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“I can’t even c-control my own thoughts. They slip away from me…take me to places I d-don’t want them to go. Then I f-fall apart, or flip out. I worry and terrify e-everyone who cares about me and I….I just hate it! I want to be normal!” I growled.
"That's not the first time I’ve heard those words from you Blake. What do you mean by normal?” she asked. I took a deep breath and made my glassy eyes look up into hers.
“Not like this,” I huffed as I waved a hand over myself. “I us-used to be strong and tough. I n-never cried. I took care of myself. I was in control. Now…now I’m pathetic.”
“A lot has changed for you over the last eighteen months. You have sustained a life changing injury. You’ve found a father and brother you never knew about, and you’ve started a very complicated relationship. I’d say it’s all taken a lot of control from you, hasn’t it? Control you had a very firm grasp on for the years before you were shot. Am I right?” she asked.
“Yes,” I agreed as I realised she was right. Before those monsters broke me, I had control of every single aspect of my life I possibly could, and I clung to it hard, never allowing anyone or anything to come in and alter any aspect of it. It was a hard and lonely way to live, but the only way I knew to keep myself safe and sane. When I woke in that hospital, with a bullet wound in my brain, I lost all of my control and as a result, I lost who I was. “I w-want that back.”
“And do you believe that is possible?” I thought about her question, but I knew the answer already. It was what I had been worrying about ever since I arrived there in that new life.
“No. Not the s-same anyway. My Dad and Trent, and the guys too, I suppose – they care about me, and they would never allow m-me to push them away.”
“Why would you need to push them away to have control?” Lisa asked.
“Because p-people…m-make things harder…unpredictable. Before…when I h-had control, it w-was just me. I decided. I made all of the r-rules. It’s s-safe that way,” I tried to explain.
“So you can’t be safe unless you control everything around you?” she asked. I nodded, but then shrugged. The truth was, I had no idea anymore. I always believed as long as I had control of every aspect of my life, I would be able to protect myself, but since coming to live with my dad and Trent, I had realised the way I had lived before had been far from ideal.
“I just w-want some control back,” I sighed. “Maybe n-not all of it. I don’t need to…I know I can trust my Dad and Trent to protect me. I tr-trust them both,” I admitted.
“Okay, so what do you want control of? Let’s break it down a little,” Lisa suggested, and once again I quietened as I thought it over.
“My th-thoughts for a st-start,” I began.
“I think, as we already discussed, the last two days have been as rough as they were because you haven’t been sleeping enough. I also think the mood stabilisers I started you on may have reacted badly with the anti-biotics that you’ve been taking after your accident, so I will be adjusting those. So let’s put that aside and think about everything else. Are you happy living where you live or do you feel the need for your own space?”
“No. I d-don’t think I’m ready to live on my own. I…I like living with Dad a-and Trent.”
“Okay. What else?”
“A job, maybe?” I suggested. “I miss working and earning my own m-money. I h-hate spending Dad and Trent’s money.”
“Do you think that’s something you could work towards?”
“I…I think so. I just worry…my anxiety. I still h-have a lot of attacks and if I were working…” I shrugged.
“Maybe you could speak with your family about this. Perhaps they could allow you to do some voluntary work with one of them so you could ease back into work life.” Lisa suggested and I nodded and smiled a little. That was definitely an option. Maybe I could work at the gym with Dec, or go to the office with Dad. Maybe I could even ask Trent about helping out in his class. I’d enjoy that. I was much more comfortable with children than with adults.
“Yeah,” I nodded again. “That sounds good.”
“Great,” Lisa nodded. “And how are things with your relationship with the guys? Last time we spoke things had started to progress. Do you feel you have control of that aspect of your life?”
“Yes,” I nodded firmly, but then when I thought the question over I shook my head instead and said, “No. I don’t know! The guys…they’re really good. They h-have never pushed me. I…I’ve kissed most of them, but that w-was my choice. They have t-told me they are happy to m-move at my pace,” I explained.
“But?”
“But…well, they are so sweet all of the t-time. They call me sweet names and they….like t-touch me. Just casual touches, but well, it m-makes it hard to not w-want more and I…it’s hard to control my instincts sometimes. I kissed them because I w-wanted to, but I just…I feel like if I stop and assess, things are moving faster than I f-feel ready for. Which I know is st-stupid because I’m the one controlling the speed,” I was growling by the end, just frustrated with the craziness.
“Lowered inhibitions and impulse control are common side effects of your brain injury, Blake. If you feel those things are affecting how you make decisions about your relationships, maybe you need to speak with the guys about it, don’t you think?”
“I don’t w-want them to know h-how messed up I am!” I groaned.
“Messed up?”
“Dysfunctional! Defective! Messed up!” I growled.
“We’ll come back to this image you have of yourself later. For now let’s stick with your relationship. Do you think it will be possible for you to have a relationship with anyone in the future without them seeing all aspects of who you are?”
