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“Stop smirking and t-text Declan,” I told him flatly, as I took my seat and grabbed the fork. As he sent the text I ate a few pieces of the fruit. As always, when my anxiety was riding me, my stomach was unsettled and rejecting food, despite the fact I’d barely eaten a thing in the last twenty four hours.
I forced a little down as I drank my coffee and couldn’t help but notice Luca seemed to be constantly texting throughout.
“Is he m-mad?” I got up the courage to ask eventually.
“He’s not happy,” Luca sighed as he looked from his phone to me. “He’s saying he wants to see you. He’s worried about you.”
Tears filled my eyes at those words and I fought to push them back and stop them from falling. I hated that I was worrying Dec, and likely all of the others too, but I just felt too raw to deal with them.
“I h-hate this,” I squeaked. I looked up to the ceiling in a desperate bid to stop the tears. “I know they care about me. I c-care about them too, but I just…I f-feel so raw. I don’t th-think I can face them. My emotions…they’re already just right there…at the surface. The guys…they m-make me feel too much and I can’t…not today,” I tried to explain.
“That’s okay Blake. It’s fine to take what you need. Stop worrying about upsetting people and focus on that – on what you need to get through. If they care for you, they will understand.” Luca placed a soothing hand over mine where it lay on the counter, and, surprisingly, it was a comfort.
Before I could say anything else, Luca’s phone started chirping in his hand. He glanced at the screen, then turned it to face me.DECLAN MYERS.
I held my hand out for the phone, knowing Dec wouldn’t quit until he knew I really was alright. It was who he was – protective, determined, and stubborn. It would be a lot easier for everyone if I just told him what he needed to hear myself. If I were being completely honest with myself, under all of my anxiety and worries, I missed them all, and I wanted to hear Dec’s voice, even though I feared he’d hear just how messed up I was.
“You better listen up, motherfucker!” Dec growled down the line the moment I answered.
“Nice g-greeting there, Dec,” I told him, trying to hide my nerves and trembling voice with the joke.
“Blake?” he gasped, his voice softening instantly. “Fuck, tiger! I’ve been so worried. Are you alright?”
“Better th-than yesterday,” I replied. Luca looked to me with question and a thumbs up. I returned the gesture and he nodded, then got to his feet and walked out of the kitchen, giving me some privacy.
“Luca said you’re not feeling up to Physio today?”
“I’m not,” I confirmed. “I…I h-had a bad day yesterday and I f-feel pretty shaky today too,” I admitted.
“Trent told us what happened yesterday. Fucking Abby!”
“It wasn’t really her. I just…like I said, it was a b-bad day.” I wasn’t ready to go into the details of just how badly I had spiralled the day before, especially since I wasn’t sure it was quite over yet. Those dark, panic inducing thoughts were so close to the surface that morning and I couldn’t seem to push them any deeper down.
“We were worried about you, Blake. We wanted to see you, to be there for you when you needed us,” he sighed and I didn’t miss the hurt in his tone. My eyes were glassy again and a lump formed in my throat as I realised just how much I had likely hurt all of them. I had never meant to cause that.
“I’m s-sorry,” I whimpered. “I never meant to h-hurt any of you. I just…I wasn’t strong enough to…to see you. I couldn’t.”
“Why do you need to be ‘strong enough’ to see us? We don’t need you to be strong, Blake. We knew you were struggling. That’s why we wanted to be with you. We care about you and we’re working towards a relationship here. That means we are there for you, and for each other, no matter what. We don’t only want you on your good days, beautiful. We want you every fucking day. We want to be there to hold, comfort and support you on the worst days and to smile, laugh and be happy with you on the best ones. You don’t need to try and keep us away from what you’re dealing with. We don’t want that. We just want you – all of you.”
“I know, Dec,” I whispered, because I did. I knew they were all, all in. I knew they had already told me they wanted to be there for me, that they were on my side no matter what. That wasn’t the part I was struggling with. “You d-don’t know how grateful I am that I h-have all of you.”
“Fuck grateful!” Dec hissed dismissively. “Tell me what’s going on, Blake. Have we scared you off? Were we too pushy?”
“What? No!” I cried. “I just…I’m n-not sure I’m ready for this…for us. Yesterday…and today…I was a mess. It made me realise I just don’t th-think I can do this…us…a relationship. I don’t think I’m strong enough yet,” I admitted.
“Then we slow everything down. We told you in the beginning that you have the controls here. It’s totally fine if you need to slam the brakes on for a while, but don’t push us away, please Blake. We care too much about you, and knowing you need us but won’t let us near…it hurts, physically hurts. We don’t need to be any more than friends, if that’s what you need, but we do need to be in your life,” he almost pleaded.
“I need all of you t-too,” I admitted. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I was just scared and overwhelmed.”
“I know. We all get it, and that’s the only reason we left and didn’t fight your dad to get to you, but we won’t stay away for long. You mean too much to all of us.”
“Just, pl-please give me today. I n-need some time to try and g-get my head straight. I barely slept and I…my anxiety is still bad,”
“Then I want to be with you. You don’t have to face it all alone. We can all be there with you.”
“Please Dec. I know you w-want to be here, but I…I can’t. Not today. I’m n-not alone. Dad and Trent are here. Just let me h-have today to pull myself together a little,” I begged tearfully.
“One day,” Declan growled. “We’ll give you today, but that’s it Blake. I don’t like this, don’t like the fact you seem to think you need to pull yourself together before you see us. We don’t need that. We don’t need you to be anything except you.”
