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“Fucking what? The only answer I’m looking for is a yes.”
Nix huffed a laugh. He could only laugh. Because really he wanted to cry.
Then something sharp cut into his neck for a moment. Just enough to pierce the skin. Just the top layer or two, just enough to hurt.
“So anyway, heal up, join Ramon’s gang and end Ash and all the rest of his fucking MC.”
Nix couldn’t swallow, otherwise it would cut in further.
He lay in the bed and felt fear and doubt creep over him like cold water. Icy and gripping. Like he’d been in a bath too long and the bath was now cold and he was slipping down and down into it.
The guy punched him in the guts for good measure, which had Nix winded and curled up in the bed. The IV line tugged on his arm. He wanted to hold his stomach but his arm couldn’t reach. The guy faded out into the blackness of the room. Nix heard the door open and close.
Without Ash, he was exposed. More than exposed, he was torn. He realized what a mistake it had all been. To open himself up in such a way. It left him defenseless. It left him without options. It left him backed into a corner with no way out.
This was a familiar feeling to Nix. This was how his childhood and teenage years had felt. This is why he’d run away. Why he’d chosen to throw his faith out the window and float like a leaf in the wind, completely at the mercy of whatever puff blew his way. But free.
Whereas now, yes he’d given in to carnal desires, desires that had sprung up inside of him from nowhere. Like an oasis in a desert. That’s what it had felt like. Fucking blissful relief. But now, Nix was wondering whether it was all a mirage.
Every inch of him hurt in that hospital bed. The sheet was thin and rough and he felt no comfort from it. The mattress was thin. The air was cold. It wasn’t silent. Something buzzed nearby. Like a fridge or another appliance. Grating on his nerves.
He admitted defeat. He threw in the towel. None of this brought him pleasure any more. It was time to say enough.
Enough of getting turned on by people putting him down. Enough of dicking about, edging and fucking and being in that warm, cozy cave of pleasure. It served no purpose. It led to him being here. In pain on a hospital bed. Cold. Alone.
With no options left.
None.
Except one. One road that he could take. And Nix didn't want to. Oh boy he really didn’t want to, but he had no choice. The ultimate betrayal, but Nix had to survive, right? Join the Black Coyotes and then betray them and bring about their end. And be forced into Ramon’s group, part of the Demonios gang.
He couldn’t afford to feel pleasure like he had known with Ash. Fuck it, Ash had tempted him with the promise land of blissful physical wholeness. The joining of his mind and his body and his soul. But Nix should have known. This was not for humans walking the earth. This was not for him. Ash was not for him.
Fuck it, Nix wasn’t gay, he told himself. He had to reset himself. Wash himself clean of all that sinful pleasure.
He thought of the nurse, all curves and floral scent and woman. And yes, he knew he could get turned on thinking about her. When his body hurt less, he would find her appealing. Desirable. Hell, get to know her a bit more, chat a bit, take her out for a drink, dinner… they could get along. And Nix wanted that. He was okay with wanting that. Being the one on top, parting soft thighs and sinking into soft wet flesh. Rolling full breasts in his hands, gripping the hourglass figure of a woman. He wanted that. He wanted to keep his head down, survive, and live to one day feel that soft embrace of a woman again.
Ash and his sorcery of bliss was not for him. Ash was gone now. This whole dream was over now. Ash was getting out. He would move on from Nix. He would forget Nix. Ash would go back to that fucking MC and get with other people and live his best life. Until the time came when Nix had to betray him.
And until then, Nix would remain, the rest of his stay about surviving. Not feeling at home, never feeling safe, just looking out for himself, just worrying about the basics; food, sleep, safety.
He needed to forget Ash, to move on. He felt his faith slipping through his fingers. He couldn’t hold on. He wasn’t strong enough. Nix had placed his immediate needs over the wider plan. He’d placed a quick lay over his long term survival in here. He’d placed intimate connection over long term sustainability. And now that intimate connection was being ripped away from him.
And it had been intimate. His time with Ash had been… Nix sighed. It had been good. Perfect. He hadn’t known he could feel like that. Feel that bodily pleasure, yes, but feel that recognition, that acceptance. Someone out there in that big bad world saw Nix. Really saw him. Understood him and his needs. Didn’t question, but accepted and met them. Exceeded them. And Nix knew he had made Ash happy, too. He knew he had been enough for Ash, he had been everything for Ash.
And Ash’s little pipe dream of Nix and him getting released and joining the MC. It was silly, naive. It was never going to happen for Nix. Of course not. For Ash, sure, he was getting out. But Nix was stuck, left behind, forced to stay. Not the guy who didn’t give a fuck, happy and free to do his own thing. Oh no, Ash had seen to that. Ash had put all the fucks back into Nix. And this promised land of the MC, this cool, calm, ever patient God-like figure of Colt. And this repentant drunk guy, and even the fucking determined little cat in the wheelchair. Nix realized he wanted it. Now, ironically, now he realized it was all real and out there and could have been something for him.
But it could be no more.
He wanted it but was furthest from it. He was staying and Ash was going. And he had to deny Ash to save his life.
He took a fractured breath in, over his dry lips. “Father…” he mumbled into the darkness, to any and all of the gods that he wasn’t sure he believed in. He hid his head under the thin sheet, seeking comfort, needing something to hold, something to embrace him, to hold him back. “Father, I come before you as a sinner…”
And he muttered himself into a dreamless, fitful sleep.
Although Ash hadn’t donethe time of his original sentence, he felt like he had done his time alright. Days and days behind a solid steel door. Time stood still. One hour of escorted yard time with no other people. The same four walls. No one else. Nothing else.
He felt dizzy. He had a headache that just wouldn’t go away. He had struggled to sleep. He’d done press ups, squats, he’d tried to keep moving. He’d dreamt up scenarios in his head, imagined he was out, free, with Nix. Imagined what they would get up to, if they were heading back to the MC together. Or imagined what it would have been like to meet him on the outside. If they had first met.
