that. I thought you were still just struggling with the idea of it being your best friend’s widow.”
“That’s always in the back of my mind, so yeah, won’t lie, it’s kind of a mindfuck. I feel like I’d be betraying Dean in some way.”
“For what it’s worth, I don’t think he’d see it like that. I know you and Dean were closer than I was with him, but I knew and loved him too, and of all the men on this planet, he’d probably be the happiest knowing you were the one who was going to take his place and take care of Doll.”
“I tell myself that sometimes. But uh . . .” I take a seat across from him and contemplate if I should be completely honest with my brother. “Fuck it.” I shake my head and stand back up, beginning to pace. “When we were kids, I met Dolly first. We were at a house party and she was pretty drunk, up on a table singing ‘Stand by Your Man’ as loud and off-key as she could.” I laugh remembering how she put her entire heart into that performance. It’s one of my absolute favorite memories of her. “I was captivated by her. I introduced myself and we talked and flirted on and off all night. I wanted to ask her out right then, but she’d had too much to drink and I didn’t want her to not remember it the next day.”
I walk over to the open door of the barn and look out over the horizon. It’s a cool September day, but a storm has begun to roll in over the mountains.
“Does she know that?”
I turn back around to Decker. “Nope. Never told her. When we were back at school, I walked up to her in the hallway and was going to ask her to homecoming, but I chickened out. I went to the bathroom to give myself a pep talk, and when I walked back out and turned the corner to find her, Dean was already talking to her.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. He was laying it on thick like he always did.” I chuckle. “He asked her to the dance and she said yes, and when he and I hung out that night, he told me he was head over heels in love with her already. I’d never seen him act like that or heard him talk like that about any girlever, so naturally, I bowed out.”
“God damn.” Decker shakes his head. “I had no idea.”
“Nobody did. It’s not like I was out there bragging about falling in love with my best friend’s girl.”
“Yeah, but I’m your brother, your twin. I feel like an asshole teasing you about her all these years.”
“It’s okay. I’m the one who’s been the coward all this time.”
We both stand in silence. It feels good to get that off my chest after carrying it around for almost 15 years.
“So, what are you going to do? I hate to say it, Range, but it’s clearly eating you up inside, so you either need to let her go and figure out a way to move on, or you need to give it a shot. I hate seeing you like this.”
I nod my head, kicking absentmindedly at nothing on the ground in front of me. “Yeah, you’re probably right. The thought of walking away from her—of letting her go—is paralyzing to me, but the thought of being vulnerable and risking finding out I’m just a shadow of her past life is even worse. Bottom line is, I need to talk to her.”
“I’ll finish up here. It’s almost 5, so she should be closing up shop soon. If you hurry, you can catch her.”
I want to tell him I’ll talk to her later, but I know myself, and I know I’ll pussy out again. “Thanks . . . and thanks for letting me get it out.”
“Anytime.” He smiles.
“But if you tell anyone, I will beat your ass like I used to when we were kids.” I’m not only six and a half minutes older than Deck, but I’m a half an inch taller, something I often used to my advantage growing up.
I don’t bother showering or changing, so I jog over to my truck and fly down the gravel road out of the ranch toward town. The radio alerts me to a winter storm warning hitting the mountains with expectations of 14-18 inches of snow.
By the time I’m pulling up in front of Dolly’s Boutique, it’s only 5:09, but her sign is flipped to CLOSED and it looks like the lights are off. I jump out of the truck and walk to the glass door, cupping my hands around my eyes, hoping she’s still inside. It looks completely empty. I knock on the door a few times but nobody answers.
“Shit.” I contemplate heading back home to the ranch, but decide I’ll drive over to her house and see if she’s free. Her place is less than a mile from Main Street, but when I pull into her driveway, I notice her Jeep isn’t outside.
