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Killion paused.
“Let me rephrase the question… When you think of your place empty. No Rainy. No babies. Does that feelin’ you get hurt?”
Killion stilled a moment as he began to frown. “Yes.”
“That’s because they’re your home. Home ain’t a place, brother. It’s a feelin’, and that’s plain lovin’.”
Killion began to nod, and a smile emerged as the idea, quirky as it was, began to settle in. Just as quickly as it came, the smile was gone. “Why does that scare me?”
“’Cause you lost it once. When Rainy left. Now it’s back, and it doubled in size with them babies. You’re afraid to lose it all again and know that the pain you felt when she ran was nothin’ compared to what you’d be feelin’ if anything happen to all three of them. Love comes with a cost, Killion. That fear is the curse that comes with the blessin’.”
“Then it’ll always be like this?”
“Nah. I don’t think so,” Wit said. “I think there will always be moments, like when you were in the hospital NICU just after the twins were born and told me you were scared. You were scared of losing all of them. That fear faded, and a new fear joined the party when you brought them babies home. You got a good routine down, realized you had a handle on it, and that fear disappeared. Then Rainy came home, and it wasn’t without threats beyond our reach. You can’t fix it, not right away, not on your own, and that means it can all still be taken from you. I’m scared about that too.”
“I-I hadn’t thought about it that way,” Killion admitted. “I didn’t realize…”
“I know you didn’t. You see a problem and want to fix it. You have a solution for everything. You’re our champion around here. You add feelings and loved ones to the mix, and it gets damn messy. You just need to learn how to channel those moments of fear into solutions. What can you do now to put it at bay? What is within your control and what isn’t and how do you just be… okay with that?”
“Feelings haven’t always been my strong suit,” Killion admitted.
“Yes, they have. You just didn’t know it. I’ve never known anyone who loves as big as you. You care about everyone and everything and treat it like a job you refuse to fail at. That’s why we all get to come home at night after a mission. You make sure we do… because you care so much. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, so others don’t… because you love so much. The only thing different here is you didn’t think you deserved the love you’re gettin’ back. It’s not part of your job… it’s your whole heart.”
Killion swiped away at a lone tear, nodding in agreement. “They’re my whole world, Wit. Now that I have them, I can’t imagine a life without them. I’m scared… of losing that. I had no idea it was possible to feel that way. I don’t know how to keep it. To keep them.”
“You’re already doin’ it, man. Keep lovin’ them,” Wit said. “It ain’t always gonna be easy, I suppose, but you’re the guy with all the books and research. You’ll find a way through the hard stuff, and you can fill the rest of us in.”
“Right.” Killion chuckled. “I don’t know if that’s something you can build an algorithm around or throw on a bar graph.”
“Oh, you’ll find a way, O’Reilly.”
“What do I do now? I think I upset Rainy. That’s why I left. I didn’t know how to fix it,” Killion asked.
Wit’s grin dimmed to a steely glare. “What’d you do to my sister?”
“I don’t know. That’s the problem. She said I didn’t see her. I just look at her.”
Wit snickered. “Say what?”
“I know. I told her I look at her all the time, and she said, ‘but I’m not seeing her.’”
“Alright,” Ayelish said from behind Killion as she emerged from behind a pergola, causing both men to jump. “I can’t stay quiet anymore.”
“Damn, girl! You just scared the holy livin’ hell outta me.” Wit grasped at his chest. “You been there the whole time?”
“I’ve been up here a while. We couldn’t get married up here today, but I still wanted to spend time up here and dream about it.” Ayelish took a seat on Wit’s lap and wrapped an arm around his neck. “I didn’t have the heart to break up your heart-to-heart. It was very sweet.”
“Are you makin’ fun?” Wit questioned just as she leaned in for a kiss.
“Not at all. I’m serious,” she admitted. “I even wiped away a few tears and worried you’d hear my sniffles. If I wasn’t already on the hook to marry you and carrying your child, I’d drag you to the altar and make you have babies with me after that.”
“Can you spare the visuals? I’m literally sitting right here,” Killion warned. “Bad enough I know how my baby sister got pregnant in the first place.”
“Get over it,” Ayelish said with an eye roll. “Do you want my take on this or not?”
Killion tossed out his hands in defeat, ready to listen.
“She wants to be seen, big brother. Understood. Maybe even wanted? Accepted? Or forgiven?” Ayelish went on. “You look at her like you look at everyone else, at least when you know she’s paying attention. She wants to be special.”
