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Curling up at the end of the sofa with my feet underneath me, I forced myself to smile at Gabe when he handed me the tea and threw a soft rug over me. He knew exactly what I needed: simple, matter-of-fact care, because I couldn’t have handled him trying to soothe me, or talk about it, or touch me.
The show was just interesting enough to hold my attention, so I could pretend to be normal. Pretend I was focussed enough to guess which items were cake and which weren’t. When it ended, Gabe found a replay of an afternoon baseball game and we watched that for a bit. Then it was after ten o’clock and I realized I’d managed to get through the evening without shattering into a million pieces.
“Time for bed?”
“Yeah.” I took my mug to the kitchen, washing it out and putting it upside down in the drainer. Followed Gabe into the bathroom, took the spare toothbrush he gave me and started brushing my teeth. Simple, easy tasks. Breathe in, breathe out. Rinse. Repeat. I took a moment to imagine what I’d be doing if I was at home by myself right now. I’d be curled up on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, for sure. Rinsing my mouth, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Holy fuck. I looked like someone had already died.
Unable to look at myself, I turned away and went into the bedroom, taking the shirt Gabe pulled from his drawer with a nod of thanks. For some reason, it felt ridiculously intimate to get changed in front of each other just to go to bed, so I turned my back, slipped out of my clothes, put on his shirt. With my clothes neatly folded and on the floor next to the bed, I climbed in, pulling the covers around me, staring up at the ceiling.
Gabe turned out the light and climbed in next to me in pajama shorts and a t-shirt. It was all very modest. A bit married, sort of. All the while, I wanted to scream, so I did the only thing I could: I turned onto my side, curled into the tiniest ball I could, and hoped to god I would be able to hold in the pain.
* * *
Iwoke with a start, wondering for a moment where the fuck I was, taking a moment to get my bearings. In bed. With Gabe. At four am. Drowning in dread. Absolutely certain that the news was gonna be bad, that my dad was gonna die. The feeling rose up and cascaded over me and I couldn’t choke it down. A small sob escaped, so I pressed my fist hard against my lips, squeezing my eyes shut. Maybe if I held my breath, I could make it go away. Or at least pass out. That was stupid, of course, and when I blew out the breath, a sob came with it.Get a fucking grip, woman, you haven’t even got the test results yet.
Gabe stirred, reaching for me in the darkness, shifting so he could pull me against him. His hands were unbelievably gentle, and that was all it took to do me in. I rolled into him, gripping his shirt tightly in my fists while I cried. And cried. And cried. He didn’t say a word, just held me, stroked my back, pressed a kiss into my hair when I finally started to settle down.
“Fuck. I’m so sorry,” I mumbled.
“Don’t apologize,” he replied, his voice soft and low.
“I just woke up, and it all hit me, you know? Maybe I’d been dreaming.”
“Maybe.”
“It seems so stupid, to be this upset at just the idea that Dadmightbe sick.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid at all.”
I let out a shuddering breath. Validation was exactly what I needed. Finally releasing the tight grip I had on Gabe’s shirt, I smoothed it flat against his chest. “How did you…cope?’
“With my mom?”
“Yeah.” He moved slightly, sliding his arm under my pillow so we were both more comfortable.
We lay there in the dark and the quiet for a while, with Gabe stroking my hair. He was thinking back to it, I guessed, and I wondered if I shouldn’t have asked such a painful question. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s okay. I was pretty young, you know, so it’s different. I think she knew she was sick for quite a while before she told me. And even longer than that before we both told Jake. At first, we just took each day as it came. So for you, today is the same as yesterday. Your dad wasn’t sick yesterday, so he’s not sick until you know he is. I don’t know if I’m explaining it right.”
“No, I get it. Until the results come in, he’s just as healthy as he was yesterday.”
“Yeah, that’s how we did it. At first.”
“And then?”
I felt him shrug. “Then shewassick. And nearly every test result was worse. She tried to fight it… It would slow down sometimes, and we’d think she’d turned a corner, but no.”
He was just a teenager when he’d had to deal with all this, still a kid. Fuck. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks.” Rolling onto his back, he pulled me with him, so my head was nestled against his shoulder. “Probably the hardest part for me was not being able to do anything about it. It was like there was this freight train speeding down the track toward my mother and I couldn’t do a single thing to stop it. I got so angry. So full of rage.”
“I can’t imagine you reacting that way.”
“Well, that’s because I had to get a handle on it pretty fucking quickly.”
That broke my heart a little.
“And after that, it was all about looking after her…and Jake.”
