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“Dec,” I sighed.
“Just today Blake,” he cut in flatly. “And then I’m coming for you tomorrow, and I doubt I’ll be alone.”
“Okay,” I agreed. The concern I could feel in every word he said, for me – it was so overwhelming, but also comforting. He cared. They all did. I knew that already, but this had just affirmed it for me. They wanted me even though I was a complete wreck. I didn’t know how I had ever been fortunate enough to find such wonderful men.
“Take it easy today, okay?” he said, his tone once again soft. “I want you to promise you’ll call me, or the others if you need anything.”
“I will,” I agreed. “I’ll text you all later, let you know how I’m f-feeling.”
“We’d really appreciate that, beautiful,” he agreed. We said a short goodbye and then hung up. As I carefully set Luca’s mobile down on the counter, tears were running down my cheeks and I felt shitty for the way I had treated them all. How could I ever have a relationship with the four of them when it had all gone so wrong the first time I had a really bad day?
Knowing I needed to stop the downward trajectory my thoughts were taking, I jumped down from the stool, grimacing when I jolted my still sore ribs, then grabbed my trainers from where I had left them in the doorway. Shoving my feet into them and not caring that I was flattening down the backs, I walked to the large glass patio doors and slid one open just enough to slip outside.
It was still early, but the sun was shining brightly and there was a pleasant birdsong all around me. There was a cool breeze that blew loose strands of my wild, still wet hair as I stormed across the garden.
My whole body was once again shaking, and the fruit I had forced down was threatening to come back up. An anxiety attack was right there, so close to consuming me and I didn’t even know what had triggered it. Did it even need anything to trigger it when it was already so close to the surface?
Anger started to course through me too as I fought to just get some fucking control of my own mind – of my own thoughts and emotions, but failed. I was so frustrated with myself, so sick of being such a heaping pile of useless crap! I should be able to control my own damn thoughts! Wasn’t that kind of a basic requirement of being a human being?
Rage filled every inch of my being in almost an instant and I clenched my fists, feeling like I was going to explode if I didn’t lash out and get rid of some of it. The closest thing to me was the panel fence that surrounded the perimeter of the garden and I turned to it and punched as hard as I could. The fence was a little rough and the hit caused pain to radiate out from my knuckles, but that didn’t slow me down as I hit out at it again and again, now using both fists. I threw all of my rage and fear out at the poor inanimate object as tears poured down my face.
“BLAKE!” I heard someone calling my name, yelling at me to stop, but I didn’t really register it as I hit out over and over again until the part of the fence I was attacking started to split and break. Rather than stopping then though, I just moved over and hit beside the weakened area. It hurt more to hit the newly solid piece and I needed that pain to make all of the other angry and hateful thoughts quieten down.
“Blake! Stop! Just stop! Please!” Strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me against a solid chest, dragging me back enough that I couldn’t reach the fence any longer. Another moment and my flailing arms had been subdued too, trapped at my sides, under the strong ones holding me in place.
“Let me go!” I raged as I struggled with the last vestiges of energy I had left.
“No tiny. I’m not going to do that,” Trent said and the realisation that he was the one who held me, was enough to force me to stop struggling. Instead I deflated, leaning back into him, and just surrendering.
“I d-don’t want this,” I whimpered through my sobs. “I d-don’t want to be l-like this anymore. I c-can’t do it, Trent.”
“Shush now. You’re okay. I’m here. I’ve got you,” he soothed as he turned me in his arms. He placed a hand on the back of my head and pressed it into his chest as he lifted me with his other arm until I was cradled against him like a child. “I’m gonna get you inside, okay? Your hands are bleeding and you’re trembling so much you’re scaring me.”
“I’m s-sorry,” I whispered, but the words were muffled against the t-shirt I had my face buried against.
“Trent?” I heard Luca as we walked into the warmth of the house.
“Can you get my dad please? He’s still in Blake’s room,” Trent asked, keeping his voice to just little more than a whisper.
As I heard Luca’s footsteps move down the hall, Trent carried me into the living room and sat on the sofa, settling me in his lap. I clung to him, not ready to sit up and face him, face how fucked up I knew I was. I was grateful when he just held me and ran a soothing hand up and down my back.
“Trent?” It was my dad, and my whole body tensed when I realised he too was going to see what I had done.
“Blake’s hands are all cut up. She’s going to need your first aid skills,” Trent said softly.
“What happened?” Dad asked, and I clung to Trent even tighter.
“I think the fence around the garden may have given Blake some lip,” Trent joked. The easy tone he said it with, the fact he wasn’t addressing how messed up what I had just done was, helped me to ease my grip on him a little.
“Do we need to get her to the hospital?” I tensed once again at the thought of going to that terrifying place, but Trent must have felt it because his arms around me became even tighter.
“No. I think it’s just some shallow cuts. She’ll be okay if you can clean them up,” Trent replied.
“I’ll grab some supplies,” Dad agreed and I heard him hurrying away again.
“You doing okay, short stack?” Trent asked as he rested his chin on top of my head.
“Embarrassed,” I whispered.
