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“No,” I shook my head instantly. “Not with the guys anyway. They s-see everything.”
“So they see everything, but you don’t want to talk with them about the issues you’re having?” she asked as she looked to me with raised eyebrows. Before I could admit she had a point, the alarm on her phone beeped signalling the end of the session.
“That’s our time for today, but Blake, I really think if you care for these men, and want to find a way to progress your relationship, you need to be honest with them. If you feel unable to keep control of how fast or slow things move, you need to decide if you can entrust them with your needs and whether or not you are willing to tell them the information they need in order to do that.”
“Bollocks!” I whispered, when I realised how right she was. I was not in the place I needed to be to keep a rein on how things moved with the guys. My injury made my decision making a bag of crap! If I wanted things to take a shape where I felt I was in control with the guys, I needed to lay everything out with them, and that was going to be one hell of a conversation, that I did not want to have.
“Think about it. In the meantime focus on the other things we discussed and if you feel the rage again, you call me immediately. We will meet again on Friday otherwise, okay?” she asked, and I looked up and smiled.
“Yes. Thank you.” It had been a hard session, but Lisa had made me feel I had a few techniques to control the anxiety if it crept back up, and some steps to take to try and find some of the control I craved.
“Okay, short stack?” Trent asked as I stepped out of the office. He stood from the chair he had waited in, in the reception area. He had offered to come into the session with me, but I had known I needed to face everything alone that day. Now as I walked out feeling better and calmer, I was glad I had. It felt like a small achievement and I needed that after two days of feeling like a waste of oxygen.
“Yep,” I nodded and smiled a little, reassured when Trent’s return smile was genuine and relieved.
“Blake asked me to tell you about the adjustments I’ve made to her medications,” Lisa said as she walked over to Trent.
“Yeah. She takes so many, it gets confusing. We decided to make it a team effort- me and her,” he replied and he looked over to me with a comforting smile. I adored the way he always tried so hard not to make me feel like I was less in anyway, no matter what.
“Well I’d like to switch these,” she handed him a piece of paper with the prescription, “out for the Valproate. These meds won’t react with the anti-biotics Blake is taking.”
“Great. Thanks. I’ll pick these up and toss the others,” Trent agreed as he folded the paper and slipped it into the pocket of the shorts he wore. “Anything else?”
“No. I’ll see you on Friday, Blake. Remember to call me at any time if you need to. It’s my job to be available to you whenever you need me,” she reiterated, and I nodded.
As Lisa walked away Trent picked up the mac I had brought out with me, still feeling shaky and chilled when we left the house, despite the weather outside being warm and sunny. He draped it over my shoulders, then wrapped an arm around me.
“You sure you’re alright?” he asked as we made our way to the lifts.
“Maybe not alright, b-but much better,” I told him with a smile. The session with Lisa had helped a lot, as had the three hours of undisturbed sleep I got with the sleeping pill I took before I came out. Things in my head were at least a little quieter and calmer.
“I’ll take ‘much better,’” Trent grinned.
“Can we g-get pizza on the w-way home?” I asked, feeling a little hungry and craving something calorific.
“Absolutely,” Trent agreed happily. “We’ll call atMario’swhen we pick up your meds, okay?”
“Thanks,” I looked up to him and once again wondered how he could even be real. It was so hard to believe he really was my brother – that I knew I could count on him to always have my back.
No matter what happened in my future, with my crazy head and my unpredictable life – I knew my dad and my brother would be at my side through whatever came, and that made all of the uncertainty about everything else, so much less terrifying.
Luca was waiting outside the office building when we stepped out onto the hectic street in the middle of the city. He hadn’t needed to come in with me, since Trent had, and I was grateful for that. No way I wanted him over hearing what I discussed with Lisa. I knew he likely wouldn’t bat an eye, since he’d experienced his own demons, but still – there had to be a limit to who knew a girl’s secrets.
“All good?” he asked as he looked between Trent and I.
“Yep!” Trent replied as I nodded. “We’re gonna head back to town. We need to grab some meds and Blake wants pizza. That okay?”
“No problem,” Luca agreed with a nod, then he followed behind us as we battled our way back to the car park down the street, where we’d left the car.
While Trent helped me into the back seat, I noticed Luca looking around and under Trent’s car. I’d love to say it didn’t terrify me, but it did. How could this be real? How could we need a professional to make sure no one had tampered with our vehicles while we were living our lives? It was madness, but one I knew I needed to live with for the time being.
As soon as Luca and Trent were up front and we got moving, I decided to try and broach a topic Lisa had made me think about.
“Trent?” I didn’t want to distract him too much, since he was driving, but I was itching to ask him this question.
“Yeah, tiny?”
“Lisa and I…we were talking about me trying t-to get back to work. I miss h-having a job and I th-think it would make me f-feel more in control,” I explained.
