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“We want to help and support you, sweetheart, but to do that, we need you to allow us in,” Dad added.
“I’m trying,” I replied. “But it’s h-hard.”
“We know,” Dad nodded. “And that’s why we haven’t pushed, but maybe we should have.”
“He’s right. What happened today could have been so much worse, Blake. You could have drowned in that tub. You were so far gone I’m not sure you’d have even come round enough to save yourself. We shouldn’t have left you when we all knew you weren’t ready yet,” Trent said as he held me even tighter in his arms.
“I th-thought I was,” I defended. “I just want to be stronger. I want t-to be me again.”
“We know, and we want that for you too, but you can’t force it,” Dad cut in. “It’s going to take time, sweetheart, and I don’t think you can do it alone, no matter how determined you are to try. I know in the past you have found ways to survive alone, and the fact you did that makes me so damned proud I can’t even explain. But in the past you had no other option. Now you do. We’re here and we’re not going anywhere.”
“Maybe it’s time you stopped trying to be the version of you that you were before, the version who was all alone. Maybe, instead, you need to learn who the version of you is, that has family and friends who she can always turn to and rely on,” Trent suggested. “I’m sure she is going to be just as strong, if not stronger.”
“That sounds really g-good,” I agreed with a watery smile. Not being alone anymore sounded wonderful in fact. “Maybe I could g-go back to my sessions with Lisa this week?” I asked, realising it was time. I hadn’t seen her since the hit and run, not feeling ready to return to the pain those sessions caused me when I was already in so much physical pain with the bruising and headaches. Now I realised I couldn’t afford to stay away. The progress from the sessions may have been incredibly minimal and slow, but it was still progress and I needed to push on if I was ever going to overcome my past.
“I think that’s a great idea, tiny,” Trent agreed.
“I’ll call her office now and see when she can get you in,” Dad said as he got to his feet and left the room to make the call.
“When’s the last time you ate?” Trent asked, and as if on cue my stomach rumbled loudly, even though I had no desire to eat anything. “Never mind,” Trent laughed as he unwrapped me from his arms and slid off of the bed.
“I’m really n-not very hungry,” I protested as he stood before me and held out a hand.
“Your stomach disagrees.” He raised his eyebrows, daring me to argue further with him, but I didn’t have the energy. Instead I slapped my hand into his and sighed deeply.
“You’re so bloody pushy,” I grumbled as he pulled me up, grabbing my shoulder when I instantly swayed on my feet a little.
“Getbloodyused to it,” he joked back, the English curse word so strange in his American accent, I couldn’t help but laugh as we left my room and headed for the kitchen.
CHAPTER 9
BLAKE
Thankfully, I felt somewhat calmer and more together when I awoke the next morning. Trent was laid on the bed beside me on top of the covers, and my dad was looking very uncomfortable in the chair he had pulled over to sit beside me all night. Neither of them would leave me, the night before, when I went to bed, no matter how hard I tried to convince them I’d be fine.
I knew neither of them could have slept well, having been woken several times by my nightmares which wouldn’t stop. I hated how worried and upset they both looked each time I leapt awake gasping, or worse – screaming, but they refused to leave me and I couldn’t stop the nightmares. I had tried to stay awake, but after such a stressful day I was exhausted and sleep continued to pull me under.
I sat up slowly, not wanting to cause too much movement and wake Trent. He and Dad needed as much sleep as they could get, but I was done. I couldn’t stand to go through one more of the awful, terrifying memories that were lurking in sleep for me.
I successfully got out of the bed and tiptoed through to the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
Stood before the mirror, brushing my teeth as the shower warmed up, I couldn’t take in how truly terrible I looked. My face was so pale I looked as though I had painted it that way for Halloween or something. My lips were way paler than usual too, and my eyes were bright red and bloodshot, all emphasised by the dark smudges beneath them. My hair was loose and sticking up in all directions, the back matted and frizzy. No wonder Dad and Trent had looked so worried about me. I was a wreck!
Inside wasn’t much better either. While I was calmer and more able to get a grip on my emotions than I had the previous day, I could still feel my anxiety closer to the surface than it usually was. I didn’t understand why. Was this all just because of Abby’s outburst? Because, if it was, I was pissed off with myself. What had transpired with that poisonous viper the day before was unpleasant but should not have been enough to push me into a full on break down.
Trying to keep myself focussed on menial tasks and away from my too raw emotions, I stripped off my pyjamas and stepped under the hot water of the shower. I worked hard to keep my thoughts shallow – on what I was doing and what I had planned for that day, but I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering. From trying to work out why exactly I had crumbled so badly the day before, and why the hell I felt so very close to the edge of it happening again.
I thought back to my interaction with Abby and the words she had spat at me. It hadn’t been anything she hadn’t said to me before. Yes, her hatred and insults hurt, but that wasn’t what had broken me. I knew when she had tried to launch herself towards me, that it was what had triggered my initial panic. It was why I had been thrown in to flashbacks of my mum behaving just as irately, and lashing out at me over and over.
But that wasn’t what had taken me to that place so deep, dark, and terrifying that I had lost my grip on reality. And then, as I rinsed shampoo from my hair, it just clicked into place. I had believed Abby as she screamed at me – I had seen panic under her anger. It had occurred to me as we had the rage filled encounter, that Abby was behaving so crazy because she was scared, scared she was being accused of something she didn’t do. That was what had terrified me enough to break from the real world – the realisation that if it hadn’t been Abby who had hit me with her car that night, then there was really only one other option – the three monsters who had destroyed me. Either they sent someone to finish the job they failed to do themselves, or, much more terrifying, they had come for me once again.
Just the idea that those monsters were in the same country as me was enough to have my chest getting tight and the cubicle around me swaying before my eyes.
“Don’t you bloody d-do this again Blake!” I hissed out loud to myself, as I fought to keep control. I started trying to convince myself it beingthem, wasn’t the only option. I made myself consider it could have just been a random drunk who hit me, or someone who wanted to hurt my dad. I had to allow other options in, because I knew if there were no other possibilities and I allowed myself to actually believe those animals were anywhere near me, I would lose it all over again.
Before my thoughts could spiral anymore I turned off the shower and stepped out, drying myself and my hair roughly, just trying to ground myself in that moment and not allow any other thought to creep it’s way in.
I pulled on underwear and gathered my wet hair up into a very messy bun on top of my head. The shower hadn’t improved my pallid complexion or exhausted appearance, but I wasn’t in a place that I really cared.
