Page 23 of Hate Like Ours

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God, I don’t know what I did to deserve this torture but it fucking sucks. I try to ignore them as much as I can but the more I ignore them, the harder they go after me.

None of the teachers in this school seem to notice when I’m being bullied and I’ve been threatened that things will get worse for me if I open my mouth to say anything. I’m not going to lie, I am pretty scared.

I have a feeling if they did decide to make good on their threats then they could possibly get away with it because of all the money the people here have while I’m nowhere near that range. No one would probably care.

It’s well into the night and dark. I can barely see anything with the limited amount of moonlight coming through my windows, but yet I stare unseeingly at the ceiling.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past few nights and it’s because I can feel the depression I’ve tried to get away from start to resurface. A few weeks after my surgery when I was younger, my depression started. I’ve been trying to run away from it since.

The bullying I’ve been facing has made it worse. I can already feel my mental health spiraling downward. When I got home from school yesterday afternoon, I felt so exhausted physically and mentally. My skin is black and blue with bruises from people bumping into me, pushing me against the wall, and pulling the chair away when I go to sit down. Yeah, that hasn’t gotten old yet.

When I get tired of staring at my ceiling, I turn onto my side. I look at the clock and see that it’s already four a.m. I’ve been up for hours at this point. I doubt I’ll even get any sleep but I close my eyes and try anyway.

There’s this one guy named Trent who freaks me out because he’s the weirdest and nastiest of them all. He was nice at first when he asked me to go out with him but after I declined, things got nasty.

Even if I didn’t happen to walk past the bathroom and hear my name, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day because he just really creeps me out. Yeah, I heard him telling his friends that he’d be the first to fuck me because no one else wanted me and I’d be glad that he was showing me some attention.

Joke was on him because I don’t mind if I don’t have any friends. I don’t mind my own company. All I want is to be able to exist peacefully without the constant harassment.

After I turned him down, he showed me his true colors. He has got to be the most obnoxious, self-entitled douchebag I have ever met. Even Knox isn’t that bad and he’s a world-class asshole.

Speaking of Knox, he hasn’t laid a hand on me but somehow, he’s always around to watch my humiliation as it happens.

Trent keeps harassing me during class even though I’ve turned him down multiple times and told him to leave me alone just as many. Some guys just don’t understand personal boundaries and what no means, and it shows.

And I’m the one who has to deal with all the bullshit. True to Kinsley’s words, since people found out that I was on that stupid website, the name calling and harassment began. It was like open season on yours truly.

If this is what I have to look forward to for the next year, then I don’t even want to come to this school anymore. My mind turns to something I’ve never even thought of doing—skipping class.

I took a nap after school yesterday because my body was filled with exhaustion so maybe that’s why I’m up now. Even though I’m trying to get some sleep my mind simply won’t shut off. I wish I could sleep for the rest of my life.

There are too many things crowding my brain and even though it hasn’t been that long living here, I can already say that I hate this place, this school, and everyone in the senior class.

I thought my senior year would be the best year of my life but it’s not turning out that way. Instead, it’s one never-ending nightmare. Ever since I punched the supposed queen bitch in the face, she’s had it out for me as well.

The insults of how ugly my face is or how fat I am with other insults thrown in the mix are going around on a loop inside my head. I can’t seem to make them go away.

They follow me around like a cloak enveloping me and it’s making my depression worsen as the days go by.

It’s typical mean kids’ shit. Whoever said words don’t hurt was clearly an idiot and had no idea what they were talking about. They were probably never taunted mercilessly or insulted constantly.

As I moved from class to class, the insults kept pouring in. They were loud enough to make sure I heard them all. All the while, I’d feel his stare on me.

I could feel that broody and angry stare covering my skin. It was like a cloak blanketing me everywhere I went. It was weird walking around like that, and it made me feel super exposed even though I was fully covered.

How the hell can you be so attune to someone when they obviously hate you?If I ever find the answer, I’ll let you know.

The most insane thing to me is the fact that just one person is able to influence the entire senior class. They’re all following his lead like they don’t have a fucking brain for themselves. I still don’t know why Knox hates me. He doesn’t even know me. Like what type of delusional crack is he smoking?

As much as I try to act tough, the constant noise of it makes me feel dirty. The gross feeling about myself starts from the outside until it makes its way into my psyche and all the way inside me, making me feel like I need to rub my skin raw.

When I’m alone, I get pissed at myself for letting these assholes cut down all the self-confidence I’ve built over the years. I can’t let that happen no matter how much their words hurt to listen to.

But that’s the thing with depression, isn’t it? One little thing about yourself will fester and turn into something giant that you don’t know how to get rid of.

Knox doesn’t join in. He’s too good for that. But then again, why would he when he has people doing his dirty work for him? No, his words are reserved for me when he corners me and we’re alone. That’s when he’s harsh and doesn’t care what comes out of his mouth.

I hate the asshole but I also think I’m broken because why else would I find someone like him attractive? Someone who has no morals and likes to see other people in pain. He must be a sadist or something. I’ve never been attracted to the athlete type before so I don’t know what makes him different from the rest.