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She smiles at me, letting out a long sigh of relief. “Thank you, really, so much.”
We chat for a little while longer as we finish our tea. She tells me about how she’s going back to school soon and she’s super excited about it. After she leaves, I finish packing up my kitchen then walk back to the attic.
I climb the ladder again, walking over to that box and pulling out Dean’s journal. I want to read about when I lost the baby. About how he felt. That’s when things were at their worst. I felt like he pushed me away—like I had no idea what was really going through his head.
I sit back down and open the journal, flipping through it until I find a date around my miscarriage.
March8
I can’t stop blaming myself. If I had been around more for Dolly . . . if I hadn’t been such a piece of shit to her, stressing her out, fighting with her, she wouldn’t have lost the baby. I know she doesn’t blame me, but I do. She’s an angel. She should be a mom and she’s now not, because of me.
A big fattear falls down my cheek right onto the page I’m reading. I swipe at my cheeks as more come. I hate that he blamed himself; I had a feeling he did. The fact is, I blamed myself too. It wasn’t either of our faults, but we were so young, so broken, that we couldn’t make sense of it at the time. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t the universe’s way of sparing me the pain of losing him while pregnant and being left to raise my daughter alone.
I open to the last entry of the journal. It’s not a very long one, and it’s dated one week before he died. I read it, then read it again, my heart breaking.
* * *
“What’swith the smile on your face?” Amelia asks as she eyes me suspiciously.
“Nothing.” I shrug nonchalantly.
“She’s had that smile glued to her face since Ranger came back.” Milly laughs. “Seriously, every time I see you, you’re smiling. It makes me so happy.”
“I told you he’d pull his head out of his ass and come back to you. Granted, it’s a shame it took so long, but then again, he’s a man, so his two brain cells were probably busy trying to remind him to breathe and swallow every day,” Brooklyn chimes in, making us all laugh. “Tyler said that Decker was also very excited since that meant he was moving to Texas.”
“He was,” I confirm. “I know that Ranger doubted Deck could handle it at first, but he realized he was wrong, and so did their dad. Seems like things in Texas are going smoothly, so no bumps in the road with the transition. Milly, what about you? Have you taken over for your dad yet?”
She nods, swallowing the bite of her biscuit. “Shadowing still. He will officially retire in about four more months, which is great, because that should be after our elopement and our party.”
“Ohhh, how’s that going?” Amelia asks giddily.
“Great, actually. It’s still a few months away, but we’ve booked a little place down in Mexico. We really had to put our foot down with the family, though, so they’d understand we wanted it to be just us. His mom was actually so cool about it. She said she’s just happy he’s actually getting married. My parents are still not loving the idea that they won’t be there, though.”
“Well, youaretheir only girl, so I’m sure that’s hard on them. Would you consider allowing just the parents?” Brooklyn asks.
She shrugs. “I mean, maybe, I guess. Ugh, I just know how it is being a Slade. You let one of us go to something, then the next thing you know, there are 20 right behind them.” She rolls her eyes about her family. She’s not wrong: where there’s one, there’s a dozen. “So,” she crooks an eyebrow at me, “when are you and Ranger tying the knot?” The other ladies clap excitedly and stare at me.
“I’m not sure. We’ve talked about it, but we don’t have any specifics yet.”
“What do you mean?” Amelia asks, confused.
“Oh, you know, we’ve both said we’re spending our lives together and he said we’re having five kids, soooo . . .”
“Damn, five!” Brooklyn shakes her head. “Two are enough for me. I feel like I’m running on caffeine and fumes every day. You’re going to be busy getting busy then busy, busy, busy.”
We laugh and Milly scrunches her nose. “Eww, don’t talk about my brother getting busy.”
“Sorry,” I smile at her, “when your best friend is going to marry your brother, it’s kind of par for the course. I’d love something small, though: just friends and family in our backyard maybe? Who knows? We haven’t discussed timing on it, but that being said . . .” I pause for a second, letting the tension build, “you are going to be an aunt in about four months.”
Milly’s smile falters as her eyes bulge out of her head. It takes her a minute to realize what I’ve just said. Brooklyn and Amelia’s mouths fall open.
“Oh my God, you’re pregnant?” Milly’s voice is already quivering as I nod my head.
“I’m pregnant!”
They all squeal with delight as they jump up and run over to hug me, almost knocking me out of my chair.
“Wait, you said in four months! You’re already five months? How? Where?” Brooklyn tugs at my oversized sweatshirt, making me laugh.
