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I go through a few of the other boxes, and they’re full of more clothes and old tools, which I’ll donate as well. Finally, only one small box remains. I lift it up and wipe away the dust, placing it in my lap. I don’t remember what’s in here. In fact, I don’t remember this box at all. I open the flap and see a small black leather-bound book, a few baseball cards, and his thin gold wedding band.
My breath hitches in my throat when I see the ring. I reach inside, picking it up and holding it in my palm. My guess is my dad boxed up this personal stuff so I didn’t have to. I close my hand around the ring, closing my eyes for a brief second before sliding it into my pocket. I can’t bear the thought of donating it, but I’m not yet sure what I’ll do with it. I reach for the small notebook and remove the elastic band around the outside, opening it. It’s filled with Dean’s handwriting.
“Oh my God,” I say quietly as I flip through the pages. This must be his journal. I didn’t even know he kept one. I feel wrong for reading it, but before I can stop myself, I open to a random page and begin to read.
Sept. 14
I can’t believe it’s been a month since Dolly and I got married. Holy shit, I’m a husband!
I instantly laughwhen I read the first line. I can hear it in Dean’s loud, enthusiastic voice as he runs his hands through his hair, leaving it sticking up every which way. He always said everything with a smile, a laugh punctuating the end of it like nothing was really that serious.
Dolly is a dream.She’s such a badass woman. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I know she’s far better than me. Sometimes I wonder why the hell she ever said yes to me.
That wasthe entry for the day. I read through a few more, and they’re not much different. Or they’re talking about a fun time he had with Ranger or how he loves the used pickup truck he just bought. It was already seven years old, but it was new to him, and he loved that thing so much. He would spend hours washing and waxing it, detailing the inside and polishing the rims. He even upgraded the sound system in it, and he and Ranger would turn their music up loud in our front yard while they drank beer and just talked. I used to come outside and tell them I didn’t know how they could hear each other over the music, and Ranger would just say, “We don’t really need to talk anyway. Just kicking it.”
I flip through several pages, opening to an entry at a much later date, over a year after the first.
Jan. 18
I’m an asshole. I’ve always known that Dolly deserved better, but for some messed-up reason, I don’t live like she does. She asked me again today to cut back on the drinking. I lied to her and told her I was, but here I am half-drunk, and it’s not even dinnertime. Sometimes I wonder why she didn’t end up with Ranger.
My heart stops.I reread the statement again before continuing.
I knowhe cares for her so much. I know he liked her. He told me about meeting her that night. He didn’t tell me he liked her, but Ranger never told me about any other girl. Clearly, he told me because she made an impression on him. I knew he liked her, but when I saw her, I couldn’t take my eyes off her either. I feel selfish for doing that, but at the same time, she loves me. I love her so much. I just wish I could be the man she deserves.
I snap the notebook closed.My throat is thick with emotion as I try to swallow down the tears. I toss the notebook back into the small box and head downstairs to get my mind off it. I spend an hour going through items in the kitchen when I hear a knock at the front door.
“Hi.” Paige stands on my doorstep, a half-smile on her face.
“Hey, Paige, what can I do for you?” I ask, a bit confused. I realize she’s in the process of buying the house, but her closing isn’t for a few weeks. “Did you need to measure something?” I point over my shoulder into the house.
“No. Sorry to just show up unannounced like this. I uh—can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure, sorry.” I open the door wider and let her inside. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Well, no. I know I gave you an apology for my behavior before . . . when it came to the note, and the diner, and the rodeo . . .” She fidgets with her hands.
“Why don’t you come into the kitchen? I’ll get us some tea or something.”
“Thank you.” She slides her purse down her arm and takes a seat at my small dining set. “Looks like you’ve made a lot of packing progress.”
“Yeah. This is the last room I need to go through. Ranger and his family are doing all the heavy lifting on Sunday. Speaking of which,” I say as I put the kettle on, “if there’s any furniture you want, let me know and I’ll sell it to you for a very reasonable price. The only things I really want to keep are the rocking chair, my dresser, and . . .” I glance around, “well, that’s it.”
“Oh wow, that would be amazing, actually. I have a bed, but this dining set would be great and so would the couch. I downsized a lot when I moved back in with my parents last year,” she says, a little embarrassed.
“No shame in that, Paige. It allowed you to save up and get your own home, didn’t it?”
“True,” she sighs.
I pour us each a mug of tea and sit down across from her. “So, anyway . . .”
“Yes, anyway.” She smiles. “Like I said, I moved back in with my parents last year. I got out of a bad relationship, and that’s when Ranger and I kind of started talking or whatever. I was at a low point . . . my ex cheated on me and just destroyed my self-esteem, and instead of trying to work on myself, I sought validation from Ranger. I just,” she looks down at her mug, genuine regret on her face, “I just feel like I really hurt you and him and was so wrong in my actions. I also wanted you to know that I didn’t read your letter to him. Shockingly, I had enough shame to not do that, but I still can’t believe I kept it like that. I was jealous and angry at him for not wanting me like I wanted him. I just . . . I’msosorry.”
I reach out and grab her hand. “It’s okay, truly. I’ve forgiven you. I mean that. I’m not holding on to some grudge or anything. It makes me sad that you were hurt, and while it doesn’t justify your actions at all, I get it. I think you moving in here is going to be a great next step for you. You’re so young, you’re . . . what? Twenty-six?”
“Yeah, just turned 26 last month.”
“You’ll figure it all out, Paige. You’re beautiful and driven and you’re going to be okay.”
